Temper tantrums: what you need to know
Dan Collins
WriterThey're a normal part of your child's development, but that doesn't mean they're easy to deal with. How can you manage your toddler's temper tantrums, and do you need to worry?
Tantrums are part and parcel of growing up and are a normal part of your child’s developmental progress. It is a sign that your child is developing independence and autonomy, but tantrums also happen because they haven't yet learned how to properly manage their emotions.
Even so, dealing with your little one's tantrums can be really tough. Many parents struggle to understand what is causing the tantrums and how to manage them.
We're here to help you understand why your child is upset, and how to deal with a toddler's tantrum. Hopefully, once you know what's going on, and what to do when your child is kicking off, the stress their tantrums can cause will be a bit easier to manage.
Why is my child having tantrums?
According to the NHS, tantrums typically start from about 18 months, though they can start as early as 12 months. They are a sign that your child is learning that they can assert themselves and have some control over their surroundings and the people around them, especially their parents.
Research has shown that at least 20% of 2-year-olds, 18% of 3-year-olds, and 10% of 4-year-olds have at least one temper tantrum every day.
This can feel very challenging as your once happy, cooperative child starts to fling themselves to the floor, scream, shout and perhaps throw things in a fit of rage.
Tantrums reach a peak at about age two: generally, once your child can talk more they’re less likely to have tantrums. By the age of four, tantrums are far less common.
What are the common triggers for a tantrum?
Tantrums can be triggered or aggravated by the following:
- Tiredness
- Hunger
- Feeling unwell
- Frustration (often their brain is ahead of their capabilities)
- Feeling overwhelmed by what is happening
- Boredom
- Feeling powerless
- Not getting their own way
- Changes in their life or routine
- Feeling left out or ignored
Sometimes, though, it can seem like your toddler is having a tantrum over something that is completely silly, or even over nothing at all.
It's worth remembering that even if you don't understand the reason behind the tantrum, in the moment it makes perfect sense to your child that they would be upset by whatever caused it.
Understanding why your child is having a tantrum
Saying no, having a tantrum, or screaming and crying can be very powerful, especially if it gets a lot of attention. Tantrums release pent-up feelings and frustration for children and are an important safety valve, so sometimes it can be best to let a tantrum run its natural course.
When a child is having a tantrum, they're so caught up in the powerful feelings that they don’t really hear you, and will not be able to cooperate. Do your best to ensure that they cannot hurt or harm themselves (or you!) when they're having a tantrum.
One of the key things is to try to understand the feelings that are driving your child’s behaviour. The list of tantrum triggers above may give you some idea of where to start.
Is it a bid for your attention? Is your child getting enough one-to-one quality time with you each day? Are they hungry or tired because of a disruption to your routine?
Meltdowns vs manipulative tantrums
There are two main types of tantrums that your child could be having. Emotional meltdowns can happen when they're having a bad day - maybe your little one is hungry, tired, anxious, or feeling ill.
They might ask you for something they want, and you say no for the best of reasons, and then they lose control and go into a meltdown. They're not necessarily trying to get you to change your mind, they're just uncontrollably upset by what's happening.
Manipulative tantrums are when your child is intentionally acting out to try and get what they want. Perhaps you don't let them have an ice cream because they've already had their treat for the day, or you might stop them from petting a dog you don't know because you're worried it's not safe.
They then start to kick up a massive fuss, and might even see the embarrassment they're causing you if it's a public tantrum and use that to apply more pressure on you to give in to their demands.
If it is obviously a manipulative tantrum, don't give in. Your child will gradually get the message that undesirable behaviour gets them nowhere.
When should I be concerned about tantrums?
Even though temper tantrums are a normal part of growing up, they should generally be happening less and less after the age of 3 years old.
If your child is still having tantrums when they are 3 to 4 years old, they might not have learned how to deal with frustration. This isn't necessarily a sign that you should worry, but it's certainly something you'll want to be aware of so that you can work on it with them.
According to a 2012 study, there are some ways to tell the difference between a 'normal' tantrum and an 'abnormal' one. If your child's tantrums have any of the characteristics on the 'abnormal' list, you might want to discuss them with their GP.
Normal temper tantrums
- Occur from 12 months old to 4 years old
- Behaviour includes: crying; flailing arms or legs; falling to the floor; pushing; pulling; biting.
- Lasts up to 15 minutes
- Occur less than 5 times a day
- Mood should return to normal between tantrums
Abnormal temper tantrums
- Continue to happen past 4 years old
- Cause injury to themselves or others during the tantrum
- Last longer than 15 minutes
- Occur more than 5 times a day
- Persistent negative mood between tantrums
How to prevent temper tantrums
If you can work out what is causing your child's tantrums it can help you to understand how to head them off before they begin.
By establishing a daily routine, like having meals and naps at set times, your child will know what to expect each day. This will help them to avoid being frustrated, and help you to avoid trying any activities around when they should be eating or napping. After all, many tantrums are triggered by your little one being hungry or tired.
If you're away from home when you'd normally have a meal, and aren't able to stop somewhere for food, bringing along a simple snack can help to stave off any meltdowns.
By having set times for things like when they're supposed to nap or go to bed, you can give them reminders that those times are coming up. Letting them know an hour or half-hour before bedtime that it's nearly time for bed gives them a chance to prepare themselves for something they might not really want to do.
It might sound a bit odd, but you can also help to reduce the frustration they can feel by properly childproofing your home. If you're constantly saying "no" to your kids because they're trying to get into cupboards they shouldn't go in to, that's going to wind them up more.
How to handle temper tantrums
Netmums has put together some very helpful parenting guidance in partnership with Family Links. You can access it here for free, and it could help you to understand the feelings that are driving your child’s behaviours and how to manage challenging behaviour in a positive way.
The first thing you should do is to try to remain calm. Don't let your frustration or embarrassment at their behaviour take over and make you shout at them, as this will just feed into their spiral.
If you're at home, you could just leave the room until the tantrum is over. If you're in public, you might have to leave the store you're in, stop whatever activity you're doing, or take them to the car or back home until they stop acting out.
It can help to essentially ignore that they are having a tantrum. If a child throws a tantrum and is rewarded by either getting lots of attention or their own way, we reinforce this behaviour.
Children are often desperate for your attention and even negative attention is better than being ignored. Children quickly learn that tantrums or misbehaviour gets them instant attention.
Behaviour that attracts a parent's attention tends to be repeated. This explains why it can be so effective to ignore some behaviour.
Children need our attention and will try to get it in any way they can. If we pay attention to the behaviour we do want, the behaviour we don't want sometimes just goes away.
If they know they'll always get our attention when they do something we find annoying, then when they want our attention - hey presto! - it's time for that annoying behaviour again.
If you're still trying to get your head around tantrums and how to deal with them, take a look at the stories below. If you have any burning questions or brilliant tips on handling tantrums, head over to the Forum to join the conversation.
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