I need help with my 15 year old
9 answers /
Last post: 10/02/2024 at 11:41 pm
I don’t really know where to start other than I am a broken mum at the moment and I just have no idea what to do any more.
My 15 year old son lies (all the time), steals, manipulates and deceives. We have had ongoing problems for a long time and I have done absolutely everything I can think of. He has stolen money from me, my partner and my other son, multiple times. He has stolen from shops. I have had no choice but to contact the police because nothing I was doing deterred him, he was cautioned and warned he would be prosecuted next time. He has still stolen from me. He lies all the time. I have had so many conversations with him, I have yelled, shouted, grounded him, taken everything away, I have done tough love and I have done days out, bonding things, making lists for goals to achieve that week. I have involved school and he has a youth worker for help. I have tried so many things to get him to stop his behaviours. He does struggle socially and hasn’t had easy teenage years but his behaviour is unacceptable. Our relationship has completely broken down, as has his with my partners and my other son. I’ve been that unwell that I’ve been off work because I have struggled to cope. He has done so many things. I follow through with my threats so he knows I mean it but he also knows that he has a loving home. He’s a very smart boy with so much potential but he’s going to ruin it all and has been warned he faces expulsion. He is waiting for some counselling to see if that helps, but ultimately I can’t keep living like this. Nothing in my house is safe, he can not be trusted at all and I don’t know what to do. I love my son more than anything in the world but it is massively impacting me and everything else and it can’t go on like this. I need some advice, I have honestly done everything and I am worried sick for his future, I am heart broken at the situation, I miss my son and I want the best for him but he is making me ill. I have explored why he steals, we have done work around friends etc. i am a mum at her wits end and I have another son I have to think about who is only 10 and my long term partner. We are all struggling. I’ve tried to get him to focus and engage in his passions. I’m just fighting a losing battle and I feel like it’s going to come to a point where he no longer lives with me and it breaks my heart to even think about that but if things don’t change, I don’t see another way. If anyone can offer some support, advice or words of encouragement, I’d much appreciate it.
i just want my son back x
Hi Joy18,
We've moved your thread into our drop-in clinic child mental health, so you can get the advice and support you need
Hi Joy
I'm Catherine, one of the Parent Supporters at Netmums. Thanks for sharing with us - Sorry to hear how tough things have been. You've told us about your 15 year old son and his behaviour. It sounds like you have tried really hard to implement boundaries and consequences but it hasn't changed his behaviour and this is impacting on you all. Joy, I can hear how much you love him. You are worried about him and also your younger son. Other than the police Joy, have you any other professional support? Are social services or CAMHS involved? Would you consider these? You can refer your son to CAMHS via the GP if you think it would be helpful. You might also find the Young Minds website and helpline helpful: Challenging Behaviour | Parents' Guide To Support | YoungMinds
In the meantime, it's important you look after yourself. Do try and make sure you are getting some time to yourself doing something you enjoy. Do you have good support from family and friends?
Hopefully some of our Netmums community will be along soon to offer support but do come back to us, if you would like to chat some more, we are here to listen.
Catherine
Engage him in the decision making let him choose. Give him some spending money. By fighting you will not get anywhere and as he gets older you might lose the relationship you have. Be the example you want in him. Sometimes the change has to come from the parents change your mindset, relax it will all work out. Be his rock if not today or tomorrow one day he will realize it and you will be his role model. Good luck.
I used to work with a youth justice programme called Plus One. I know they are UK wide now, and would highly recommend getting involved with them. Your son needs help that perhaps you and your partner are not the best people to give that help. It's a mentoring programme and there are some very well equipped mentors that could help him.
Dear Joy,
I am so so sorry for you. I am a mummy of a 6 year old who, quite frankly, used to abuse me. When he was 2-4 he bit me, hit me, swore at me and treated me like *^%#.
I have mental health problems. Anxiety, depression, and Emotianally Unstable Personality Disorder (EUPD).
I have experienced a very traumatic 6 years, but with the amazing support of the NHS Mental Health Services, I and my family are leading a more stable ( not always) life.
my point is, it sounds like your son is behaving in this way because he is yet to be diagnosed and subsequently lacking the right support and guidance from the professionals-and I include support for your family. It’s not clear from your message if this has been explored, but I would urge you to consider it, even if you have already explored this. I am a Holistic Therapist, and have much experience about people. There is always a reason for someone’s behaviour, you just need to work out what, and why, and then you can adapt accordingly. Please note, my only experience of kids is my own son!!! I’m better with adults…. I hope this helps…
sending huge supportive hugs
xx
Engage him in the decision making let him choose. Give him some spending money. By fighting you will not get anywhere and as he gets older you might lose the relationship you have. Be the example you want in him. Sometimes the change has to come from the parents change your mindset, relax it will all work out. Be his rock if not today or tomorrow one day he will realize it and you will be his role model. Good luck.
Thank you for your message.
I used to give him spending money, he spends this on vapes and has bought cannabis in the past, so I no longer give him spending money as I refuse to enable this.
He is on the verge of being expelled from school and prosecuted by the police so it’s very difficult to relax and trust that this process will work out when things have gotten worse and not better despite me trying multiple ways.
I used to work with a youth justice programme called Plus One. I know they are UK wide now, and would highly recommend getting involved with them. Your son needs help that perhaps you and your partner are not the best people to give that help. It's a mentoring programme and there are some very well equipped mentors that could help him.
Hi,
Thank you for your message,
He already has a youth worker that’s from youth justice system involved that provides mentoring as such, 1:1 and group activities! Thank you though!
Dear Joy,
I am so so sorry for you. I am a mummy of a 6 year old who, quite frankly, used to abuse me. When he was 2-4 he bit me, hit me, swore at me and treated me like *^%#.
I have mental health problems. Anxiety, depression, and Emotianally Unstable Personality Disorder (EUPD).
I have experienced a very traumatic 6 years, but with the amazing support of the NHS Mental Health Services, I and my family are leading a more stable ( not always) life.
my point is, it sounds like your son is behaving in this way because he is yet to be diagnosed and subsequently lacking the right support and guidance from the professionals-and I include support for your family. It’s not clear from your message if this has been explored, but I would urge you to consider it, even if you have already explored this. I am a Holistic Therapist, and have much experience about people. There is always a reason for someone’s behaviour, you just need to work out what, and why, and then you can adapt accordingly. Please note, my only experience of kids is my own son!!! I’m better with adults…. I hope this helps…
sending huge supportive hugs
xx
Thank you for your message,
I’m sorry to hear you have also been experiencing a difficult time.
My son already has an existing diagnosis of autism. We have professionals involved also. So I’m really struggling with what else to do to change his behaviour, he never had any behavioural issues up until high school and it’s become really bad at present despite everything I have or haven’t done to try and improve things and help him. I have done so much to try and get to the root cause of things to try and help and support my son but ultimately the world will not adapt how it will treat him, he’s on the verge of being prosecuted which will limit his opportunities in life. He will struggle to get into college/universities in the chosen subject he wants as a result and he will not be able to adapt to an apprenticeship (we have been through this with him). It’s so hard at the moment as you feel like you have failed as a parent and the worry is unbelievable
