Tokophobia: 6 ways to ease your fear of childbirth
Louisa Sherlock
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It’s totally normal to feel worried about giving birth: from anxiety about what the labour and delivery will be like through to how you will cope with the pain. Here are some top tips to help ease your fears. Plus, what to do if your fear is an actual phobia (tokophobia) ...
If you’re feeling anxious about giving birth, you’re definitely not alone. Most of us feel some apprehension when thinking about the big day, and a large 2019 study found that anything from about 5% to 15% of mums-to-be experience a severe fear of labour and birth.
For more about this paralysing fear, known as tokophobia, we talked to Netmums' official psychologist, Linda Blair.
She says:
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‘What most people are afraid of is labour. And it’s no surprise: it’s normal to fear something that appears to be so painful. But it’s not normal if your fear stops you trying for a baby if you wish to have a child or children.
‘If your fear of childbirth is stopping you doing what you want to do – even stopping you from getting pregnant – then it’s a phobia (the technical term is 'tokophobia').
'If you think you're suffering from tokophobia I suggest you talk to your GP and ask them to recommend an experienced Cognitive Behaviour Therapist.'
Read on for our expert advice on how to ease your worries about labour, and what to do if you think your problem is more than just normal worrying.
1. Work out where your fear of childbirth is coming from
If you're feeling anxious about your upcoming labour, a good starting point is understanding what is causing those feelings.
Midwife Leah Hazard says:
‘It is completely normal to have some anxieties or concerns around labour and childbirth, particularly if you've heard negative stories from friends, relatives or colleagues.
‘However, if you find that your fear of giving birth has become overwhelming and intense to the point where you can think of little else or you don't think you can go through with birth at all, you may have developed tokophobia.’
Linda agrees. She says:
‘No-one is born with specific fears; instead we learn them. A fear of giving birth could result from discussions with friends who had a bad experience, from social media, from something you've read or from TV shows talking about birth in a frightening way.
'This is especially true if you are isolated and not able to talk to a number of other mums about their experiences.’
According to Linda and the 2019 study, the most common reason for severe fear or tokophobia is some form of trauma or pain - either witnessed or experienced directly. Here are some examples:
Hearing only negative stories about giving birth: Difficult birth stories are retold more often than easier ones, which can add to our belief that birth is dangerous.
Trauma: A previously traumatic experience of labour and delivery resulting in birth trauma.
Abuse: Experiences of rape and childhood sexual abuse can sometimes later spark tokophobia.
Pre-existing depressed mood and/or anxiety: This may make it more likely you'll develop tokophobia because you'll react more readily to negative information or previous experiences.
2. Create a positive birth plan
Instead of being scared of childbirth, why not flip it around in your mind and instead be in complete awe of how amazing and adaptable your body can be? Remember: your body was designed to do this and most births are straightforward.
Surround yourself with positive birth stories and believe that you can give birth.
Leah says:
‘There are many excellent resources for creating a positive mindset around labour and childbirth. Your midwife can direct you to any local classes and workshops, and you might also like to look at what else is available locally.
‘Groups such as the NCT or the Positive Birth Movement may have classes near you that can help you to work through your concerns and create an empowering birth plan.
'Some women find hypnobirthing helpful, and you also might want to explore the option of hiring a doula for additional support.’
Writing a birth plan can also help you feel more in control. You'll be able to specify what you want to happen in different situations during labour and birth. For example, if you go overdue, do you want to be induced? You may find that reading up on labour and birth to create your birth plan helps to allay any fears.
We like this beautiful and practical birth planner, with lots of space to write notes and create your plan. See more details here at Amazon.
3. Talk to other mums
Just as negative birth stories can make you frightened of labour, positive stories can help you feel more confident.
Linda says:
‘It’s really normal to feel frightened about the pain. The most important thing you can do is talk to someone who is happy to listen non-judgmentally, who can offer you understanding and support.
‘Talk to other women who had a good birthing experience, especially your relatives. We often look to relatives as a basis for how we think we will cope.'
If someone starts sharing a negative birth experience with you, don't hesitate to ask them to stop! If you're feeling more freaked out than comforted by what you're hearing, just thank them for sharing, but say that it's probably not what you need to hear right now.
'Antenatal classes help pregnant women feel more prepared, better informed and more confident about childbirth. Talking to other pregnant women may help to ease your fears too.'
Some antenatal classes focus specifically on hypnobirthing and having a positive birth experience, but regular NHS or NCT antenatal classes will help to prepare you, too.
Find an antenatal class in your area.
If you have a partner, share your worries with them, too. Although they probably won't be able to help you in terms of what to expect, they can at least reassure you that they'll be there to support you throughout, and may be able to provide a little perspective or distraction when your worries get on top of you.
4. Get support from your midwife
The support of a midwife you trust can make all the difference in how you feel about your upcoming labour.
Ask to see the same midwife at each antenatal appointment. If there is a member of staff you would prefer not to see it is OK to say so; there should be a local supervisor of midwives who can arrange for you to see someone else.
And if you're not happy with your treatment you can always ask your GP for a second opinion.
Remember that your midwife is there to support you, and will have seen it all before. There's no such thing as a silly question, and your midwife won't judge you for anything you say or do.
You may feel like confiding in your midwife won't really help, but sometimes just uttering our fears and worries out loud can be a surprising relief!
5. Know when your fear is actually tokophobia
It’s important to recognise if your fear is something more serious. Linda says:
‘The example I would give is of two women who both want to have a baby.
‘One is scared but will go ahead and try. The other feels so paralysed with fear that, even though she’s desperate for a baby. she can’t do it. That’s the woman with tokophobia.’
Talk to your GP or midwife if you suspect your fear is actually a phobia.
Leah says:
‘If your GP or midwife thinks that your fear of birth has developed beyond normal anxiety and may be tokophobia, they can refer you to a psychologist for a definite diagnosis and help.
‘The team will put appropriate support in place to ensure that you are more comfortable with the prospect of childbirth and any issues that may arise.’
6. Get treatment for tokophobia
If you have tokophobia, it’s important you get professional help. Linda recommends asking your GP to refer you to a CBT-trained therapist who specialises in fears.
She adds:
‘A lot of times we develop a fear and can't understand why. That’s because we may have suppressed the memory. Some women may wish to uncover the origins of their distress, but it's generally not necessary to do so in order to overcome the fear.'
If you've had a traumatic birth experience in the past, you may be suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). If you think a previous traumatic birth is affecting your attitude to giving birth again, be sure to mention it to your GP, as they may be able to find you a therapist that specialises in PTSD.
If you've tried all of the above and are still feeling very scared of childbirth, it is possible to request a C-section. The National Institute for Health and Care Excellence (NICE) says that, if therapy doesn't help and you're still feeling very anxious about giving birth, your choice for a C-section should be supported.
Are you experiencing anxiety or depression? Talk to your midwife or GP and read more about depression in pregnancy.
What to Expect When You're Expecting by Heidi Murkoff is a must-read book for all expectant parents. See more details here at Amazon.
You can also buy it here at Waterstones.
How are you coping with the thought of childbirth? Chat to others in our chat thread below ...
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