Caught red handed - no remorse or emotion!
9 answers /
Last post: 24/02/2024 at 4:34 am
I found the messages, he doesn't deny it, has been so cold about it, no remorse, no apology, nothing, just carried on as if nothing had happened, I am utterly crushed.
He said it was my fault because I locked him out.
There's a history, our marriage has been difficult for the last 2 years due to his mental health and addiction, I've stood by him through it all, taking constant abuse and critism, advocating and fighting his corner, for him to throw it all back in my face with the ultimate betrayal.
We had an amazing first 11 years a dream life, he was the perfect husband, I literally don't understand how we have gotten to this, he went AWOL for over 12 hours, said to our year old son that he is no longer his dad and drove off, this was really unusual behaviour on his part, naturally everyone was concerned and when he wasn't answering his phone to anyone I decided to call the police to consider a safe and well check, they found him so that was good, the next day something was niggling me about his disappearance so I checked his phone and saw all that I need for full confirmation, he didn't even seem phased when I told him that I knew the truth, I feel so sick and utterly devastated - He had contacted his ex girlfriend from 14 years ago, completely out of the blue, they met up and went drinking, they went back to her house and she took her clothes off and was all over him, he "apparently" said no and told her to put her clothes back on and then left, he said that nothing happened and that I should just drop it - The messages stated that she was so "close to getting it" but he had promised to look after her and having sex with her whilst she was drunk wouldn't be doing what he promised and that he will "do it when she is sober" he then consistently messaged pushing to go back the next day, the girl had some sense and said no, he continued to pursue it then came home to me, STILL maintaining that it was my fault because I locked him out (There is a DVPO in place) and that we were over because of that so it doesn't matter.
I have considered whether this is in my opinion cheating, I have spent the last 3 days at odds with myself over it, even if nothing actually happened that night he fully intended on following through with it had she agreed.
What are your thoughts?
Oh yeh it's cheating and he doesn't care......
Throw the trash away hun and start fresh, cause if you don't do it now, you'll regret it forever!
Sorry to hear what you're going through Sarah.
He may not have physically cheated that night but he was going too once he had the opportunity. The worst part is he has probably cheated more emotionally because this was an Ex partner who he once had feelings for.
The relationship does sound unhealthy. It's almost like he has given up and checked out.
He also had the cheek to blame for you him for almost sleeping with his ex and for him then following that up by actually trying to make arrangements to see her again so he could cheat.
Cheating is a choice and a personal decision. You either want to cheat or you don't?
From your messages the relationship has been on the rocks for a while.
It's probably best to have some time apart. He will most likely use this as an opportunity to cheat so if you meet someone then give it a chance don't wait for him. As he will clearly will put himself first.
After some time if you see a real change in him then only agree to try again if he agrees to Cousellling and once he cleand himself up from any addictions.
Without him getting the necessary help and support the relationship won't be able to continue, if will eventually fall apart!
Also only go back if you really want to make it work for the right reasons. Make sure he agrees to all the help and support if he wants to try again. In the time I would still remain apart so then he knows your serious.
Wish you the best of luck
Rachel
I’m now single with my 2 year old son.
dad cheated on me with a girl he had history with.
he already had two young children.
i find out he had got her pregnant in the February then he went through not 1 but 2 rounds of IVF the March and then the May knowing he had someone pregnant.
he lack of commitment were red flags I should have listened too but I wanted my dream family.
my son was 3 months old when my sons dad was arrested and I found all of the above out.
the girl he cheated on me with, her family have managed to get him in prison for a long time.
these men!! You may think your husband was great for 11 years but I bet it wasn’t all that healthily from an outsider looking in.
start looking up narcissism, coercive control etc see if you can work out any traits that your husband might have had towards you.
It’s always our fault excuse. My son‘s dad has had many excuses even though he’s sorry from the bottom of his heart, and it was always me he wanted to be with.
I honestly support for women out there that have been cheated, which are now single with children.
I completely understand that you are crushed.
i’ve been through the worst pain and emotional trauma and still going through it. Nearly 2 years on.
