I’ve lost my daughter to my abusive ex
8 answers /
Last post: 22/02/2024 at 12:14 pm
Over the years i’ve posted on here about my abusive relationship, even when I went back, and I found so much comfort from the group knowing I wasn’t going crazy and what I was living was not normal.
I finally got out, but properly got out, and cut all ties and communication with my ex. He has a rota when it comes to the two children and my daughter who is now 11 will text him directly for a change here or there.
I’ve met a new partner and i’ve never been happier. He knows all about my past and has never called me a name or disrespected me. He’s also a great influence on the children.
My ex has been telling my eldest she doesn’t have to listen to my new partner, that ‘he’ll sort him out’ and that I can’t take her phone off her when she’s naughty as hell just buy her a new one. I don’t expect to be able to co parent with him, but he is finding a way through my eldest to cause problems and he is turning her against me. She hates me. He keeps saying my daughter can live with him. In my house when she’s calling me nasty names I am trying to address it. This just leaves me feeling powerless. Her father telling her what I can and can’t do when it comes to parenting her and effectively she doesn’t have to listen to me. She stands there in my face and says she’ll call her dad the minute things don’t go her way.
My daughter and I had a big blow up last night and she is just like her father. I feel so guilty as I know it’s my own fault for exposing her to that environment for such a long time. I just want her to love me but she absolutely hates me.
I wouldn’t let her friend stay due to how she’s been in the day with me. I’m a pushover but I’m trying to toughen up a bit and so said no. She turned to me and said, you’re a horrible ***** *****. She told me shes going to burn my house down. Said its a little ***** house. Told me that everyone on her dads side is right about me (they’ve barely seen the kids and i didn’t treat the ex bad at all) and they all hate me, and that she knows what I'm really like and has made her mind up about me. She said to me, i'm eleven and i’d rather kill myself that have you as my mum.
It escalated so quickly. She’s then called her dad and packed her stuff to live with him, and i’ve had him at my door calling me a tramp and being abusive. I’ve been lucky enough to not have to see or deal with him for a good six months. I have minimal contact. She’s gone off with her dad to live there at the moment.
I haven’t done anything bad to her dad expect leave. She’s seen it all, she lived through it too and it makes me so sad she’s turning against me when i’ve been there every day since she was born. He’s completely brainwashing her. She calls me stupid and an idiot and says i’ve got mental health problems and am crazy. All the names and things she said is word for word of what he used to call me.
She is really triggering me though. I find myself fighting back and saying mean things too, like how is she my daughter, how can she be so horrible, to go and leave and not come back. She put her dad on the phone last night before he came kicking off at the house and he was shouting at me and starting and I ended up throwing her phone up the wall. I couldn’t take it. Without realising it, i’m actually looking like the crazy one.
I feel so guilty but I also can’t take being picked on and called these things.
I feel i’ve lost my daughter for good, she’s chosen him over me and it makes me feel sick. I have been trying so hard with my eldest. I really have but he’s well and truly got her in his hands at the moment.
Im tired of fighting. I thought i’d escaped. Now i’m dealing with abuse through my daughter. I just wish she could see. I don’t want her to hate her father i’ve always encouraged a relationship. I just wish she didn’t hate me.
It’s too late to protect her, but how can I help her moving forward. Do I just let her stay with her dad as that’s what she’s said she wants to do?
Hi Katie,
I'm Loraine, one of the Netmums' Parent Supporters.
I'm sorry you're having such a tough time right now - sending gentle hugs your way this evening.
First of all, well done for escaping your abusive relationship and I'm so glad you've met someone who treats you with the respect you deserve.
