What to do if your teenager won't go to school

If your teenager is refusing to go to school, it can be worrying and frustrating for both of you. Here’s how to get to the bottom of the problem and how you can help your teen with school refusal.

It's not unusual for kids to pull the odd sickie or experiment with truanting once they hit their teenage years. After all, most of us can remember doing it, too.

There are two main types of school refusal:

Truanting

Also known as nicking off, wagging school and playing hooky, truanting is when a child doesn't go to school without their parents' knowledge.

This is more common among teens than younger children, as teenagers often make their own way to school so you can't be sure they're actually getting there.

School refusal

This is when a child point blank refuses to go to school or feigns illness and stays at home with your knowledge.

While the odd day watching daytime telly on the sofa isn't going to affect your teenager's education too much, regularly refusing to go to school can have a big impact on their learning, exams, social life and mental health.

Here's what you can do to help.

Common reasons teenagers refuse to go to school

While there are many different reasons your teenager might not want to go to school, often it's due to anxiety or worries about something happening at school or home.

Some of the common reasons for school refusal include:

• Friendship problems – falling out with friends or boyfriends/girlfriends can be incredibly upsetting for teens, particularly as heightened emotions and changing moods are a normal part of adolescent development.
• Bullying – bullying can severely affect a child's mental health and enjoyment of school. Bullying may be happening at school and also online.
• Starting a new school or changing schools – transitioning from primary school to secondary school or changing schools and having to make new friends and get used to new routines can be unsettling for teens.
• Challenging authority – teenagers often want to be independent and missing school can be a way of challenging the rules.
• Avoiding something – such as a certain lesson they they struggle with, getting changed in PE, a test or an exam.
• Problems with teachers – there may be a particular teacher that your child doesn't like or feels picks on them.
• Academic issues – struggling with learning or particular subjects can cause kids to worry and feel anxious.
• Periods of time off – teens may be worried about school work they have to catch up on if they've had a period of time off after illness, or that their friendship groups have moved on.
• Exam stress – exam pressure and other commitments can cause teenagers to feel stressed, anxious or unable to cope.
• Events at home – if something big is happening at home, such as a family member becoming ill, or conflict between parents or siblings, this could affect your teen's willingness to go to school.

What can I do if my teenager is refusing to go to school?

If your teen doesn't want to go to school, there are a number of steps you can take to help.

Understand why they don't want to go to school

It can be hard to get your teen to open up, but talking to them can help you get to the root of the problem.

These tips should help you have a conversation about what's concerning them:

• Choose your timing – if your teenager is angry or upset, distracted by a video game or rushing to go somewhere, it may not be the best time to talk to them. Wait until they're relaxed and calm to broach the subject.
• Talk to them like an adult – listen to them and talk to them like an equal.
• Give them space to talk – don't interrupt or get angry; give them time to get everything out and say what they want to say. Show you're listening by nodding and making eye contact and encouraging sounds.
• Acknowledge their feelings – things that are bothering them may seem small to you but don't dismiss how they're feeling. Say, 'I can see why that might be making you feel this way'.
• Think about what's happening at home – you might not think that home life could be the problem but think if there's anything happening, such as conflict at home or pressure from you to do well at school, that could be contributing to the issue.

How you can help your teenager cope with any worries about school

Once you know why your teenager doesn't want to go to school, work together to come up with solutions to any problems or worries.

• Discuss any changes you could make at home or school  – would they feel better if you dropped them off at school rather than going on the bus or walking, for example? Could you help them organise their homework so they don't fall behind, or would they benefit from extra tutoring in certain subjects?
• Visit the GP – if your child is complaining of feeling unwell, take them to the GP to make sure there are no underlying health issues. Headaches and stomach aches can be caused by anxiety and stress and your GP may also be able to diagnose this.
• Teach your teen coping strategies to deal with worries and stress – mindfulness activities such as simple breathing techniques may help your child deal with stressful situations and worries. They might also find a mindfulness app like Headspace helpful.
• Suggest a worry journal – writing things down can help ease a teenager's mind and make things seem more manageable. They might also like to make a self-soothe box, a box filled with things that help them feel calm, such as photos of happy times, essential oils and soothing scents like lavender to smell, and fidget spinners or things to keep their hands occupied.
• Ensure they're getting enough sleep – teenagers may like to stay up till all hours but the changes happening in their minds and bodies mean they need around 9-9.5 hours of sleep a night. Tiredness can leave teens feeling irritable and unrested, and may make small problems seem much bigger. Let them know they can have a lie-in at weekends but on school nights make sure they go to bed early enough to be able to get up feeling refreshed and ready for school.
• Let them know there are consequences – if your teen is avoiding school because they want to challenge the rules rather than because of worries or anxieties, let them know that there are consequences. Explain you could be fined or prosecuted if they don't attend and talk about how missing school could affect their future if they fail to pass their exams. You could also have a reward and penalty system – eg allowing them time on social media if they attend, not paying their phone bill if they don't go – a bit like not being paid if you don't go to work.

How the school can help with teenagers who won't go to school

Your teenager may not want you to speak to the school but reassure them that none of their peers need to know. Working as a team with the school can really help get your child back into education.

Here's how you can work with the school:

• Talk to the school early – this can help you nip things in the bud before your child misses too much school or gets into the habit of not going.
• Arrange a meeting – talk through your child's worries, maybe with their form teacher or the head if you feel the teacher could be part of the problem. If you'd feel better, take someone with you and write down anything you want to say beforehand so you don't forget any key points. The teacher should be able to come up with some helpful suggestions.
• Write down any action points – after your meeting, write down how the school has said they'll support your child and any actions you can take at home. Email it to the school so you have a record and you can both stick to it.
• Look at the school's anti-bullying policy – if your child is being bullied, ask to see the school's anti-bullying policy (it's often on their website) so you know how they'll support your child and what actions they should take.
• Keep in regular contact – keep in regular contact with the school so you can discuss how things are working out. You might be able to email their form teacher weekly, for example.
• If it's been going on a long time – if your child has missed a lot of school or is really struggling, you might be able to work with the school to come up with a reduced timetable and gradually reintroduce your teen to attending for full days. The school might also be able to suggest moving classes, changing subjects and additional support groups, counselling or local services that can help. In some cases, you may even want to look at changing your child's school to one that better suits their needs.

Will I be fined if my child doesn't go to school?

You could be.

Children in the UK are legally required to be educated from the school term after their fifth birthday until the age of 16. They can be educated at home or in school, but if they're enrolled in a school they must go unless they're too ill or have advance permission from the school.

Depending on your local council's rules, regular school absences can result in fines, penalties and even prosecution for parents. This is usually a last resort though, and in most cases you'll be given warnings and offers of help from your school and local council first.

Find out more about your local council's policy for school attendance and absence on the government website.

How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish is a must-read for ALL parents and helps to improve communication between you and your child. See more details here at Amazon.

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