Shouting support/ advice
7 answers /
Last post: 14/02/2024 at 11:30 am
This may sound like a stupid question but I need some advice/ support.
What can I say to my child (5) in this instance -
Him - My toys broken
Me - that’s okay il try fix it.. oh I can’t shall we ask daddy.
Him - can you ask him?
Me - why?
Him - he’s going to shout at me and tell me off.
Me - I’m really sorry your feeling that way ‘has a cuddle’ I don’t think he will today though.
This isn’t the first time things like this have been said for tiny things such as this - spilt drinks etc.
Now my husband is volatile - and it’s hard to read from one day/ week to the next. So much so I am taking steps to leave. I have a complete opposite parenting style to him. I just feel at a loss to support them and don’t really know what to say with stuff such as this. I don’t want to say ‘no he won’t’ and I don’t want to simply brush it aside either.
Other instances that have happened over the weekend are -
Son (5) - I don’t want to go to football today mum I’m tired.
Me - that’s okay we can play this morning instead of you want? Now are you sure?
Son - yeah I’m sure - let’s play.
Husband - you might loose your place.
Son - I don’t want to.
Husband - but your friends will get better than you at it.
Son - I don’t want to
Husband - so even though your friends will get better than you you still don’t want to go.
Son - that’s fine.
Me - hey that’s okay dude, well done for voicing it to us.
Now he did well here, as before he would have said yes to just please him. Iv tried stepping in conversations such as this to gently divert but I quite often get shouted at for it so to avoid conflict infront of young kids I have to be careful. How can I manage this? Does anybody have any recommended reads etc?
Thank you.
Hi Sarah,
We've moved your thread into our drop-in clinic unhealthy relationships so you can get the advice and support you need
Hi Sarah,
I'm Loraine, one of the Netmums' Parent Supporters.
I think we've chatted on here before on your previous threads.
I'm sorry to hear that things don't seem to be any better at home and I know you've previously been given the link to Women's Aid - did you ever make contact with them Sarah? They really are fantastic at talking you through all of the options you need to consider, if you decide to end this relationship. I'll leave you the link again here for convenience. Live Chat | Women's Aid Live Chat
As you probably know already, there is evidence to show that children who are brought up in abusive households (and what you've described here is emotional abuse), can go on to be detrimentally affected right through to adulthood, so you're right to be concerned.
Sometimes it helps to consider how you would feel if you were still writing to us in 1 or 2 years time with the same issues - would that be an acceptable place for you Sarah?
We're here to listen and chat some more if you continue to find it helpful, so come back and let us know what advice you've received and we'll try to support you in any way we can.
Loraine x
Hi Sarah,
I'm Loraine, one of the Netmums' Parent Supporters.
I think we've chatted on here before on your previous threads.
I'm sorry to hear that things don't seem to be any better at home and I know you've previously been given the link to Women's Aid - did you ever make contact with them Sarah? They really are fantastic at talking you through all of the options you need to consider, if you decide to end this relationship. I'll leave you the link again here for convenience. Live Chat | Women's Aid Live Chat
As you probably know already, there is evidence to show that children who are brought up in abusive households (and what you've described here is emotional abuse), can go on to be detrimentally affected right through to adulthood, so you're right to be concerned.
Sometimes it helps to consider how you would feel if you were still writing to us in 1 or 2 years time with the same issues - would that be an acceptable place for you Sarah?
We're here to listen and chat some more if you continue to find it helpful, so come back and let us know what advice you've received and we'll try to support you in any way we can.
Loraine x
Hi Loraine,
thanks for your reply.
Yes I’m in the process of leaving. I have contact with a support worker through my local charity.
Im bothered more about supporting my kids whilst we are still living in the family home (the time to leave is coming - unfortunately it isn’t as straightforward as I’d like it to be but it’s very close).
I don’t want to bad mouth him but I want them to know I acknowledge what they are saying.. I just don’t know how to voice it to them when conversations like this pop up.
last night my daughter cried and says that he shouts a lot and that she feels like he doesn’t like her. I said I was sorry and that I can understand it’s confusing when people shout and then say they love you. But I never know the right things to say!
Are you able to voice your concerns to dad and not recieve abuse. The trouble is once you leave he could be left unsupervised around the child and you are not there to protect them from his behaviour. do you think he is willing to listen and acknowledge he may need to change the way he talks to the kids. I lived with a man as child who was my mother's partner and he terrified me to the point I would not speak unless spoken to and avoided him. All he knew was shouting and talking down to children and other adults for that matter. I'm now living with issues due to his manner. You do well leaving this man if he is willing to change.
Hi Sarah, my husband had borderline personality disorder and due to that he struggles with a lot when it comes to our children. They would say things that u mentioned. I would have to do everything because they didn't want to ask dad. In the end I said if things didn't change we were separating and now he's got help and things have improved. It's up to him if he wants the help or I'd he thinks he's doing nothing wrong. My husband knows he was a ***** and he knew he needed to change. It didn't help that he had a awful childhood with abusive men, he never had loving or kindness so I've showed him the way. If he ever went back to how he was I would 10000% leave xxxx
Hi Loraine,
thanks for your reply.
Yes I’m in the process of leaving. I have contact with a support worker through my local charity.
Im bothered more about supporting my kids whilst we are still living in the family home (the time to leave is coming - unfortunately it isn’t as straightforward as I’d like it to be but it’s very close).
I don’t want to bad mouth him but I want them to know I acknowledge what they are saying.. I just don’t know how to voice it to them when conversations like this pop up.
last night my daughter cried and says that he shouts a lot and that she feels like he doesn’t like her. I said I was sorry and that I can understand it’s confusing when people shout and then say they love you. But I never know the right things to say!
Hi Sarah,
It's Loraine again.
I'm glad to see you're getting support from our lovely members on here - I hope that helps you to feel less alone in the situation you've described.
You've already been given the Women's Aid info and they will help you to develop a plan to end the relationship safely, but I've noticed you've asked a couple of times about how you should acknowledge your childrens' comments/feelings, without 'bad mouthing' their dad - you sound like a fantastic mum Sarah who is trying to do the best by everyone. I wanted to ask whether you've considered the NSPCC as a source of advice?
They have child protection specialists on their helpline who you can chat to (anonymously if you wish) about how best to handle the situation at home - is that something that might be helpful? You can access the relevant details at: https://www.nspcc.org.uk/keeping-children-safe/reporting-abuse/nspcc-helpline/
Keep chatting to us here and let us know how things are and we'll try to find you the best information that we can.
Loraine x
