Advice needed
12 answers /
Last post: 14/01/2024 at 10:37 am
I apologise for the long post but I really need some advice!
I had a brief relationship with my daughter’s dad and we split up when I was 2 months pregnant (daughter is now 12 years old). Although it was a toxic break up (court involvement etc) he has always been somewhat consistent in her life (having her every other weekend).
He is from a culture that is very hard on girls and demands respect at all times and this has put a significant strain on their relationship over the years but I have always managed to convince my daughter to maintain a relationship with him.
She is now 12 years old and has the normal preteen attitude but on the whole is a good kid but her dad is so hard on her and has a problem with everything she does, he doesn’t really bother with her when she’s not with him, no phone calls, texts etc. She got bullied quite badly at school and when I told him about it, he called her and asked her what she had done wrong in order for her to be bullied and when I offered for him to come to the school with me he said he was busy and to let him know how I got on.
I got a phone call from her not long ago (whilst she was at her dads) at 10pm and she was begging for me to help her, he was screaming and swearing at her and in the end he threw her and her belongings out resulting in her having to call her grandad (his dad) to go and pick her up as she was so afraid and then me having to pick her up from her grandads house.
Things have only gotten worse since this incident and she’s now constantly saying she doesn’t want to go when it’s his weekend, I’ve tried to speak to him about how he’s making her feel and because of that and other factors she’s now starting therapy in February but he has an answer for everything and can see no wrong in his words or actions.
My question is, do I continue to fight for them to have a relationship or do I respect her wishes and not send her there anymore
Hi Kimberley,
I’m Lauren one of the parent supporters here on Netmums. It sounds like you have been working very hard to support your daughter to maintain a relationship with her dad.
She is now of an age that she can make her own decisions and if CAFCASS were involved they would be taking on Baird her opinion and feelings. It is positive that she is starting therapy and perhaps her own feelings around contact are something she could explore there?
It is important that she feels listened to and supported by you.
Hi Kimberley,
I’m Lauren one of the parent supporters here on Netmums. It sounds like you have been working very hard to support your daughter to maintain a relationship with her dad.
She is now of an age that she can make her own decisions and if CAFCASS were involved they would be taking on Baird her opinion and feelings. It is positive that she is starting therapy and perhaps her own feelings around contact are something she could explore there?
It is important that she feels listened to and supported by you.
Thanks for your reply.
Yes Cafcass were initially involved but we haven’t been to court in over 11 years.
I will always support her decision but at this point I can’t help but feel her relationship with her father is doing her more harm than good. He owns a holiday home, a 2 hour drive from where I live and that is where he takes her on his weekend. She loves going up there to see her friends but says she dreads being around him so what’s the point in her going?
He also has a son (younger than my daughter) and there is a clear favouritism, the son can do no wrong and in the eyes of her dad is the perfect child but my daughter only has to breathe the wrong way and all hell breaks loose!
My daughter has a lot of built up frustration (and if I’m honest, a lot of hatred) towards her dad and I feel that too much damage has been done but I feel that different parenting techniques isn’t a good enough reason to stop contact despite how it’s making her feel?
The fact her dad chucked her out of the house is a red flag. You need to think about her and what’s best for her. Her safety was at risk and right now her mental health. Think along the lines of… if social services were involved what would they say? I think you may get your answer, which deep down you already probably know. Look after the both of you. Good Luck.
Thanks for your reply.
Yes Cafcass were initially involved but we haven’t been to court in over 11 years.
I will always support her decision but at this point I can’t help but feel her relationship with her father is doing her more harm than good. He owns a holiday home, a 2 hour drive from where I live and that is where he takes her on his weekend. She loves going up there to see her friends but says she dreads being around him so what’s the point in her going?
He also has a son (younger than my daughter) and there is a clear favouritism, the son can do no wrong and in the eyes of her dad is the perfect child but my daughter only has to breathe the wrong way and all hell breaks loose!
My daughter has a lot of built up frustration (and if I’m honest, a lot of hatred) towards her dad and I feel that too much damage has been done but I feel that different parenting techniques isn’t a good enough reason to stop contact despite how it’s making her feel?
