My mum passed away and I'm angry
10 answers /
Last post: 18/02/2024 at 9:22 am
Hi all
I feel a bit lost at the moment, I'm not quite sure how to feel.
When I was 6, my mum had a stillborn baby, which obviously is a terrible thing for anyone to go through. She then turned to alcohol, and my whole life changed. I basically became the parent and looked after her, cleaning the house, cooking dinners, making sure she got home safe from the pub, dealt with her nasty behaviour. She treated me terribly, I basically lost a mother figure and became self sufficient in a way. I'd constantly get shouted at and hit for no real reason.
So around this time last year, I got engaged, my mum seemed unphased by this, a couple days later, she called me and started having a go at me, drunk, telling me I'm horrible for getting engaged to someone she never met. We had arranged a visit a fair few times before the engagement but she was always drunk when I called her to confirm we were coming. I didn't want my partner to have to meet her in that state. Its embarrassing for me, and although he wouldn't mind, or wouldn't say anything bad about the situation, I didn't feel comfortable neither. I hated how she acted when drunk.
So after this abusive phone call, I told her a few things about how I felt towards her, regarding my childhood and how I thought she was an awful person for everything she's done. I then cut her off.
We didn't speak for around 6/7months, and I found out I was pregnant, after a chat with my older sister I decided to give my mum a chance to be part of my child's life. I found out my mum had recently got out of hospital after almost dying from alcohol abuse, she was told she would die if she drank again. She told me she was sober and slowly we started to build up a relationship. It wasn't perfect, but we were getting there and although I had my suspicions, I gave her the benefit of the doubt. I visited her once and she came to me once over the last couple months and we were chatting about when the baby arrives etc.
Sunday just gone, I found out that she had passed away on Saturday evening from my sister. Who then told me that she had been drinking a lot since around November time
I feel so angry and disappointed. I'm sad that she's gone, but I'm also relieved. I just feel like any progress that was recently made was based on lies, and everything before I cut her off was just constant abuse and nastiness from her.
I've tried to tell my sister how angry I am and she says I have no right to be angry with her because I cut her off and left her alone. But when I was 6, I was dealing with it all alone, and now I just feel like she's chosen alcohol over me for the last time
Hi Amy,
We've moved your thread into our drop-in clinic unhealthy relationships board, so you can get the advice and support you need
Hi Amy
I'm Catherine, one of the Parent Supporters here at Netmums. Thank you for sharing with us. I've asked for your post to be moved into our drop in clinic where I think you may get more support.
Amy, I'm sorry to hear how tough things have been. It sounds like your childhood was difficult and has been shaped by your experience of your mum's alcohol use. As adult, you needed to put boundaries in place. I wonder Amy, did you have any support growing up? I think we now have a much better understanding of how these experiences impact on children but that may not have been recognised when you were a small child. I wonder if you have ever had a space to chat about your experiences? Grief and loss is often a very complex feeling and it is unique for everyone. Would you think about having some counselling? It could be a neutral space for your to explore this. I'll link the Cruse website here : Home - Cruse Bereavement Support
Hopefully some of our lovely community will be along soon to offer support but please come back to us, if you would like to chat some more.
Catherine
I really feel for you because you can’t even grieve when you had such a terrible time with your mother. Alcoholism is so destructive , my friends husband was one and I saw him wreck their family. My own mother isn’t an alcoholic but I had a bad childhood/ teens and I feel resentful and cheated that she wasn’t a good mother to me and my sibling and we have not turned out good adults because of it.
I think you were very generous giving your mum a second chance and trying to build a relationship, you couldn’t have done more. Sadly the lure of her addiction was too strong , she probably hated herself for it. I think being angry is a natural thing to feel & part of your grieving process but try and direct it towards her illness and not her , I think that will be more healing for you. You can’t change the past -,only the way you feel about it . So try to see the positives , that you have survived and become a functioning adult , able to be loved and loving and to become a mother yourself. That is a great achievement and you must applaud yourself for it. And you need to enjoy your baby and being a mother . It’s sad your mother missed having a close relationship with her children and won’t experience being a grandma but don’t let it ruin your life as it did hers xxx
It’s still early days since you both lost your mother… but you both were parented differently by her. I assume you were the eldest (?) and took the brunt of what went on… same happened in my childhood, but not with alcohol…
For your own sake, you need to get some counselling to work through your childhood… then forgive her for what happened so that you can leave it behind and move on. You’ll never forget it, but you can grow from it, put it to good use and be strong for your new little future family.
Your sister might not understand many things either, but your journey is not her journey.
Take your time with grieving… grieving comes in many forms; anger can be part of it too.
Bless you - I’m only a message away
It’s still early days since you both lost your mother… but you both were parented differently by her. I assume you were the eldest (?) and took the brunt of what went on… same happened in my childhood, but not with alcohol…
For your own sake, you need to get some counselling to work through your childhood… then forgive her for what happened so that you can leave it behind and move on. You’ll never forget it, but you can grow from it, put it to good use and be strong for your new little future family.
Your sister might not understand many things either, but your journey is not her journey.
Take your time with grieving… grieving comes in many forms; anger can be part of it too.
