How do I know I’m not the problem?
10 answers /
Last post: 18/02/2024 at 2:37 pm
Hello,
Writing out of desperation. I’ll try to keep it brief.
Throughout most of our relationship people have told me it is abusive. I’m at a point where I am so utterly confused and defeated I don’t think I know which way is up anymore.
He says I start the arguments and fly off the handle - something my parents/siblings also said when I was growing up. That I’m “hot headed” or “headstrong”. He says he gets annoyed and snaps and then I keep going on and on until he gets angry. He then lashes out sometimes (verbally) - it used to be every argument and sometimes he’d get aggressive and punch things or throw stuff, but now it’s only ever so often and he rarely lashes out physically. He says it’s because I push and push and he just tries to get me to stop.
He says I’m manipulative and passive aggressive. This one I will admit sometimes I’ll make comments about things. Getting angry and annoyed only tends to light a fire, so I don’t. But I might say something along the lines of “I’ll just pick that up then shall I?” Which I know isn’t helpful, mature or productive. Most of the time I don’t say anything at all but sometimes it just spills out of me.
He says I question his every move. An example of when this argument has come up is when he’s come in from work and the conversation is as follows:
Me: how was work?
Him: fine
Me: was there many people in today?
Him: no it was quite quiet, about 5 people maybe
Me: oh okay, it’s good you got to leave early though, what was it you needed to get done?
Him: (annoyed now) why do you need to know everything? Why do you have to question every single thing I do? I’ll tell you then, I had 5 cups of tea today, I made 2 and other people made me 3… etc etc. goes on and on with me trying to interject to say I didn’t and don’t want to know every intricate detail, I’m just home with the baby all day and was trying to make conversation. By this point it’s a full argument.
He says I “make things up to fit [my] narrative”. So for example if he says something in an argument and then I relay it back to him, he’ll say I’ve made it up in my head. Or when I found multiple pieces of evidence of a potential affair (he still denies this), he says I took all those things, twisted them and put them together to make it fit the story I was telling in my head.
I know this all sounds really cut-and-dry, but I am honestly SO confused. Tonight we had a big row - he dropped his son home then was going to London to pick something up - I called to ask about dinner and said “oh, have you left (sons town) already then?” My memory says he then got defensive and raised his voice. He says that comment was a dig with me insinuating something was off (it wasn’t, I genuinely didn’t suspect anything at this point), he snapped at me and I flew off the handle at him. I will admit and accept I got annoyed. I’m so tired of everything I say being put under scrutiny and him saying I’m making out like he’s doing something he shouldn’t when the reality is, even when I have thought that, I’m generally too worried to bring it to him because I know it’ll end in a huge argument.
At the same time, I know I’m hot headed. I know I can be passive aggressive. I know I can expect the worst for no reason, I know I look for problems sometimes or think there might be one. So maybe I am the problem now. Maybe my thinking he had an affair has clouded everything so much that I’m expecting it to happen again and that’s now coming out in what I say and how I say it without me even being conscious of it.
Honestly, I feel like I’m completely losing my mind. Regardless I know this situation isn’t healthy and I’m barely clinging on as it is. It feels like he’s pushing for me to leave but maybe that’s all in my head too. I honestly don’t know what to do anymore.
But then I would say all this, wouldn’t I? If I was the problem- say I’m narcissistic, I WOULD pin it all on him. Narcissistic people seek out supply I’ve been told. I have nothing to offer. He has a great job with a very comfortable salary, he’s charming, gorgeous, everyone loves him. I’m a total homebody, with zero confidence and no idea where I’m going in my life. So what if I was the one who hunted him down? He says I’m breaking him and I make him miserable. I don’t mean to and clearly don’t know I’m doing it. But again I would say that. Covert narcissists play the victim and expect everyone to run after them. Maybe that’s what I’m doing to him?. And a smear campaign- I talk to my sister and friends about stuff that happens, I’m posting here now. He doesn’t do that. Is that not a smear campaign against him? How do I KNOW for certain I’m not the perpetrator in all this and I do what I’ve read narcissists do - push him to react then play the victim when he does.
if you got to this point, thank you for reading.
