Affair

Hi, I read this and didn't want to run.

So sorry for your loss.

Do we have some background? Are you and your husband still together? Does your husband know about the affair?

Good people can make bad decisions, just remember that.

Although whilst I don't agree with the affair, it must be so lonely and heart-breaking going through anything traumatic alone. Could you speak to your GP to get some extra support? Do you have any friends and family that you can lean on?

If your husband doesn't know about the affair, he must have put 2 and 2 together to know this baby wasn't his? And in that case, he too is in a state of shock, grieving for a relationship that he thought he had (whether or not you are still together), he is also getting his head straight at this news and probably feels shattering to him, so I think giving him time to process all of this is the kindest way. You need him to support you but you've also been the person who's completely shattered his world so I don't think you can expect a lot of support from him unfortunately. I think you will need to look elsewhere in family/friends/GP etc for support for this horrific time. Sending you a hug xx

Sorry, I have just re-read and understand now it's your affair partner's support you are after?

Do you see this as a relationship? or just a "fling"? more importantly do your views on this affair align with your affair partner's views? If he saw it as just a "fling" and suddenly you tell him you're pregnant, this changes the whole dynamic. It means telling his wife, who he may want to still have the same relationship with so I can understand why he would go cold on you as he's trying to protect what he has elsewhere (I am assuming he also has kids?), not that it's right at all as it takes two to tango but unfortunately the responsibilities always lay with the woman in pregnancy.

Again, I think speaking to perhaps your GP on how you could get some extra support at this awful time might help xx

Hi Jane

I'm Catherine one of the Parent Supporters here at Netmums. I'm so sorry for your loss. Sending you a gentle hug today. Is there anyone who knows what you are going through who can support you? You don't have to shoulder this all on your own. I wonder if it might help to have support from someone neutral? Tommy's have a really helpful website with lots of supports around miscarriage : Baby loss information and support | Tommy's (tommys.org). You could also explore the Miscarriage Association who run a helpline: How we help - The Miscarriage Association.

Take care

Catherine

Hi firstly I’m sorry you have had a miscarriage and going through it alone no body deserves that. Do you love your husband if you do I would sit down with him and tell him everything you have to be honest or it’s unfair and not ever going to work. Hopefully with counselling he may let you back and eventually you will get back on track. If not try and come up with something that makes it a bit easier for the children as they are the ones that will suffer the most.

As for the affair guy he’s shown his true colours leave it at that.

Hey, although not great affairs happen a lot. Why did you have the affair there must of been a reason? People can make mistakes and it has happened now despite how tough it is you need to pick up the pieces and move forward. If you have not told your husband about the affair then I wouldn’t what will that achieve? I think the fact the other man has not tried to make more of this than sex shows what he wanted. Do you have feelings for the other man? If so try and distance yourself from any connection you have of him. I would be careful too if he is sleeping with you he might be doing it with others then there is a risk of stds so maybe get tested too. Maybe speak to an independent contact if you feel you need to or speak to us on here. You will feel alone with this x

I wouldn’t tell him no that won’t achieve anything apart from hurt him a lot. She needs to be grateful if this stays a secret and try and move on. Many have affairs and lots of them don’t get exposed either.

That will have been horrific to go through such an experience alone.

Were you surprised that your lover turned his back on you at hearing the news? Or had you gone into the extra-marital relationship with open eyes?

I think that, if you do love hour husband, then maybe you can try and focus on your marriage and make it work.

You should try to get some counselling to get some closure on your miscarriage. It must have been awful.

You'll have to come clean to your husband, but maybe with support that'd be easier. Again through counselling?

Through this affair, you end up being the only one horribly hurt. So far, the happily ignorant spouses have been spared.

Your lover never saw you as anything more than an affair that started and would end.

Time to also turn your back on him.

Sorry for your loss. It must be really tough.

Please keep away from married men, it only brings heartaches.

xx

Why come clean to him? It will achieve nothing. She moves on and he won’t find out. Great advice apart from that.

I am sorry that this has happened to you. Miscarriage is heartbreaking whatever the circumstances.

I don't think your husband needs to know. It will only hurt him.

I think that your affair partner has indeed treated you badly but I think that others have explained to you his motivations and you will gain nothing by reaching out to that disloyal and selfish man. It didn't work out and you need to find ways to move on from your relationship with him.

Seek support from a trusted friend if that is possible, your GP practice and/or specialist organisations to help you cope with your feelings. Others have provided links.

When you feel ready, think some more about what your marriage means to you. Do you still love your husband? Do you want to make it work? Perhaps some couples counselling beginning with one or two individual sessions for each of you so that you can explain privately to your counsellor what you have experienced will be part of your healing.

Wishing you all the best.