Bf mad at me as I disagree with his parenting

Hi Ella,

I'm Catherine, one of the Parenting Supporters here at Netmums. Thanks for sharing with us. It can be hard when you and your partner have different parenting styles but it can be really common and many parents find they don't always see eye to eye on issues around managing behaviour or discipline. Continuing to keep channels of communication open is important. What can be useful is to sit down together, at a time when you both don't feel tired, stressed or under pressure, and perhaps agree how you might both respond in a consistent way. You could also agree a way to let each other know when you need a break too. You haven't told us how old your little one is but you might find the Family Lives website a helpful resource. I'll link it here: Child behaviour Family Lives | Family Lives

Best wishes

Catherine

It's beyond cruel..it's abuse.

If this man is not your son's father then I would be ending the relationship and cutting all contact.

If he is the father then I would still end the relationship, ask him to leave and speak to social services to ensure any contact he has with your son is monitored.

You know the way he is "parenting" is wrong.

Do not allow him to tell you otherwise.

Your son is your priority. Children need love and comfort and understanding. None of this your bf is offering and therefore he shouldn't have a relationship with your son.

Also, by not talking to you because you went against him, that's also abusive.

Hi Ella,

Didn't want to read and run!

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all! I would feel the same if my husband did this (or something similar) to our child and would stand my ground 100%

People have different parenting methods, my brother/sister in law are quite abrupt let's say with their parenting, we have a gentle approach.

I would suggest once you have both had a little time to relax talking about it calmly when you have a moment to yourselves.

What I have found works for my husband and I best is to sort of tag team with this sort of thing.

Everyone has different patience limits and often the sort of day we have had can impact this hugely. When one of us needs a little time out when things are taking longer than ideal, the other will come and take over for a bit.

With all this said, I want to be clear that what he did, and his reaction to you tending to your son, is absolutely not right.

I'm not sure from your post if he is your childs father or not, but if not I would be adamant that it is your way of parenting that he must follow. If he is, find some sort of middle ground that best suits your little one.

Good luck x

Hi Ella. You don't say if your partner is the father and if not how long has he been in your child's life. It does matter to some extent.

Was this the 1st time he's turned the lights off and shut the door?

If this happens alot then you need to talk to him but children these days don't understand there's consequences to bad behaviour. Obviously simple ignoring isn't too bad now but what do you do if/when it gets worse as he gets older?

Your partner not talking to you because of it is a little childish but were all only human.

For the sake of your child though you and your other half need to talk about 'punishment' away from earshot before he realises he can play you off 1 another. You both need to be on the same page infront of him.

We all have our own views but personally based on just this I don't think it's abuse at all. What happened to tough love? Teaching your child respect is a good thing. Obviously there could be more to it meaning it could be classed as abuse in which case I apologise to you.

Hope it all works out the best for you all as a family.

You know your own child and he has to be your priority.

Tell the ‘boyfriend’ to back off .. it’s your child . A child needs their mother to

protect and defend them

it’s awful to be terrified of something and forced to do it

That’s not a “boyfriend”, it’s an abuser living in your house. Leave him before he causes you and/or your son irreparable damage.

I once worked in a children's home where the manager gave staff permission to turn off all lights in the home to scare the children into going to bed at night... this was children with serious trauma.

While the situation improved on their behavior, it resulted in an ofsted investigation which resulted in the home being deemed "detrimental to children's mental health"

Using fear as a technique to teach a child a lesson is deemed abuse and you are in the right to be against it.

“Tough love” here is abuse! Your answer and assertion that it’s not a serious issue is really concerning. Have you heard of gentle parenting, communication and reasoning? This man is showing no sensitivity, empathy, understanding or respect for either his partner or her child and that is abusive behaviour. To deliberately instil fear in a child is abuse and constitutes a safeguarding issue.

I didnt say its not serious. We don't no if this is a regular occurrence. We also don't no if he's the father or not so you saying 'her child' is wrong if that's the case.

The tough love isn't me saying beat your child or frighten your child its teaching them of consequences to actions otherwise there's a chance of them growing up and not acting decent because they think everything can have sorted gentle with reasoning.

In answer to that though in an ideal world that would be a great way to deal with any issues but unfortunately it doesn't always work like that.

I really hope this lady can sort this issue because it's the child tht will get caught up in the arguments.

I'm only giving my opinion as the lady asked for others advice it doesn't mean I'm right its just the way I feel.

Do you honestly believe that social services is going to monitor contact between a parent and child because he turned out a light? I'm a psychologist working with kids with extreme trauma and I have some that are in absolutely awful living conditions where social services are barely involved and others that are now in the care of the company I work for but only after they've been run away from home multiple times, been sexually exploited, extreme self-harm etc.

If OP separates from the Dad he'll likely get 50/50 custody if he wants it and then she'll have no control over how he parents or the consequences when her little boy is there.

Shutting a child who is scared of the dark in a dark room is not just tough love. It's disgusting. It's traumatising and probably more damaging that a smack on the bum (or do you think there's nothing wrong with that either?)

How old is your child, and is your boyfriend his dad?

Advice would depend on both factors.

The way I read it it wasn't planned. In anger/frustration he did it. No im not saying that is right at all but were all human and sometimes do things without thinking. Have you not made mistakes?

In answer to your question about smacking a childs bum no I don't see any wrong in it. Or the leg or hand. Obviously not hard.