Hi Anon
I’m Lauren one of the parent supporters here on Netmums. It sounds like your relationship is really not working at present and you are spending a lot of energy and thought trying to understand what is going on.
You have told us of abusive things he has done. You’ve told us of ways you have also behaved. Have you had a read through this - does any of it ring true for you? https://www.netmums.com/life/how-to-recognise-when-your-partner-is-abusing-you
I wonder do you need some relationship counselling. It sounds like patterns of communication and mistrust are strong between you both and that no matter what is said or done someone will read into it in a different way than is perhaps meant. You may find it helpful to have some counselling yourself to try and work through these questions of whether you feel this is a relationship you see a future in or not.
We are here to listen if you want to chat some more
There's a lot to unpick here. One thing I will say is that a narcissist would never consider being one so I highly doubt you are. It sounds a bit like he has gaslight you and you are questioning your own sanity
This sounds very similar to the start of my relationship. The first 6-7 years were awful. The similarities are that I would behave the way you do and my partner pretty similar to yours, he would get very aggressive at times but their was no physical violence (I should add their was no suspicion of cheating though) I was the same as you very passive aggressive, assumed I was the victim all the time. Over the years I realised that actually both of us were the problem. We weren’t bad people we just lacked in how to communicate well and both of us were always on the deffensive so it just created a toxic environment. Since lockdown both of us have worked on ourselves and I can honestly say he’s now my best friend and aside from the odd little tiff we are really good.
Now the cheating aspect i wouldn’t want to comment on as it’s hard for a stranger to grasp that. My only advice I could give is if you do love him and want to make it work I think the best thing would be to go to couples therapy. You’ve said you question wether you could be part of the problem and how family member have previously made comments in regards to this. So I think to sit down with an impartial stranger would be the best option. I’m not saying either one is the problem because only you both are in the relationship. All I can say is our relationship was very similar and that was the outcome for us
You are not a narcissist. You do not have the profile of one and I can usually spot them from a mile away. Narcissists would also never consider the possibility of them being the issue, ever. What it sounds like to me is that he has emotionally abused and gaslit you into thinking you're the problem, instead of accepting his share of the blame. If you're at home with the baby all day, he should consider that you're going to crave some adult interaction and take interest in his day, not get shi*ty and defensive about you asking him about work. Don't put him on a pedestal and never put yourself down. You're doing the most important job; one that is far more physical and mentally draining than he could ever imagine. Have you tried couples counselling?
Your answer to uour question is in your story. He should show you more respect sat at home bringing up his child.
I lived with 1 for 23 years
Narcissists have no empathy and don't question anything they do, because in their heads, they are always right.
He would never worry about his actions and if he was wrong, because he is that egotistical, it wouldnt enter his head. Anyway hes too busy telling you. What your thinking, and why your doing xyz? He seems like a Negative energy draining victim.
He's got massive narcissistic traits, bless you x
Hello Anon, sorry you've had to write to Netmums. May I ask how old is your baby? Do you go to any mum and toddler groups? Do you see your friends? Only asking as I had post natal depression and your story sounds exactly like mine . Your midwife or doctor as whom you contact. Hugs
Hi everyone,
Firstly, thank you all for taking the time to reply. I will try to cover as much as I can.
I definitely have him on a pedestal. I still see him the same way as the first day I met him. He completely consumes me to be completely honest, I have never loved anyone the way I love him and I don’t think I ever would again if we split up.
When we first got together it was like nothing I have ever known. I was the most amazing person, everything I did he was in awe of. He’d right poems, send flowers, shower me with gifts and tell me how much he loved me every moment he could. We’d have these insane rows over virtually nothing - mainly if he got jealous or I couldn’t see him as much as he wanted but he would always say it was because he loved me so much and if he didn’t care he wouldn’t react the way he did. Then everything would be amazing again. Then we moved in together a couple of years later. The gifts and flowers all stopped, poems were restricted to occasions and I was suddenly not amazing anymore. Everything I did or didn’t do annoyed him in some way and the insane rows were constant- the way I drove, walked, talked, dressed, kept the house… everything. He broke his own hand once punching a wall. Then messaged me from the hospital (he wouldn’t let me go with him) to say “not to worry” and “he hasn’t told them the truth about it all” like I was somehow at fault.
