Friend is seeing my husband!
40 answers /
Last post: 23/02/2024 at 8:12 am
I was with my husband for 19 years and have two lovely children.
Our marriage deteriorated massively in the last 5 years and we ended it in August last year.
We had a mutual friend throughout our marriage, whose children played football on my son’s football team, and I went to high school with her too. In April time, she turned up at my house with a gift bag for my husband with crystals and incense sticks (not stuff I personally believe in) for my husband to ‘help his anxiety’ and throughout the last two years of our marriage, my husband often made sexually inappropriate jokes and comments about her. We had a group chat with the three of us, as I felt uncomfortable when he would message her privately. He slipped up a few times and talk about things that she had said that wasn’t in the group chat - so I knew he was messaging her privately anyway. He would also ‘pop to her house for cuppas for his mental health’ frequently.
When we separated, he told me I could no longer speak to her. I had suspicions about them and drove by her house a few times - each time his car was there. Both claimed to just be friends.
By December, they’re now in an ‘official relationship’ and it absolutely breaks my heart still. I fully believe this was going on whilst we were married, and feel so betrayed by her as I considered her my friend. I invited her to my family home and confided in her about my relationship worries.
I hate when he takes my children to her house! He took them there on New Year’s Eve and slept in bed with her whilst my kids shared a single mattress in the room next door. He thinks I’m just being jealous and bitter and her being ‘my friend’ shouldn’t hurt anymore than if she were a stranger.
I am crushed. I am heart broken and feel so betrayed by them both. He said they sit there laughing at me, calling me desperate Dan when I’ve cried to him.
Am I being unreasonable by not wanting my children to go to her house? And am I overreacting by feeling so betrayed and hurt? She once messaged the group saying ‘I’ll forever be your third wheel’ and now I’m the one who is the third wheel.
Yes I feel you are being unreasonable. Totally get that it hurts a lot and likely this was going on while you were married but there is not much you can do about it now. I would cut all contact with her if you haven’t already as she is no friend of yours at all. Any friend would stay away from your husband or ex husband. Try and stay away from them as much as possible and focus on finding your happiness again x
No you are not be unreasonable, I felt really angry for you reading this they have taken the piss out of you and your kids! To tell you they call you desperate Dan! They clearly think they can get away with treating you like *****, you show them.
Do we really need this kind of content here????
Do we really need this kind of content here????
This directed to Sandra J!
No, you're not being unreasonable. She was your friend and you feel betrayed. I would definitely cut all ties with her. Thete was no need for your husband to tell you that they'd called you desperate. He is just being very mean. You can tell your husband that you don't want the children near her as they may hear things that you want to protect them from e.g. the children hearing them calling you desperate! I'm so sorry this is happening to you!
No, you're not being unreasonable. She was your friend and you feel betrayed. I would definitely cut all ties with her. Thete was no need for your husband to tell you that they'd called you desperate. He is just being very mean. You can tell your husband that you don't want the children near her as they may hear things that you want to protect them from e.g. the children hearing them calling you desperate! I'm so sorry this is happening to you!
I’ve asked him not to, out of respect for me. And he just said he doesn’t respect me and he has parental responsibility too, so he will keep taking them to her house. And I need to ‘get over it’ and I have no say in his life.
Hi Karlie. I'm so sorry that you are going through this and you are obviously so hurt. Sadly there is nothing you can do about your ex husband's relationship with your "friend". That is the first thing for you to change - this woman is not your friend, I dodn't really think that she has ever been your friend. Your ex and this woman have no regard for your feelings so you have to stop expecting them to.
As much as this is hurting you, you have to start to adjust to this new situation. Communicate with facts only with your husband regarding your children. Do not enter into any "conversation" with him. Effectively you need to cut them both out of your life and have nothing to do with them. You need to concentrate on you and your children. Start this new chapter in your life and concentrate on what will make you happy moving forward.
Again, so sorry that you are hurting and wishing you good luck with the future Xx
Totally understand Ivw been there.
People can say awful things to minimise their own actions, remember they may not be true.
I would advise 3 things.
- Get legal advice on the impact on the kids, sleeping on a mattress on the floor cannot continue. This person is taking on responsibility for the kids as well as a relationshio and cannot separate those things
- Please get some counselling, it made a huge difference to me. Nhs, emoyment benefits, Relate, Mind whomever or all- just reach out and dont feel any trepidation. I had a lot of supoort from charities and other orgs and it really helped. 10 years on I have come back way better, proud of myself and in a new long term relationship
- Preserve the kids relationship with Dad despite the horrible behaviour, unless there is a safeguarding risk. The kids dont need more upheaval. Talk to him about his girlfriends relationship with the kids, its quite fast and kids take longer- Im blending my family and it all takes time. Maybe consider mediation to talk these things with someone impartial who can hold you both to account.
As I say Ive been there. You can cut the friend out but if their relationship lasts you will have to speak to her eventually. You dont have to like her, or trust her, but you will need to face communicating.
But also, this will pass. Focus on your life, your MH, your future….focus on being the best you that you can be. I did it and Im proud of myself - be dignified, be strong, you can do this!! Hugs x
Do we really need this kind of content here????
In what way?
In what way?
oh the spam/scam sorry I see!
Don't worry "sandra" we have Harry Potter in the UK, he usually casts all our spells.
Admin pls block this Sandra J and anyone who claims they offer hacking or spells stuff. It’s a scam!
I’ve asked him not to, out of respect for me. And he just said he doesn’t respect me and he has parental responsibility too, so he will keep taking them to her house. And I need to ‘get over it’ and I have no say in his life.
Well its quite obvious neither her or him respect you of this wouldn't of went on!! Your not being unreasonable they sit and laugh about you!! I mean if they do that in front of your kids what does that say!! The other woman should be ashamed not flipping laughing about you and calling you desperate!!
No you are definitely not being unreasonable. My “best friend” went on to marry my ex husband and have children with him very quickly. It was confusing for my daughter to see her mums best friend (who we called auntie *name*) with her dad and now having to call her mummy *name*. They eventually divorced also but I cut all ties. Unfortunately there was nothing I could do to stop him taking her there (even though he did so very quickly). Sending you hugs xx