I have frozen embryos that are now no use due to my situation, age and my dad’s son in prison.
My dream family that I had started eight years ago with a previous cheating is now no more
I’ve had the worst support from health professionals, pretty much no support.
Just crack on and deal with it yourself, that’s how I’ve been made to feel.
Please don’t try to find any excuse as to if this was cheating.
Looking at another woman in a certain way, that’s not you is cheating.
I am sorry that you are married as this is going to become more messy.
Tell him to get over it, pack his bag and get out.
She won’t be the first.
It’s very unlikely that a man can stay faithful for 11 years.
people are not meant to be together for years, and he’s not when you married.
You have hard times ahead, unless you completely try and forgive and forget and carry on as normal, but it will never be normal.
So basically he has respect for her not to take advantage whilst she’s drunk but no respect whatsoever for you, the Mother of his child. That would be all I needed to know. He’s not apologised or shown remorse because as he’s proved he has no respect for you so how you feel doesn’t matter. He doesn’t care. It doesn’t matter how good your marriage was it isn’t good now and it won’t be good again. He’s checked out hun, have some self respect and leave this idiot of a man before he destroys your self worth anymore than he already has.
Sorry to be blunt but what are you considering? He didn’t have sex with her because he was respectful towards her cos she was drunk, but would have if she wasn’t and it’s YOUR fault?!? WTF?!?
That’s an unreliable gaslighting cheating piece if sh*t. Get rid and find someone who will show you some respect.
Bottom line….can you live with someone like this forever? No? Throw him out and don’t just lock him out, change the locks.
Yes I would say this is cheating. How do you know he didn’t have oral sex with her or kiss her? It seems strange they would do nothing. They are horrible messages to see. Why is he acting like this? Is he not over her? Unhappy with you? I have done similar been massively unhappy in my marriage and I split with my hubbie and went to see an ex I had not been able to progress anything for for years. I went back to my hubbie after and a few years on realise that was wrong and some people need leaving in the past. It is never right but often there are reasons people cheat x
I’m now single with my 2 year old son.
dad cheated on me with a girl he had history with.
he already had two young children.
i find out he had got her pregnant in the February then he went through not 1 but 2 rounds of IVF the March and then the May knowing he had someone pregnant.
he lack of commitment were red flags I should have listened too but I wanted my dream family.
my son was 3 months old when my sons dad was arrested and I found all of the above out.
the girl he cheated on me with, her family have managed to get him in prison for a long time.
these men!! You may think your husband was great for 11 years but I bet it wasn’t all that healthily from an outsider looking in.
start looking up narcissism, coercive control etc see if you can work out any traits that your husband might have had towards you.
It’s always our fault excuse. My son‘s dad has had many excuses even though he’s sorry from the bottom of his heart, and it was always me he wanted to be with.
I honestly support for women out there that have been cheated, which are now single with children.
I completely understand that you are crushed.
i’ve been through the worst pain and emotional trauma and still going through it. Nearly 2 years on.
I have frozen embryos that are now no use due to my situation, age and my dad’s son in prison.
My dream family that I had started eight years ago with a previous cheating is now no more
I’ve had the worst support from health professionals, pretty much no support.
Just crack on and deal with it yourself, that’s how I’ve been made to feel.
Please don’t try to find any excuse as to if this was cheating.
Looking at another woman in a certain way, that’s not you is cheating.
I am sorry that you are married as this is going to become more messy.
Tell him to get over it, pack his bag and get out.
She won’t be the first.
It’s very unlikely that a man can stay faithful for 11 years.
people are not meant to be together for years, and he’s not when you married.
You have hard times ahead, unless you completely try and forgive and forget and carry on as normal, but it will never be normal.
I don’t understand how you can say a man looking at another woman is cheating. It isn’t we all look it is if you engage too much or touch that it becomes cheating.
Hi,
It sounds like you're not gaining anything at all out of this relationship.
Neither is your child by the sound of it.
Time to make some tough decisions, I think.
He's not worth your tears.
Good luck. x