Fast forward to now and things have settled. We rarely row and when we do they aren’t explosive anymore. But my “version” of things is always twisted. To the point I’ve asked a friend to buy a voice recorder so I can record our arguments so I can hear what actually happened. Because as it stands now, I start the arguments. When in my head, he flies off the handle. But then he uses the fact that I’m hot headed (or used to be), “you know what you’re like”.
And I do know how I can be. Everyone tells me he’s a narcissist, but what if they’re wrong? What if I do bring this side out of him like he says? My worst fear is one day I’ll walk away and he’ll meet someone new and they’ll have the calm, happy life I have always longed for.
We have days like today where everything is perfect. He’s so lovely with our little boy (10 months for those asking), and seeing them together makes me somehow love him even more.
I just want to be the person he saw me as before. I’ve tried so hard to get back to that. My sister says I even speak differently, but I don’t know if that’s true. I make sure the house is tidy (as much as I can), I make sure if he’s up doing stuff that I’m busy too (he used to get annoyed if I was sat down while he was busy doing stuff), even down to if he’s walking behind me in the hallway I’ll stop to let him past so he isn’t stuck behind me incase I’m walking too slow. I know this is all wrong. Deep down somewhere inside me there’s a person longing to escape it all, but I love him more than I could put into words and I don’t know how to stop.
Then last year while I was pregnant, he had an affair. I found enough evidence to know with no doubt that it happened. He called my family and told them I was losing my mind and had his mum come and check on me.
Now I can’t afford to go back to work because nursery fees are extortionate, so he’s going to pay for me to stay at home. My own money was the only thing I had that was mine. He pays for literally everything else - car, phone, house, everything. And I’ll admit that I’m scared to give him that last bit of control, but I also haven’t got a lot of choice. I had my own car before - I made a point of getting one because every time I tried to walk out, I’d grab my keys and he’d laugh and say “I don’t know where you think you’re going with MY car?!” Or he’d say to pack my stuff and get out of HIS house. He still says that sometimes. And goes on and on about everything he does for me and our family financially.
I just need to know for my own sanity that it hasn’t been me all along. I sit and unpick every single argument and try and see what I could have said differently or done differently to make it change. I try not to talk about how I’m feeling or be as happy as I can be while he’s home, however I’m feeling. But what if that’s all in my head and I don’t need to do that? What if I’m painting him to be a monster because I’m looking for a problem that isn’t there? And then because that’s what I do all the time, I do one day leave when he was this amazing guy all along? Yes he’s treated me horribly in the past, but he’s right when he says I don’t have to worry about anything financially, and he works so hard to provide that, so maybe I am just really ungrateful. Our house is beautiful, we go on holidays every year and if our son needs anything, it’s taken care of instantly. And he’s so lovely with him.
For example, why aren’t I grateful? Why am I not elated that my partner is taking care of me so I can stay at home with our son? Why am I not so proud to be with a man that pays for my car, my phone and everything to do with the house? Why am I not happy about him paying for every holiday? He says nothing he does is good enough and I can totally see why he would come to that. WHY isn’t it enough for me? What is wrong with me that I need more than everything he gives me already?
I just can’t help but think maybe if I was different - I’m not the prettiest woman either and he is gorgeous (people say he looks like David Beckham for reference), he always smells amazing, dresses nice etc. I live in leggings and a sweatshirt. My hair is always a mess and I just can’t live up to the same standard as him however hard I try. And when I do try I just look odd and out of place. He’s a director of a business and I literally don’t know what I want to do and anything I try everyone tells me I’m doing great, but I can’t concentrate or keep anything going and so always, always fail. I used to feel amazing stood beside him, now I just feel like everyone’s wondering what someone like him is doing with someone like me. I wonder every single day. He cheated with his old boss - the CEO. So she’s wealthy, dresses nice, probably has a lovely home of her own, always has her hair/nails done etc. and she’s a lot older than me (he’s in his 40s) so probably smarter too considering her role as well.
