Am I overthinking?!
18 answers /
Last post: 15/01/2024 at 7:33 pm
Please, am I other thinking or am I being treated badly?
My boyfriend has always looked at other women, in person, online etc. Including explicit talk to particular women.
I've expressed many times that it makes me uncomfortable and he says sorry he will stop. It's not actually him doing it that hurts, it's saying he will stop and then carrying on doing it. But most of all, lying to me about it. Fair enough, I understand he may lie because he's worried about upsetting me. But to find out he's lying upsets me more!
Not only that, he had a females phone number hidden away on the back of a receipt. This female in particular he has always tried to contact behind my back, saying she's just a friend. But he's lied to me about her so many times about contacting her through snapchat, Instagram etc. And says he doesn't like her and she's a bad friend etc. She also keeps stalking my Instagram, viewing my stories. Which feels off to me.
Yesterday, I asked if I could use his phone as mine had died. He ran into the next room on his phone before handing it to me. I looked into the room and he was going through something.
After I had borrowed his phone to make a call, he snatched it out of my hand and ran upstairs. I followed and asked what was wrong, I learnt that he had quickly logged out of snapchat.
There's a lot more to the story of various secrets and lies, but this puts into perspective what is going on, kind of!
It sounds silly sometimes and I feel like I'm being petty but imagine this situation happens 15-20 times over 2 years and him not showing a lot of affection or desire towards me either just adds to it. He was even doing this while I was in late stage labour giving birth to our daughter, searching women up on Instagram.
But recently, I've found myself struggling emotionally and mentally even more so than usual. Like it's just taken its toll on me. I've been put on antidepressants and I'm starting therapy this week, I'm looking at various ways to improve myself, looking at a career change to excite me which involves choosing a uni course, finding childcare, a part time job to support it, I'd like to go back to the gym and I feel like I'm doing it all alone aswell as fighting my demons.
When I try to talk to him about my options with uni courses and jobs, he's on his phone. When I try to spend time with him, he's tired. If I get upset, he gets angry at me. If I try to talk about my feelings, he accuses me of trying to start an argument. When I'm talking calmly, respectfully and maturely to him. It's making me feel worse and my anxiety is so bad, I feel like I'm treading on eggshells with him . I tried to talk to him about how I feel lastnight, and he shouted at me saying he's tired and has work in the morning. It was 9:30pm. So I rang him this morning while he was on his way to work, he currently takes public transport so its a lot of sitting and waiting, I saw it as a good opportunity to try to talk to him. He got angry at me because he has work. But it's an hour journey on the bus, which I see as a decent opportunity. He then decided to keep me on the call and put his phone in his pocket while I was talking. I don't know if my feelings are valid, but amongst everything else, I found this to be extremely hurtful and disrespectful. Its made me feel trapped and I don't have anyone to talk to and little to no support with my life goals and my emotional health. Are my feelings valid? Or am I being an overthinker, paranoid or sensitive? It just feels like he's not interested at all, but when I ask, he says he is.
Your feelings are valid.
You are not being petty.
You are not being oversensitive.
You are not overthinking things.
You are with a man who doesn't value your feelings, who gaslights you, who lies to you, who deliberately does things that he knows upset you, who doesn't listen to you, and whose behaviour makes you anxious and depressed.
In fact, to be blunt, you are with a man who is emotionally abusing you.
You would be far better off if you weren't with this man.
If you can leave safely, do so as quickly as you can. Don't tell him you're leaving, don't give him any clue, and once you've gone, don't have any contact with him again. And don't let him know you've asked for advice on here.
If you need help to leave, get in touch with Women's Aid and talk with them.
Hi Hailey
I'm Catherine, one of the Parent Supporters here at Netmums. Thanks for sharing with us. You've told us that your boyfriend has hurt you by looking at and speaking to other women and lied to you about this. You have asked him to stop but it seems like this has continued. When you try to chat to him about your hopes for the future, you don't feel listened to or respected by how he responds. This is impacting on how you are feeling and your emotional wellbeing and it is making you wonder if you feelings are not valid. Hailey, you are not overthinking or sensitive. It sounds like your partner has been disrespectful and you deserve so much better. Do you have any support from anyone else? I can see Kirk has suggested linking in with Women's Aid also - I'll link their website here : I need help - information and support on domestic abuse (womensaid.org.uk)
I've also asked for your post to be moved into our drop in clinic so hopefully more support will be along soon from our community. Please come back to us if you would like to chat some more.
