I am so scared, PPD
6 answers /
Last post: 07/01/2024 at 7:43 pm
I am petrified writing this and praying nobody judges me. I have a 4 year old son and 4 month old baby. I lost my dad to cancer when I was 3 months pregnant, my son holds a special place in my heart, if it wasn’t for him and becoming his mum I don’t think I would of dealt with my dads death well, the first week after son was born I was very withdrawn as I had a emergency c section and had labour preeclampsia and sepsis, after that week upon arriving home, that was it, I fell in love with my son, I looked at him and I melted we was instantly best friends, he wasn’t the easiest baby stayed awake for hours and didn’t sleep well, he also suffered with what I’d say was mild colic. Now I had my little man I dreamed of having a baby girl, it’s all I ever wanted. I was so fortunate I gave birth to my baby girl September just gone, she was meant to slot in to my current life, come on school trips, come out on days out with kids and cousins, she was literally meant to slot in. I booked myself
a a c section, the c section wasn’t the easiest she was so embedded forceps had to be used, my baby was placed on me I felt in a daze I knew I loved her but it didn’t hit me straight away I assumed it was like what happened with my son, afterall hormones, my son started reception 3 days later, breastfeeding wasn’t going well, I was exhausted. 10 days later I decided to stop bf it was consuming all my time and my mum guilt for having no time for son broke my heart. 10 days after that I was admitted in to hospital for 3 days due to a internal c section infection. After this it’s been a blur. She screamed 24/7!! Nothing I could do would console her, I got frustrated as her mother why didn’t she like me why couldn’t I calm her down. I went down the avenue of milk allergy, reflux, tongue tie. She had scans, changed her milk, took her to a cranial oestopath, the DR said she has colic and to wait it out she will get better. She’s 4 months on Friday and although she isn’t crying 24/7 she is extremely high needs, she can only deal with being awake for 30 mins and then screams for a nap and doesn’t go down for a nap easy, I’m such a control freak it’s killing me that I just don’t understand her. I’ve got to a point now where I’m sure it’s PPD, I feel useless, I don’t want to see anybody, yday was my bday I stayed home whilst my husband took kids to my mums to celebrate, I get so frustrated all the time, im not eating, im just not happy AT ALL I want to just stare at a wall in bed in silence im actually becoming frightened of how i feel. I know i love my daughter deep down but at the moment i feel nothing i feel at times life was a dream before and since she came along she’s ruined me, im now a ***** mum to my first born who used to think the sun shined out my backside! I’m not coping and I’m petrified this will effect my future relationship with my daughter. Today I dropped my daughter to my mums for the night. With my son he didn’t stay at my mums till he was one years old but this time I wouldn’t mind my daughter staying there for days on end I’d miss her loads but I’m happy to pass her away. I just don’t stop crying allllll the time. My mum has Prozac tablets and has given me some to see if it helps. Such a massive step for me as I’m such a holistic person but I always pride myself in being the best mum as my Son is amazing. Intelligent, kind, polite little soul, but I’m failing big time!
not sure what I want out of this but I just feel so alone
Hi Elle
I'm Catherine, one of the Parent Supporters here at Netmums. Sending you a big hug this evening. It sounds like things have been really tough and you are doing amazing! You and your little one have hit lots of challenges and you are really in the thick of it alongside the sleep deprivation, hormones and healing. Elle, it's wonderful that you have support from your mum. Please don't feel guilty about having a night of rest. It may feel different to your experience with your first but you now have 2 little ones at different ages and stages demanding from you and we all need a break at times.
Elle, do you think you could have a chat with your GP or Health visitor about how you are feeling? They will be happy to support you and chat you through options for support. Some mums find medication can be helpful, others may prefer to explore talking therapies or a mix of both. If you find it hard to chat about how you are feeling, could you show them your post here?
Hopefully some of our lovely community will be along soon to offer support too but please come back to us if you would like to chat some more, we are happy to listen.
Catherine
Hi Elle
I'm Catherine, one of the Parent Supporters here at Netmums. Sending you a big hug this evening. It sounds like things have been really tough and you are doing amazing! You and your little one have hit lots of challenges and you are really in the thick of it alongside the sleep deprivation, hormones and healing. Elle, it's wonderful that you have support from your mum. Please don't feel guilty about having a night of rest. It may feel different to your experience with your first but you now have 2 little ones at different ages and stages demanding from you and we all need a break at times.
Elle, do you think you could have a chat with your GP or Health visitor about how you are feeling? They will be happy to support you and chat you through options for support. Some mums find medication can be helpful, others may prefer to explore talking therapies or a mix of both. If you find it hard to chat about how you are feeling, could you show them your post here?
Hopefully some of our lovely community will be along soon to offer support too but please come back to us if you would like to chat some more, we are happy to listen.
Catherine
Thank you, I went doctors this morning, she’s put me on antidepressants and referred me for talking therapy, she said im postnatally depressed. Gutted but it is what it is, hopefully the tablets can help me be the best mum and bring back my happiness
Thank you, I went doctors this morning, she’s put me on antidepressants and referred me for talking therapy, she said im postnatally depressed. Gutted but it is what it is, hopefully the tablets can help me be the best mum and bring back my happiness
Hi Elle
Thanks so much for coming back to us. Good to hear you were able to get an appointment to chat things through with your GP and hopefully you have got a wee bit of rest overnight. I know it probably can feel disappointing or upsetting because it isn't the experience you were hoping for but you are definitely not alone. Around 10% of Mums experience Postnatal Depression and with the right support, things really can get better. Elle, Tommy's have some really useful information and links on their website you might like to explore in the meantime while you are waiting on the talking therapy: The Signs of Postnatal Depression (tommys.org) I'll link it here and hopefully some of our lovely community will be along soon too.
Take care
Catherine
Thank you, I went doctors this morning, she’s put me on antidepressants and referred me for talking therapy, she said im postnatally depressed. Gutted but it is what it is, hopefully the tablets can help me be the best mum and bring back my happiness
Hi Elle
I’m so glad you went to the doctors. I was like this with my boy- I couldn’t stop crying and although I cared about him I just wanted others to look after him!
I had an emergency c section and a long labour so I was exhausted and also had post natal depression. It took some time but once I was in a better place mentally after going on anti depressants we bonded fine. My son is 17 in two weeks !!
It is not failing to need a little help sometimes. We all do from time to time. You sound like a fantastic caring momma, take it easy on yourself - you’ll get there ❤️❤️
Hi Elle,
I am so sorry that this time around things are a bit of a challenge.
But, children, siblings can react so differently from one to the other. They are very much unpredictable.
You sound exhausted, and am sure, nobody is judging you.
No mum can forget what a sleepless night feels like . Well done for reaching out to your mum.
You should contact your gp to let them know how you're currently feeling.
In my view you need some help understanding how you feel and how to move forward.
Please contact your gp.
Wishing you all the very best.x