Im just not good enough and never will be. I was once but I’m not that person anymore. I don’t even recognise myself to be honest. I don’t really know who I am. He’ll leave one day, he nearly did when my son was born before I confronted him about the affair. Then he quit his job, quickly found a new one (of course) and suddenly wanted to be around us again.
I just don’t think I’m enough in so many ways, and too much in others. And I want to be different so, so badly that it’s breaking my heart because whatever I try, I can’t seem to change 😢
Hi everyone,
Firstly, thank you all for taking the time to reply. I will try to cover as much as I can.
I definitely have him on a pedestal. I still see him the same way as the first day I met him. He completely consumes me to be completely honest, I have never loved anyone the way I love him and I don’t think I ever would again if we split up.
When we first got together it was like nothing I have ever known. I was the most amazing person, everything I did he was in awe of. He’d right poems, send flowers, shower me with gifts and tell me how much he loved me every moment he could. We’d have these insane rows over virtually nothing - mainly if he got jealous or I couldn’t see him as much as he wanted but he would always say it was because he loved me so much and if he didn’t care he wouldn’t react the way he did. Then everything would be amazing again. Then we moved in together a couple of years later. The gifts and flowers all stopped, poems were restricted to occasions and I was suddenly not amazing anymore. Everything I did or didn’t do annoyed him in some way and the insane rows were constant- the way I drove, walked, talked, dressed, kept the house… everything. He broke his own hand once punching a wall. Then messaged me from the hospital (he wouldn’t let me go with him) to say “not to worry” and “he hasn’t told them the truth about it all” like I was somehow at fault.
Fast forward to now and things have settled. We rarely row and when we do they aren’t explosive anymore. But my “version” of things is always twisted. To the point I’ve asked a friend to buy a voice recorder so I can record our arguments so I can hear what actually happened. Because as it stands now, I start the arguments. When in my head, he flies off the handle. But then he uses the fact that I’m hot headed (or used to be), “you know what you’re like”.
And I do know how I can be. Everyone tells me he’s a narcissist, but what if they’re wrong? What if I do bring this side out of him like he says? My worst fear is one day I’ll walk away and he’ll meet someone new and they’ll have the calm, happy life I have always longed for.
We have days like today where everything is perfect. He’s so lovely with our little boy (10 months for those asking), and seeing them together makes me somehow love him even more.
I just want to be the person he saw me as before. I’ve tried so hard to get back to that. My sister says I even speak differently, but I don’t know if that’s true. I make sure the house is tidy (as much as I can), I make sure if he’s up doing stuff that I’m busy too (he used to get annoyed if I was sat down while he was busy doing stuff), even down to if he’s walking behind me in the hallway I’ll stop to let him past so he isn’t stuck behind me incase I’m walking too slow. I know this is all wrong. Deep down somewhere inside me there’s a person longing to escape it all, but I love him more than I could put into words and I don’t know how to stop.
Then last year while I was pregnant, he had an affair. I found enough evidence to know with no doubt that it happened. He called my family and told them I was losing my mind and had his mum come and check on me.
Now I can’t afford to go back to work because nursery fees are extortionate, so he’s going to pay for me to stay at home. My own money was the only thing I had that was mine. He pays for literally everything else - car, phone, house, everything. And I’ll admit that I’m scared to give him that last bit of control, but I also haven’t got a lot of choice. I had my own car before - I made a point of getting one because every time I tried to walk out, I’d grab my keys and he’d laugh and say “I don’t know where you think you’re going with MY car?!” Or he’d say to pack my stuff and get out of HIS house. He still says that sometimes. And goes on and on about everything he does for me and our family financially.