Catherine
Your feelings are valid.
You are not being petty.
You are not being oversensitive.
You are not overthinking things.
You are with a man who doesn't value your feelings, who gaslights you, who lies to you, who deliberately does things that he knows upset you, who doesn't listen to you, and whose behaviour makes you anxious and depressed.
In fact, to be blunt, you are with a man who is emotionally abusing you.
You would be far better off if you weren't with this man.
If you can leave safely, do so as quickly as you can. Don't tell him you're leaving, don't give him any clue, and once you've gone, don't have any contact with him again. And don't let him know you've asked for advice on here.
If you need help to leave, get in touch with Women's Aid and talk with them.
Thankyou for your response, your words are very appreciated 🙏
Hi Hailey
I'm Catherine, one of the Parent Supporters here at Netmums. Thanks for sharing with us. You've told us that your boyfriend has hurt you by looking at and speaking to other women and lied to you about this. You have asked him to stop but it seems like this has continued. When you try to chat to him about your hopes for the future, you don't feel listened to or respected by how he responds. This is impacting on how you are feeling and your emotional wellbeing and it is making you wonder if you feelings are not valid. Hailey, you are not overthinking or sensitive. It sounds like your partner has been disrespectful and you deserve so much better. Do you have any support from anyone else? I can see Kirk has suggested linking in with Women's Aid also - I'll link their website here : I need help - information and support on domestic abuse (womensaid.org.uk)
I've also asked for your post to be moved into our drop in clinic so hopefully more support will be along soon from our community. Please come back to us if you would like to chat some more.
Catherine
Thankyou, Catherine, for your response.
This information is very helpful and I appreciate you taking the time to send me some advice. Thankyou for forwarding me to the drop in clinic. I have already emailed Womens Aid regarding this after the advice from Kirk. So I will look for their guidance also.
How does the drop in clinic work do you know? 🙏
Hi Hailey
We've moved your thread into our drop-in clinic unhealthy relationships, so you can get the advice and support you need
Thankyou, Catherine, for your response.
This information is very helpful and I appreciate you taking the time to send me some advice. Thankyou for forwarding me to the drop in clinic. I have already emailed Womens Aid regarding this after the advice from Kirk. So I will look for their guidance also.
How does the drop in clinic work do you know? 🙏
Hi Hailey,
I'm Loraine, another of the parent supporters here at netmums and I work alongside Catherine.
I've just been catching up with your thread this morning and I can see you asked about our drop in clinic.
Basically, it is a forum with lots of specialist boards (including baby boards) which are answered every day and evening by our professional team of parent supporters. The PS team are made up of health visitors, counsellors, social workers etc and we monitor the drop in clinic boards every morning and evening. I can see Catherine already requested that your thread be moved into our 'unhealthy relationships' board, so you're already in the drop in clinic and if you continue to post on your thread here, a parent supporter will respond if you ask for help/advice. Otherwise, our netmums' community may also comment. Here is a link to the full range of drop in clinic boards: https://www.netmums.com/info/netmums-drop-in-clinic-parent-supporter-service
Come back and let us know how things are and we'll do our best to support you.
Loraine x
Oh reading this brought back some memories for me, they never change even if you leave come back they don’t change.
if you can find it in yourself to leave him I promise you’ll look back wishing you’d done it sooner. This man only cares for himself and not your feelings and you sound like a good person and good people care so deeply. There are some nice people out there who will respect you and make you feel like a diamond but make sure you make yourself feel that way first.
drop the dead weight being your fella, get excited about a new career get yourself happy honey you’ll sleep better at night knowing no pr at is running a muck on you and being a sneaky b*****d
I already like the sound of you going to study something new and you seemed positive about it too you’ve got this you’ll smash it you don’t need him end of.
xx
Sounds like my ex husband when he was cheating and gaslighting sad to say. He trashed my mental health as I couldn’t tell what was real.
I am so much happier as a single mum tbh, with a much lovelier partner now after finding myself.
