Left my husband

Question

Hi. 1st time posting!

I left my husband 3 days ago (we have 2 children) - he has always been incredibly jealous, we met very young, got engaged when I was just 21 & married at 23. He did some quite vile things at the beginning of our relationship - I remember he was drunk once and I had been out with friends without him and when I got home he shoved his fingers up me to see if I had been with another man (yup, grim) but I loved him and we have been almost one person, so intertwined in each others entire lives for the last 15 years but I have lost contact with my friends and have had bouts of depression and total loss of identity during this time.

In the last couple of years my youngest child started school so I have restarted work and i absolutely love my job, i have friends, i laugh, i just enjoy my work life so much - but when i go out with friends i get a lot of passive aggressive stroppiness, he's generally off with me for no reason, believes i flirt with blokes at the pub but says 'its not you i dont trust its them'.

Last week a male colleague jokingly squirted myself and a friend with his car as we walked in front of it and when i got home i messaged him on instagram saying 'that was neither big nor clever was it....' - my husband has full blown accused me of having an affair with this man, says I've absolutely crossed the line, been totally unprofessional & have reached out to him which shows i want to have sex with him. He has seen this message as he has gone through my phone, all search history, all social media and all my messages, he has gone through my work bag, work laptop and i have seen he has my facebook account on his phone so he has basically been spying on me for months, if not years.

I have never once done anything to break his trust but he is putting doubt in my mind - was I wrong for sending that message? Was I reaching out? I have called him up on his jealousy and he said he will get counsellor but now says I've gaslighted him as he's actually had something to be jealous of as I've messaged another man.

Ugh

Answer

You did the right thing. You should've left his years ago. I have experienced this personally with my x. He was always so jealous and suspicious 24/7. He was a very kind empathetic man with so many good qualities but he would control almost everything in my life. He even got me to quit my job because he was earning well. At the time I thought it was romantic because he said he couldn't stand being away from me while I work. It got to the point where he would time me if I nipped into the shop without him. He didn't let me have any friends and made me cut off all my male friends saying they were all interested in me. He would always say he trusted me but not them and he worried I would leave him for someone better looking as he believed he was punching. He was always so over compensating because he was worried I'd leave him. When we were out together he'd accuse me of checking other men out when I never did. And if I made plans to meet friends he'd want to tag along saying my friends shouldn't have trouble opening up about things because he was my partner even though my friends didn't even know him personally. I was extremely isolated and so confused in that relationship and like you I kind of lost my identity. Every time he acted out he'd blame me for the way he acted and then make up. He was always so good to me even though it was so toxic so it took me forever to end things. Now that I look back I understand how bad it was. You are absolutely right to leave him. My advice would be not to give in and go back to him. Good luck with everything xx