What to do when contact breaks down

If you are no longer with your children's father, you'll know that arranging contact that works for everyone can sometimes be a challenge.

We often hear from members who are struggling to deal with break downs in their Child Arrangement Order. Here is a roundup of the main concerns and scenarios which may help you if you are experiencing similar difficulties.

"My ex does not adhere to the contact order - he frequently brings my child back late or does not turn up for weeks on end. What should I do?"

It's really important that both parties stick to the stipulations of the agreement. Child Arrangement Orders are orders of the court and failure to stick to the agreements can be a contempt of court. If there are regular breaches of the order then it may be necessary to take it back to court. However, this should only be done if an amicable solution cannot be reached as it can often make friction worse, and creates more expense. Have you considered or tried mediation? This can help you come to an agreement without having to go through the courts.

Keep a record of all the breaches, however minor they may seem. Perhaps keep a record of the conversations between you and your ex as this will help you present a clear picture of what is happening should you go to mediation or to the courts.

"I don't have my ex-partner's address so I don't know where my kids are when they go for contact. Do I have a right to know where he takes them?"

It is understandable that you should want to know where your children go for contact, especially should an emergency situation arise. The starting point is you should discuss the matter with your ex-partner and ask him for his address. However, if he is unwilling and if this was taken to court, then your ex-partner would have a right to ask for the address where contact takes place to be kept confidential. The court would make a call based on individual circumstances.

Depending on your child's age, if the address is kept confidential you could consider giving him a mobile phone so that you can contact him and they can contact you should they need to. While this is not the same as knowing where your children physically are, it may give you some peace of mind.

"My ex is verbally abusive towards me at drop off/pick-up times and there is a contact order in place. As the resident parent, can I say no to contact and go against the contact order to avoid the abuse or avoid the children witnessing the abuse?"

This is a distressing situation to be in, but If the contact has been court ordered then you need to uphold the contact in order to avoid being held in contempt of court.

However, you do not need to tolerate being abused in any way.

Can you ask for a friend to be present with you at the drop offs and pick ups? Record all the incidences of the abusive attacks, and your friend can be a witness to these attacks. You may wish to report this to the police, and they may be able to allocate DA Liaison Officer who can arrange for a safe place for the drop offs to occur.

Seek legal advice regarding your current contact order as this needs to be resolved so that you are safe and that your children do not witness you being treated in this way.

"Can I change my child's surname without permission of the ex?"

If you want to change your child's name by Deed Poll then they will request the permission of both parents with parental responsibility. If your ex does not agree then it may go to court and the court will decide based on what they see as the child's best interests.

There are certain situations in which you do not need permission which include if your ex is in prison for violent crimes, a 'no-contact' order has been issued, there is fear of violence based on past behaviour or if they cannot be found in order to obtain the required consent.

"My ex isn't committed to contact with our children, and they are frequently let down and left upset. What should I do?"

If you have been to court to arrange your Child Arrangement Order then this is a legal arrangement and therefore failure to comply to the rules is contempt of court. However, your ex cannot be held in contempt if he simply does not take up the order granted him. If he is being unreliable and you have a legal agreement, you should first try and talk to him and ask him to see how distressing this is for your children. If he still does not comply then it may be necessary to get more legal advice. Perhaps consider mediation as this will allow you to try and work this out with a professional, while avoiding the expense of the courts.

If you do not have a legal agreement then talking to him should still be your first option. If the situation is impacting your children negatively, than you would be well within your legal rights not to make your children available for contact - however you should talk to your ex before choosing this, and explain how it is affecting them. If the situation remains the same, and you choose to not make your children available for contact, then this may mean your ex applies to court for a Child Arrangement Order. The court may make an order in the interests of your children to have contact with their father, but if it is shown that your ex regularly fails to keep arrangements then they may make a no order if it is causing your children emotional harm.
Being let down in this way is very difficult for your children, and it is understandably distressing for you to see your children disappointed. Try and reassure your children by telling them how much you love them, try and be as consistent as you can in your own lives. Try to continue to promote contact in the best interests of your children by remaining positive about contact and encouraging your children to have a good relationship with both of you. If you feel that they are getting too distressed by the inconsistent contact with your ex then you may need to seek advice, or perhaps try mediation if he is willing.

"Our baby is very young - can my ex demand to have contact with them?"

A child has a right to spend time with both their parents. However, a court would determine how much depending on the age of the child and practical arrangements. A typical arrangement for a young baby under one, might be a couple of hours on a Saturday morning. For a toddler, it might increase to a day each weekend: with very young children who have a short memory span frequent shorter contact is generally seen as better than longer periods. However, unfortunately there is no hard and fast rule and there are also things like holiday contact or arrangements for special events such as family birthdays etc.

A court may also take into account the situation before the separation. For example, if parents separate when the child is a baby and the father was very hands on with regards to day and night care, the amount of access might initially be different if the father hadn't seen the child for a long period beforehand. There is no legal definition of reasonable contact as it is very much down to individual circumstances.

"As the mother, do I have a right to say no contact alone with our baby?"

If you believe that the child is at risk with the other parent then it may be possible to arrange supervised contact. Usually this is because of a court, CAFCASS or Local Authority referral. It may be agreed that the supervised contact takes place in, for example, a family member's house with the family member present. Or it is sometimes the case that contact takes place in a local contact centre.

If you have concerns about your child's safety then you are likely to need to legal assistance in arranging an appropriate situation.