I am really sorry to hear that you have all this going on in your life. I believe that how we allow ourselves to be treated in our intimate relationships comes from the blueprints we were shown when we were growing up. For example if a child had an abusive father towards their mother and other females around or the father was critical, distant, absent or controlling towards thrir child then this severely impacts how the child allows others to treat them when they grow up. It is alot more complicated and needs alot of unpeeling but I'm wondering whether you have ever experienced any of the above situations? You also may be aware of all the above mentioned things but actually knowing how to fix them is very different from knowing what has happened. It is like saying, I know I've been in a car accident but that doesn't mean I know how to fix my car! I can say this from experience and the best thing I ever did in my life was to take someones advice and get counselling. This is where everything learnt is unlearnt, you stop being in trauma mode and heal. You find out who YOU are and what YOU want in your life and learn how to protect yourself from abuse which is what this is and learn how to be happy, yes it is actually a thing as I discovered. Protecting yourself from this means having self-worth, self-esteem and purpose beyond repeating patterns of behaviour that, through no fault of your own were passed on to you. Please consider doing this for yourself, it's the best gift you could ever give yourself. I never knew how to be happy, i didnt realise i was unhappy until i started counselling, trauma was my normal but believe me it isnt. What he is doing is wrong and not how a normal loving relationship works but I'm sure from what you've said that you know this, you are just perhaps a bit nervous of the unknown moving forward. You don't need to be. You are stronger than you think and your gut instinct is doing an excellent job of steering you in the right direction. Apart from the fact that this behaviour is very distasteful, undignified and not very classy on his part...the staring at and contacting other women, all his other issues are not yours to fix. You are there to look after you and he to look after him. Any anger issues or other issues he has are not your fault so why pay the price for something that wasn't your fault?. As hard as it is, you have to remind yourself that you are not there to be his mother, punch bag, therapist, saviour or anything else. You absoloutely deserve happiness in all walks of life and that includes an adoring partner who cherishes you and makes you feel wonderful, worthy, valued, enriched, happy and adds joy to your life, not socks it from you. Maybe he also needs help but that is his to seek out, not yours to get for him. A wise person once told me that you will not recieve love until you learn how to be happy on your own and in your own company first and o.g it is so true, and when you finally get to this point, you will attract positivity and love in the bucket loads as you will be radiating it outwards and attract everything good. You are overthrowing him only, please stop and put you first. You deserve better and sometimes this means we have to go and get what we should have got growing up but I can tell you that happiness is much sweeter when you finally allow it in, 😊😊
Hi Hailey,
Your feelings are perfectly valid.
He sounds like a sorry excuse of a partner.
It doesn't sound like there's any positive to this relationship... at all.
Time to make some big decisions and put yourself first.
This sounds like a very unhealthy relationship for you.
Good luck. Xx
This man is cheating on you. It might or might not be in person, but whichever form he is doing it he is definitely being unfaithful and I think you know it.
I am so sorry it is making you doubt yourself. You are definitely not overthinking, being sensitive or paranoid. Your feelings are extremely valid and its time to trust your instincts.
It's one thing to expect privacy - I wouldnt expect or want my partner to read through all my messages. But I would have no problem with him borrowing my phone to make a call, looking through my gallery for recent pictures of DD, checking a text that came on my phone when i was out of the room etc.
When I was 15 I was with a man like that he was an abusive manipulative cheater and after three years and countless other women when we finally split up he told me he had only ever got with me to make his ex jealous and it had backfired when I fell pregnant. This man is without a doubt cheating on you I'm sorry to be so blunt but I could pretty much bet my life on it at the very least he is emotionally cheating which is just as bad.
He will never change and you are not the problem he is, you emotions are completely valid and reasonable and the only reason your second guessing yourself is because he has been manipulating and gas lighting you into thinking your the problem.
Also you'd probably find if you weren't with him you wouldn't have any use for the antidepressants I know it's easier said than done but I am talking from personal experience get shot of him life is too short and you and your little one will have a happier life without that poor excuse of a man I can promise you once your out of it and getting on with your life you'll find your happiness and you'll never look back you'll only wish you'd done it sooner
Good luck and hope you find a real man soon ❤️🤞💐 xxx
Isn't petty one bit, your feelings are very much valid. He doesn't want to engage or consider your feelings because he doesn't want to own up to what he's doing online with other women. From experience he won't stop and doesn't sound like he wants to stop. If it were me I'd be out of that relationship like a flash. The longer you stay the more you put yourself through mentally and emotionally until you feel like a shell of your former self. Ultimately you have to decide if you're comfortable with what he's doing and the lies, he clearly thinks you will just accept it and doesn't care how it's making you suffer. Hugs x
You say he always looks at other women and messages thrm. If your not ok with that (which is seems your not) your better off to leave the relationship. The longer you are in it the more its going to continue to hurt you. Once he thinks tht behaviour is acceptable or 'its just who he is', hes not going to change for you.