Sorry, but he put his own 12 year old daughter out on the streets? What sort of father does that! I would report him to social services to make sure it is on record.
I have been in a similar situation with my daughter, I followed her wishes as there was a lot of concerns raised, and she made the decision herself. Fortunately for me, her father never bothered to try and contact us at all.
I do hope things work out for you whatever you decide. Good luck to you and your daughter.
His daughter was easy to control when she was little, but now that she has a mind of her own, he cannot handle it.
Whichever culture he's from (even English men can be control freaks) - his treatment of her is unacceptable.
I would call social services and ask them where you stand, if your daughter refuses to see him. Because you don't want to give him the opportunity to say you were the one stopping her from going.
Honestly, i don't think men like him ever change. Control is like a drug to him. Perhaps make the visits shorter, just a few hours?
His daughter was easy to control when she was little, but now that she has a mind of her own, he cannot handle it.
Whichever culture he's from (even English men can be control freaks) - his treatment of her is unacceptable.
I would call social services and ask them where you stand, if your daughter refuses to see him. Because you don't want to give him the opportunity to say you were the one stopping her from going.
Honestly, i don't think men like him ever change. Control is like a drug to him. Perhaps make the visits shorter, just a few hours?
That is exactly what it is! He hates not being in control and can’t stand the fact that she now has her own mind.
He had her Christmas Day and woke her up before everyone else so she could clean the house so it was clean for everyone waking up, when she let him know she wasn’t happy about doing it he cancelled taking her to his holiday home for the New Year’s Eve party!
My daughter has a lot of issues (long story short my partner was killed and then 2 months later whilst preparing for his inquest I took my mum and daughter to Cyprus and we woke up one morning to find my mum had died) so I feel my daughter needs some extra care and he’s just not giving it to her 😔
Please don’t send her there anymore, things will only get worse, to throw his own child out, and she is a child, will only get worse.
What does his father, her grandfather make of all of this?
Please don’t send her there anymore, things will only get worse, to throw his own child out, and she is a child, will only get worse.
What does his father, her grandfather make of all of this?
His dad is a very quiet man so hasn’t said a lot although, he let me know he was disgusted by his actions and ‘wouldn’t blame me for stopping contact’.
I’ve spoken to my daughter today and asked her what her wishes are and she has said she wants a relationship with him but wants things to change - although they never will. So now I feel so conflicted 😐
She is 12 and if she does not want to have a relationship with her dad that is her choice. You have done your best to ensure there was a relationship, buyt it sounds like it is not a very healthy relationship for her. Step back and let her make her own choice. He does not deserve a relationship with her.
His dad is a very quiet man so hasn’t said a lot although, he let me know he was disgusted by his actions and ‘wouldn’t blame me for stopping contact’.
I’ve spoken to my daughter today and asked her what her wishes are and she has said she wants a relationship with him but wants things to change - although they never will. So now I feel so conflicted 😐
Could the grandad supervise the visit? Or could your daughter see her dad at grandads house if she doesn’t want to stop the contact? Or failing that, could grandad speak to dad?
That is exactly what it is! He hates not being in control and can’t stand the fact that she now has her own mind.
He had her Christmas Day and woke her up before everyone else so she could clean the house so it was clean for everyone waking up, when she let him know she wasn’t happy about doing it he cancelled taking her to his holiday home for the New Year’s Eve party!
My daughter has a lot of issues (long story short my partner was killed and then 2 months later whilst preparing for his inquest I took my mum and daughter to Cyprus and we woke up one morning to find my mum had died) so I feel my daughter needs some extra care and he’s just not giving it to her 😔
Oh lord, so sorry about your mum and your partner passing!
This must have been so hard for you and your daughter.
I think she's probably getting ready to face the truth, although a child always hopes that the parent will change one day.
My daughter is 15 and is still clinging on to hope that her dad (my ex) will one day start caring about her, and give her some of his time. But deep down she knows it will never happen and she's ready to cut him out of her life for good. He lives 4 miles away and only sees her once a year, as he's "busy".
Kids always cling on to hope, but i think your daughter will probably give him a few more chances and then she'll be done with his narcissism.