Bless you - I’m only a message away
Unfortunately I'm the youngest, my sister was in her 20s when all this began. When I was young, my sister disappeared because she couldn't deal with my mums behaviour. Most of my family distanced themselves from it all. Leaving me to pick up the pieces basically. Just makes it difficult now I hear the likes of my sister/uncles talking about how much they done. Recent years, Yes. But I had to grow up so fast because I had no one helping me with it. Yet they had all teamed up to try and help and are now pointing fingers at me because i cut her off.
I think you're right, I have a midwife and health visitor appointment next week, so I'm going to ask them if they are able to sort something.
Thank you, I'm sorry to hear you had a bad experience as a child too, I just feel a bit helpless at the moment, I have no nice memories with her. As awful as it sounds I don't even feel sad. I feel I lost my mum a long time ago, she became a violent, abusive stranger to me, and its difficult to mourn her death in the way I think I should
I really feel for you because you can’t even grieve when you had such a terrible time with your mother. Alcoholism is so destructive , my friends husband was one and I saw him wreck their family. My own mother isn’t an alcoholic but I had a bad childhood/ teens and I feel resentful and cheated that she wasn’t a good mother to me and my sibling and we have not turned out good adults because of it.
I think you were very generous giving your mum a second chance and trying to build a relationship, you couldn’t have done more. Sadly the lure of her addiction was too strong , she probably hated herself for it. I think being angry is a natural thing to feel & part of your grieving process but try and direct it towards her illness and not her , I think that will be more healing for you. You can’t change the past -,only the way you feel about it . So try to see the positives , that you have survived and become a functioning adult , able to be loved and loving and to become a mother yourself. That is a great achievement and you must applaud yourself for it. And you need to enjoy your baby and being a mother . It’s sad your mother missed having a close relationship with her children and won’t experience being a grandma but don’t let it ruin your life as it did hers xxx
That's the hardest thing. Everyone in my family is saying about how great she was before alcohol took over her life, but we're talking about 23 years ago. I was 6. I have no recollection of that time whatsoever. All I remember is my family slowly disappearing and me being left to deal with it all. My sister was off travelling, so even she wasn't about, and now she's talking as though I abandoned my mum when I cut her off. It's as though they all forget that I was dealing with this as a child. Not having any idea on what to do.
Thank you, I really appreciate your kind words and I'm sorry that it happened to you too. Alcohol is just disgusting with what it does to people. Unfortunately it's the people who have to deal with it that it affects too. I'm going to be chatting with my midwife and health visitor to see if they can help me to see someone about the way I'm feeling.
That's the hardest thing. Everyone in my family is saying about how great she was before alcohol took over her life, but we're talking about 23 years ago. I was 6. I have no recollection of that time whatsoever. All I remember is my family slowly disappearing and me being left to deal with it all. My sister was off travelling, so even she wasn't about, and now she's talking as though I abandoned my mum when I cut her off. It's as though they all forget that I was dealing with this as a child. Not having any idea on what to do.
Thank you, I really appreciate your kind words and I'm sorry that it happened to you too. Alcohol is just disgusting with what it does to people. Unfortunately it's the people who have to deal with it that it affects too. I'm going to be chatting with my midwife and health visitor to see if they can help me to see someone about the way I'm feeling.
Yes you mustn’t let the legacy of alcohol ruin the rest of your life, that’s great you are going to try to get some help . I do truly understand - my sister is younger than me and was also neglected by our mother but doesn’t feel the same anger or resentment and finds it strange that I do . She did have a better relationship with her when she was a child , honestly never felt my mother liked me and it does have a lasting effect. It is maddening your family don’t appreciate what you went through, how it ruined your childhood and you felt so abandoned - maybe they feel guilt and they won’t acknowledge it to themselves? You have every right to be angry but you mustn’t let it make you bitter and ruin your future . I hope you can get some help to work through it - xx
Yes you mustn’t let the legacy of alcohol ruin the rest of your life, that’s great you are going to try to get some help . I do truly understand - my sister is younger than me and was also neglected by our mother but doesn’t feel the same anger or resentment and finds it strange that I do . She did have a better relationship with her when she was a child , honestly never felt my mother liked me and it does have a lasting effect. It is maddening your family don’t appreciate what you went through, how it ruined your childhood and you felt so abandoned - maybe they feel guilt and they won’t acknowledge it to themselves? You have every right to be angry but you mustn’t let it make you bitter and ruin your future . I hope you can get some help to work through it - xx
I know what you mean, it's hard to let go of the anger and honestly I don't think I realised how much all this affected me until she passed away. It's such a strange feeling. I think because everyone is now telling me I'm wrong for feeling this way, it's just pushing me further from the family. I was basically told to get over it and called a liar by a few people when I mentioned the abuse I suffered as a child, I honestly don't feel like I even have a family at the moment.
My sister is the same, she knew my mum pre-drink and her childhood was good, not perfect, no one's really is, but it was good. The only person I really had growing up was my nan, when she passed away, it broke my heart, but even she lived in Scotland whereas I was close to London, so it's not as if she could've really aided the situation. She asked me a lot to go live with her but she was sick and I couldn't put the burden of looking after a teenager on her
Grief which you have probably been suffering from since you were 6 can now take it's final path. You can lay your mum to rest and come to terms with the mum that she was.
You may need counselling or you may just piece it all together now and move forward with your own family.
Time for you to try and get some peace with it too.
Many hugs. You will have tried your best but with alcoholics it's never good enough.
