Childs party

Hi Laura,

I'm Catherine, one of the Parent Supporters here at Netmums. Thanks for sharing with us. I've asked for your post to be moved over to our drop in clinic where I think you will get more support.

Birthday parties can definitely feel awkward if you don't know anyone but for some people it can also feel like a less intimidating way to meet other parents because there is the common link of your kids being together. If it's something you really dislike, Laura, is there anyone else who could take him to the parties if you are worried about him missing out?

Laura, I wonder do you notice the anxiety affects you in any other situations? Have you had any support for it? If you think it would be helpful, could you have a chat to your GP?

We are to listen, if you would like to chat some more

Catherine

Hello Thankyou for your reply yes there is someone else willing to take him but I just feel like I failed if someone does it for me and worry the parents may ask questions. I have had therapy and been on medication in the past whilst trying to live with this new condition and In most situations it’s under control. I really struggle in new surrounding with new people the most or large crowds but I tend to find if I feel uncomfortable I just remove myself as I learnt to not upset myself as I knew sometimes it wasn’t worth it. Even writing the post today I found myself getting more upset and worried about it making me quite unwell tonight

Hi Laura,

We've moved your thread into our drop-in clinic maternal mental health board, so you can get the advice and support you need.

I’m going to say this as nicely as possible.

yes you are being selfish. You’re allowing your child to go without socialising because you don’t like it. Unfortunately it isn’t about you. It is about your child.

I am someone with social anxiety and I always push to go to birthday parties when the kids get an invite. Yes I sit there awkwardly but the little kids have the best time. It’s about them and not me.

you need to put your feelings aside and put your child first here. Your son will end up having social anxiety just like you and I am sure you do not want that.

please do not let your child go without because of your own personal issues. Again I am saying this in the nicest way possible because I do get it.

Your child is three. They should have friends by now. And if not you would need push them in the right direction to get some. Your child needs to socialise to help with their development.

please let your child go to the birthday party.

I always think, imagine if no one turns up to a party and the birthday kid is on their own. I wouldn’t want that. It does happen.

the start to getting over social anxiety is to make that first time. Don’t let your child go without, please.

Party invitations will start coming in thick and fast from this age. Personally, I’d want him to go, whether that’s you that takes him or someone else that’s up to you. If you cannot face it then don’t.

no experience of anxiety but I’d be pushing for more help as I can’t imagine this will go away forcing yourself to attend things but for the sake of your wee one I’d think it’s something you will have to do and more often as he gets older.

Aw this makes me sad, please try and push yourself to take your child as it will end up stopping them from making friends. You will only decline more invites and it’s your child that’s missing out :(

You really need to do this for your child invites will come in as he gets older and you need to support him to socialise.

I'd take some ear buds listen to some music or a podcast and read a book with a nice coffee. Smile and say hello in all the right places thank them for the invite so you dont come accross as rude. the more you focus your attention away from what's happening around you you should be able to get through it.

Small steps and all that but the more you avoid it the harder it will become.

Obviously this wouldn't work if it's someone's home but if it is a public place maybe you could get a family member or friend to go with you. Preferably someone who is at ease with strangers; it might even help you make friends.

Then let them take him. I always feel really awkward and stressed at these things, even now, and my child is older so, the odd time, I get hubby to take our child. Sometimes, it’s not about us - anxiety/ depression, etc., are very insular and inward looking. So, enjoy some time working on yourself while he goes to the party with another family member. X

Anxiety is awful so I can empathise .

Can you employ some coping mechanisms - I find lavender on tissue helps me and deep breathing .

If it’s the social aspect , how about taking a book / magazine as a prop - less awkward sitting there reading - if someone comes and talks to you obviously put it away x

All the best x

Hi Laura, I can guarantee you will not be the only parent feeling anxious and awkward about this. It can often seem like everyone knows each other or you're the odd one out.

It is rarely the case.

You can't be the only working parent not able to do drop offs for example.

Bite the bullet and go along for the sake of your child and his social development. Smile at people. Say hello. Tell yourself before you leave the house that that's all you need to do. The more you do it, the easier it will become. With time, you'll eventually get to recognise the other faces there from the nursery and they will recognise yours. I know it feels daunting at the moment but you will get there. x

I agree with other replies, you put your feelings aside for the sake of your child. Your child goes to birthday parties to have fun, and make friends, no matter what the parents want to feels about the situation.

Imagine your child missing out because you didn’t feel comfortable taking them or sitting there. I also agree with the other replies, take your child there, get yourself a drink and a book or magazine. I don’t know any other adult who actually enjoys these things.

For the person willing to take your Son… take the opportunity and go with them!

Being with someone you’re comfortable with will make it easier for you, you won’t be walking in or sitting alone and you’ll have someone to talk with.

You never know it may be fine and you’ll wonder what all the anxiety was about. It’s only when we do these little things out of our comfort zone do they get easier, and I promise they do!

However I do advise you to speak to your doctor about how you’re feeling, you’d benefit from counselling. It will only become harder the longer you leave it and your feelings and symptoms will worsen so for both the sake of you & your son, please seek help!x

What are you actually anxious about or worried will happen? What is the worst thing that can possibly happen?

Can you befriend one of the mums? Perhaps go for coffee and a chat and get to know 1 to 1 and then get her to support you at larger events.

My motto is just get chatting about the kids. No one really remembers afterwards what was said of who was there just that everyone had a nice chin wag while the kids had a blast.