Blended family nightmare
10 answers /
Last post: 25/01/2024 at 11:06 am
- My partner and I have been together for 6 years. I have a daughter (13) and son (21) living at home with us. This is my first relationship since my marriage ended and my partner has worked hard to have a relationship with my children. It hasn't been easy. They've both gone through stages of liking and then not liking him. He officially moved in, in June this year although he's stayed almost every night for a long time. I was diagnosed with breast cancer 1/6/23 and am currently going through chemotherapy.
- My partner's daughter (13) moved in with us in June because her mum couldn't take anymore of her behaviour. She was disappearing for days, cheeky split her and her partner up. Long story short, since she's arrived she's had 3 fights and not just a push and a pull, proper punching, kicking and hair getting pulled out. This is her to other girls. She's accused a boy of sexually assaulting her. We've had the grandfather of one of the girls she beat up at our door threatening to hit my partner. My son was approached at the local pub by the girls uncle. She fell out with all the local kids. When she finally found another friend she found out where they kept their drugs and stole them. We had a crowd of girls at the door looking for her. When she has no one she can't go out and the trouble stops as soon as she finds a friend she starts again. The worst problem is at home. My daughter doesn't like her. She steals my daughter's clothes, tries to turn her friends against her. I never see my daughter now. She spends most of her time in her room if she's not out. She waits for my stepdaughter to go to her room before she'll come downstairs. My partner is trying to improve the situation. He doesn't let his daughter get away with things if he thinks she's at fault. He's paying privately for her to see a councillor. The way she speaks to him has improved and he thinks she is getting better but I think it's just because she has no one to get into trouble with at the moment.
- I'm at the stage where I don't like her. I don't like the atmosphere she's caused in the house. I love my partner, couldn't ask for anyone to treat me better or be a better role model for my kids but I don't think I can live with her anymore. I feel incredibly guilty for my children. I don't like not spending time with them. I worry about not having lots of time and if that's the case why am I putting my kids through this. Do I need to give it more time for two families to come together or do we quit now?
Hi Anne
I'm Catherine, one of the Parent Supporters here at Netmums. So sorry to hear how difficult things have been in the last few months. It sounds like your partner is trying to support his daughter but I wonder if it might be helpful to have some support from professionals if she putting herself and others at risk? Would you consider chatting to Children's Services or the NSPCC for some advice? I'll link the NSPCC website here: Support for parents | NSPCC.
Blended families can be take some time to bed in and establish but I can hear you are worried Anne about the impact on your children. Have you been able to chat to your partner about how you feel? Would it help to have someone neutral to talk to? Relate offer counselling for couples, individuals and families and could be a space to work out what you may want? There is more info on their website here: What we do | Relate
I've asked for your post to be moved over to our drop in clinic, Anne, so hopefully some of our community will be along soon to offer support.
Catherine
Hi Anne
We've moved your thread into our drop-in clinic unhealthy relationships, so you can get the advice and support you need
Hey Anne, first of all I just want to say big hugs- that is a lot to be dealing with.
Blending families is really hard at the best of times! It takes a super long time and you have to move at the kids pace.
You have had this situation thrust on you at the worst time and its credit to you that you have been trying to make it work.
Sadly this young lass is terrorising the family home, its not Dads fault but it is still making life impossible for you and your child. Is there another relative you could stay with for a short period of time? I think you need time to reconnect with your child and Dad to speak to his?
Hey Anne, first of all I just want to say big hugs- that is a lot to be dealing with.
Blending families is really hard at the best of times! It takes a super long time and you have to move at the kids pace.
You have had this situation thrust on you at the worst time and its credit to you that you have been trying to make it work.
Sadly this young lass is terrorising the family home, its not Dads fault but it is still making life impossible for you and your child. Is there another relative you could stay with for a short period of time? I think you need time to reconnect with your child and Dad to speak to his?
Honestly I don’t see why she should move in with another relative to connect to her child when she has a perfectly good house of her own. If I’ve read her post correctly, her partner moved in with her. So shouldn’t he move out for a while maybe and take his child with him. Until her behaviour improves? As he only moved in with you 6-7 months ago it shouldn’t be too difficult to do.
hi Anne, I'm so sorry you're having to go through this. You sound like a lovely, caring person.
My honest opinion - I feel that you have already put up with far too much already.
I would ask your partner to leave and find somewhere with his daughter. It is not his fault but it sounds as if you've both tried but the situation is now unbearable. I'm not saying split up. But you both need to focus on your own kids. You don't need this when you are going through cancer treatment. Your health and your children's wellbeing and mental health has to come first. Your partner has not been moved in with you long so hopefully it won't be too much of an upheaval for your kids if he goes. You can still spend time together, you can hopefully still support one another. But it can be more on your terms.
What an awful situation to be in. It’s very sad when the relationship you and your kids have with your partner is so good but honestly,I couldn’t cope with this in my home. I think you have to put your daughter (and son) first. I’d ask him to find somewhere else for the two of them to live. You don’t need to split up but she does need to be out of your home for yours and your children’s safety. Nobody can be expected to put up with this and hopefully your partner will understand that.
Honestly I don’t see why she should move in with another relative to connect to her child when she has a perfectly good house of her own. If I’ve read her post correctly, her partner moved in with her. So shouldn’t he move out for a while maybe and take his child with him. Until her behaviour improves? As he only moved in with you 6-7 months ago it shouldn’t be too difficult to do.
I agree, but unsure of the living arrangements plus if she is on long term sick leave the cost of running a house alone may be too much? And also the strain of being unsupported. Thats why I suggested a relative?
You are not alone in this. I feel for you deeply. I have been suffering near enough the same for year with my SD. It got so bad I drove her to her grandparents in September and she hasn't been back since. She threatened to kill me in my sleep and in front of my children said how much she "likes" little children. That's was it for me. I do not like her. She is old enough to know better and her excuse for her behaviour is because I had a baby with her dad. Sje was an only child and very spoilt she did the same to her own mother when she had another baby her mum couldn't cope with her threats and behaviour so she came to us. She jas thrown so many accusations against family members, teachers and her therapist as soon as they disagree with her. I wish I could walk away from the whole family but I can't risk me leaving partner and him taking our daughter to see them. I feel incredibly stuck in my life but for now she can't hurt us. I don't have advice because I wish I had some for myself but I feel for you xx
You are not alone in this. I feel for you deeply. I have been suffering near enough the same for year with my SD. It got so bad I drove her to her grandparents in September and she hasn't been back since. She threatened to kill me in my sleep and in front of my children said how much she "likes" little children. That's was it for me. I do not like her. She is old enough to know better and her excuse for her behaviour is because I had a baby with her dad. Sje was an only child and very spoilt she did the same to her own mother when she had another baby her mum couldn't cope with her threats and behaviour so she came to us. She jas thrown so many accusations against family members, teachers and her therapist as soon as they disagree with her. I wish I could walk away from the whole family but I can't risk me leaving partner and him taking our daughter to see them. I feel incredibly stuck in my life but for now she can't hurt us. I don't have advice because I wish I had some for myself but I feel for you xx
Sorry was meant to say years no a year, she has lived with us for 5 years and I had enough, known her since she was 2 she's now 14 this year so I have tried for years.