It sounds like you could do with some legal advice about what your ex can and can't do in terms of turning up at your house and contact etc. It sounds like there is still emotional abuse going on towards both you and your daughter. Rights of Women are a charity who help women through the law, especially where there has been domestic abuse. They have a free helpline where you can speak with a trained adviser and ask for their advice eg. you can put certain legal orders in place so that you don't have to see/deal with your ex re: contact arrangements. You can find out more at: https://www.rightsofwomen.org.uk/
The NSPCC are also a fantastic resource if you're worried about a child. You can contact them via telephone/email etc to explain what's happening with your daughter and to discuss your concerns. Hopefully, they can talk to you about how best to protect her from what is going on and about how to approach conversations during this difficult time, without things escalating further.
I hope some of our lovely netmums' community will drop by soon and share their experience with you, but come back and let us know how things are and we'll try to support you in any way we can.
Loraine x
Hi
so sorry to hear what you’ve been through and are going through now. It sound’s heartbreaking.
when I was reading your post the first thing that popped into my head was “she’ll be back”. He is using her to get to you. She will see through him soon enough. And be back.
i haven’t been through anything like this but I think that him having her here and there is totally different to taking care of her full time. He will get fed up and show his true colours to her again and she will remember what he was like before and will come running back. Just keep the lines of communication open to her and txt her hello here and there to ask how she is etc. give her space. She WILL coming running back mark my words!!!
Firstly we'll done for leaving. Secondly I'm sorry you're going through this.
My 14 year old packed and left 3 weeks and and won't have anything to do with me. He's now living with his dad who he hadn't seen for 6 years. Legally there is absolutely nothing I can do....his behaviour towards me was very similar to your daughter. Absolutely vile, all because I actually parented him.
Get some legal advise but as its dad and he has PR there mat be little you can do unless she is unsafe there. Maybe give her some time and see if she cools down. Let her know you care and she'll always have a home with you and can come back anytime.
Everyone keeps telling me he'll realise eventually but I can't see it. It's absolutely heartbreaking as dad is letting him stay off school, not do coursework for his GCSEs and allowing his gf to sleep over. Yet my hands are tied.
I hope things work out for you. Log everything that happens and seek legal advise. Contact refuge too.
Good luck and here if you want to talk, as I know what you're going through. Feel free to message me privately
Xx
I would leave her like pp said eventually the novelty of having her will wear off because he no longer has anything to use against you. I would send her a text to say that your sorry that things went how they done and that you love her and are always there if she wants to talk and she can contact you anytime than leave them to it. It will hurt but a bit of tough love is good. If and when she does ask if she can come back I would say we have to talk about the rules of my house. Make her sweat it out a bit because she will run back and forth as she please whenever she can’t have her own way. You can’t allow her to manipulate you so that she can get her own way.
Yes like others replies have said, leave her there for now, but keep communication open.
Ask her how she is, and how’s school every other day, but don’t push anything, and don’t ask about dad. Keep communication simple and basic, just don’t push her into anything, she will come back if and when she’s ready. I’ve been through it with my son, it took roughly 8 months before he wanted to move back in.
I agree with what others have said about letting her stay for now … and that she will be back.
I was in a similar situation when I was younger (although it didn’t escalate to this level), but I know how hard it is when you’ve got a father who is always telling you how awful you mother is. And I know I was a similar age when it all really started sinking that this wasn’t normal and I was having my own thoughts about it.
It could be a similar thing where she’s confused and trying to make sense of everything. The best you can do is let her know that you love her, and that you’ll always be there for whatever she needs with no judgement.
Also, I know how heartbreaking it is when your child says and does such hurtful things, but the reason she is doing this with you is because she knows you’re not going anywhere, that you love her and she feels safe with you. I know it feels like a terrible way of showing it, but maybe that can bring you some comfort x
Just wanted to say ,I totally feel you and can completely empathise with this situation. Sadly children are conditioned and even my 20yr old has taken a yr post separation to just start coming to terms with who her dad was and what she went through , they are coned to serve and please but as children start talking to others in their peer groups thwy slowly realise that it's not normal behaviours they are experiencing and they move into contemplating phase, and they may stay there a long time, seeing it but not truly excepting it but the only lifeline in that is once in that phase they don't go back into denial
Hope that made sense , happy to chat if you would like
