How to deal with tantrums in older children

Tantrums and meltdowns are common in toddlers, but shouldn't they have grown out of them now? We look at why your older child or teenager might be having tantrums, and how you can deal with them.

If your older child or teenager is struggling to control their temper or manage strong emotions that may be fuelled by hormones or the added pressures of growing up, it can be challenging to know how to deal with the behaviour.

The first step towards supporting your child is to understand what's causing outbursts. Then you can work out the best ways to handle the situation in a positive way.

In this article we'll look at ...

• Why older kids have tantrums
• What a tantrum in an older child or teenager looks like
• How to deal with an older child or teenager's tantrum

Why older kids have tantrums

It's tempting to think when an older child or teenager has a tantrum, that they're spoilt and disrespectful. The truth is much more complex and tantrums always happen for a reason.

As most children grow up they typically develop in the following ways:

• They learn language skills to express feelings like frustration and anger.
• They learn to negotiate more fairly for what they want.
• They learn to handle strong emotions and cope with disappointment.

However, not all children are the same or learn at the same pace. Plus, there are many things that can affect your child's ability to learn to handle strong emotions and cope with disappointment ...

For example:

• They may struggle with self-control, which can lead to outbursts
• They may be suffering from anxiety, which causes them to overreact
• They may have a learning difficulty, which makes it harder to put feelings into words
• A stressful home life or poor role models may also contribute to dysfunctional behaviour
• They could have an underlying mental health condition like a mood or personality disorder, ADHD (attention deficit hyperactivity disorder) or autism

What a tantrum in an older child or teenager looks like

While your teen may not throw themselves on the floor and start kicking and screaming, they may storm out of the room and slam the door, or lock themselves in their bedroom ...

... this is the classic teenage outburst and while you may think your teen is being rude or disrespectful, it's actually their way of trying to escape feelings of overwhelming rage or frustration.

Often the best thing to do in this situation is to let them go and cool off, and then come back later to talk about what happened when everyone is feeling more calm and reasonable. (We have more tips on how to deal with an older child's tantrum further on.)

Here are some other ways tantrums manifest in older kids:

• verbal abuse
• shouting 'I hate you'
• shouting 'you don't understand'
• shouting 'you don't care about me!'
• slamming doors
• locking themselves away
• giving you the 'silent treatment'
• refusing to do something
• refusing to go to school
• refusing to eat
• throwing objects
• being mean to siblings
• running away from home
• self-harming

How to deal with an older child or teenager's tantrum

Dealing with an older child's or teenager's outburst can feel intense. You may not just be dealing with tears or your child throwing themselves on the floor anymore ...

Instead, you may be faced with more threatening behaviour, like verbal abuse, threats and even physical aggression. Your child can say hurtful things, refuse to go to school or cause damage to property, and sadly, in extreme cases, even to themselves.

It's important to find a way to deal with your child's behaviour in a way that supports them and makes them feel secure, whilst at the same time setting fair boundaries and consequences so that your child can measure their own behaviour and make better choices in coping with how they feel.

First, take a look at each area in your child's life to work out if there are any issues ...

Here are some questions you can ask yourself:

• Are they being bullied at school?
• Do they have friends and a support network outside of the home?
• Are they struggling with a subject or teacher?
• Have you noticed any other changes in their behaviour?
• Have you noticed any patterns that align with a daughter's menstrual cycle?

Now that you have a better understanding of where the tantrum might be coming from, you can use the following advice to approach the problem.

Child development expert Dr Chicot offer the following techniques to help you handle tantrums in older children:

1. Meet their basic needs – Rather than giving your child the result they want, help them to regulate their emotions by making sure that their basic needs are met. This means ensuring they're not hungry, thirsty, tired or too hot.
2. Stick to gentle routine and boundaries – When your child is feeling out of control they need structure to feel secure again. Keep it simple and achievable.
3. Try to identify tantrum triggers – Pay attention to patterns in your child's behaviour. Working out what the true cause of their distress is will enable you to talk about how they feel and come up with some practical solutions together.
4. Help your child feel in control – With older children you can help them to take control of their own emotions by giving them opportunity to voice what they're feeling and why. You can also teach them simple breathing techniques to help calm themselves down and get rid of adrenaline so that they can think straight.
5. Be kind, calm and sensitive – We know it's difficult to be calm when it feels like you teen is attacking you, but calm energy coming from you can help to make them feel calmer too. If needed you can both agree to take a breather so you can come back more collected and try again.

If you're worried that your older child or teenager's outbursts are outside the realm of normal, or that there may be underlying mental health issues you should seek advice from your GP who will be able to refer your child to have any assessments in order to receive the support they need.

You can also always find anonymous support in our Forum, where expert Parent Supporters are waiting to answer your questions in our Child Mental Health Drop-In Clinic.

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