I just need to know for my own sanity that it hasn’t been me all along. I sit and unpick every single argument and try and see what I could have said differently or done differently to make it change. I try not to talk about how I’m feeling or be as happy as I can be while he’s home, however I’m feeling. But what if that’s all in my head and I don’t need to do that? What if I’m painting him to be a monster because I’m looking for a problem that isn’t there? And then because that’s what I do all the time, I do one day leave when he was this amazing guy all along? Yes he’s treated me horribly in the past, but he’s right when he says I don’t have to worry about anything financially, and he works so hard to provide that, so maybe I am just really ungrateful. Our house is beautiful, we go on holidays every year and if our son needs anything, it’s taken care of instantly. And he’s so lovely with him.
For example, why aren’t I grateful? Why am I not elated that my partner is taking care of me so I can stay at home with our son? Why am I not so proud to be with a man that pays for my car, my phone and everything to do with the house? Why am I not happy about him paying for every holiday? He says nothing he does is good enough and I can totally see why he would come to that. WHY isn’t it enough for me? What is wrong with me that I need more than everything he gives me already?
I just can’t help but think maybe if I was different - I’m not the prettiest woman either and he is gorgeous (people say he looks like David Beckham for reference), he always smells amazing, dresses nice etc. I live in leggings and a sweatshirt. My hair is always a mess and I just can’t live up to the same standard as him however hard I try. And when I do try I just look odd and out of place. He’s a director of a business and I literally don’t know what I want to do and anything I try everyone tells me I’m doing great, but I can’t concentrate or keep anything going and so always, always fail. I used to feel amazing stood beside him, now I just feel like everyone’s wondering what someone like him is doing with someone like me. I wonder every single day. He cheated with his old boss - the CEO. So she’s wealthy, dresses nice, probably has a lovely home of her own, always has her hair/nails done etc. and she’s a lot older than me (he’s in his 40s) so probably smarter too considering her role as well.
Im just not good enough and never will be. I was once but I’m not that person anymore. I don’t even recognise myself to be honest. I don’t really know who I am. He’ll leave one day, he nearly did when my son was born before I confronted him about the affair. Then he quit his job, quickly found a new one (of course) and suddenly wanted to be around us again.
I just don’t think I’m enough in so many ways, and too much in others. And I want to be different so, so badly that it’s breaking my heart because whatever I try, I can’t seem to change 😢
Aweee bless you.
If I told you that your post was like reading my own story..wow ...oh my god...this man is my ex husband... nearly word for word.
All the lovely things like.....flowers....poems...making me feel like I was the most amazing thing ever blah blah.
23 years later, I look back, and i wonder what the hell I didn't see.
I know now, that I became a shadow of the person I was, I'd just let thing's go over my head....because if I actually voiced my opinion, and it was different from his, we would have a massive fight.
He had so many affairs , i knew then...and I know now..yet I chose to ignore them.
I could write a book, but I'm not going to give you any advice, because you know, when your ready, and that may be 1 year ...20 year...but you will hopefully walk away with a clear conscience and no regrets.
I don't regret my life with my husband and 2 girls.
I just think, it wasn't all bad and I now struggle alone with our 13 year old daughter, I always feared I'd never manage financially...but we do...I love my life now...I actually like having to cut back and count the pennies.
Its so different. but so much more satisfying.. because nobody can kick me out, or accuse me of being nasty, cos I'm not, or make me be a person I'm not.
1 day, I promise you, you will look back and giggle to yourself, I know that feels like a million miles from the truth now, but that day will come I can guarantee that.
You can't change who you are, but do you know what...you can rest in the knowledge that you are an amazing person.
I hope your story carries on like mine did.
I'm in the best place ever, on my own.
It will all be OK in the end.
I sincerely wish you the very best and your partner will never ever change ever...because they don't. Xx
So he basically love bombed you in the beginning, and now he has you, he’s showing his real self.
Not a good situation to be in, plus you’ll always be questioning yourself.
There’s no easy way out of this, you’re both not suited to each other, and that’s a fact.
