Struggling to socialise with MIL
27 answers /
Last post: 25/02/2024 at 6:34 pm
Hi there š
Sorry for the long post!
I've always maintained a close relationship with my MIL since we met and she's been very good to me so far but recently she's made some insensitive comments about my ttc journey knowing hard it's been for both of us.
The first time she started overstepping was about our home and how we decided to rent. She keeps saying we need to get a mortgage when we aren't ready for it yet. We have explained many times why we don't want that at the moment even though we don't owe anyone any explanations about the decisions we make together as a couple. That was the first time I started feeling annoyed with her but I still continued to maintained the bond we had.
We've had a miscarriage and a few chemicals and are actively trying to conceive with the help of a fertility specialist. All our results are normal so we were told it's inconclusive and called it unexplained infertility. We were told we'd just have to keep trying until it happens and their first choice of treatment was letrozole which I'm on at the moment. Since I have known her for years and think of her as my own mum I share things with her and she does too. I never thought mentioning the miscarriage and fertility situation would become an issue for me later on.
Right after the miscarriage she said to me that "it wasn't the right time" and that "there will be other times" and that "it was too early". It stung I won't lie but I still let it slide. And when we got referred to the fertility clinic she started saying it was too soon and perhaps I should wait. I told her even then very politely the decision has been made and I let it slide again. But recently I've noticed she has this habit of bringing things up repeatedly even though it doesn't affect her in anyway. And as she is saying these things she'd say "I'm probably overstepping" knowing perfectly well she is. Maybe it's my fault as I'm the one who let her get so close.
Few days ago she decided to bring up the fertility topic again which has really upset me. She just straight up told me I should stop trying and that it's not the right time and that I'm only 30 and I could try later and that she had kids when she was well into her 30s and that she was fine. She knows just how long we had to wait to get an appointment at the fertility clinic but I decided to remind her anyway. I asked her if she has considered how we'd lose our spot at the clinic if we quit and she said she knows but it's not the right time for us so we should stop and try later once we have a mortgage. She actually said our house was too small for a child even though it's a 3 bed house. I ended the conversation politely by saying it's my body and I don't want to wait and we don't know how long it's going to take for us to conceive.
It all just left me speechless and needless to say I've lost respect for her. I think I'm beginning to regret having a close bond with her now. We see each other every week and it's been our routine for ages now. But after the things she said i feel like running in the other direction. She lives near by and knows my routine so idk how to make excuses to not see her but when she's with me I struggle to look at her now. I'm getting put off by just how much she doesn't want us to have a baby. I'm not religious or superstitious and I know this sounds really stupid but I feel like maybe she's jinxing it.
Idk how to deal with her anymore. Any advice or suggestions are welco me.
Thank you āØ
Hi Julie
Iām Lauren one of the parent supporters here on Netmums. Iām sorry to read about your fertility difficulties, it can be a very difficult place to be in.
You have confided in your mother in law and it seems she is over stepping the boundary around both your decisions about housing and about fertility. It is a challenging boundary to hold especially once it has been passed as such.
What does your husband think about it? Would he be helpful in having a word with her about appropriate boundaries in this?
I wonder if sheās not sure how to deal with it all herself and sometimes that comes out in this way. Often people can accept the negative of a situation and over focus on the positives - like you donāt need to be having children yet comments rather than accepting the journey you are on.
Do you feel you could have an open conversation with her to put down some boundaries?
Hopefully some others will come along and share their experiences and suggestions with you
To be honest it doesn't sound like she's said anything that generation wouldn't. Traditionally they got married, bought a house then raised kids. I always had it drilled in that renting was money down the drain etc etc. I'm not saying she's right but I think she means well but has values from her era.
The best way to preserve your sanity is to limit contact and ignore what she says. When I had a beautiful little baby girl the first time my MIL said to me was ānever mindā She wanted a grandson.
Good luck having a beautiful baby yourself xxxx
Having been someone who suffered infertility for over a decade and I wanted children at 30 and got them through ivf at 40 and 42.5 and I am now 52 with a 10 year old and 12 year old, I'd say do what you need to do to secure your children as soon as you can. You only have 1 time on this planet and you want to enjoy your children asap. And she surely wants to enjoy her grandchildren asap? You don't know how long your fertility journey will take. Mine was complicated with reluctant husband and his parents opinions, donor conception, a miscarriage at 16 weeks a failed frozen embryo attempt and depression setting in.
But my kids are my life. I love them more than anything and I still pinch myself everyday as to how lucky I am. It is my cure for years of longing and infertility. They could not be more cherished.
I don't want to be morbid but it is very important.....
None of us know how long we have on this Earth and the longer your kids have you the better. And you might want to enjoy grandchilden of your own in the future.
I worry about my health all the time now in my 50s. My kids' grandparents apart from one, all dead. I have other friends with kids similar ages from baby group who were also older parents. One battling incurable breast cancer for last 10 years, one dad died of diabetes/sepsis complications and another younger mum had breast cancer too...out of 8 of mums in a group.
Take no notice of her telling you to wait. you haven't got time to wait. Get on with it and chase every appointment. You will regret it if you don't. Do what YOU want to do and prioritise YOUR goals in life.
I did a mind body course during my fertility treatment and it was the best thing to eliminate negative narrative and bring in positive thinking. Look into it. It really makes a difference to happiness and focussing on achieving what you want.
I think your MIL is just voicing her concerns re you starting a family, but not having your own home yet. She feels able to do this because you have invited her into your confidence and she is using that to say the things she does. It is probably a generational thing as someone else has said, we did it differently. Married, house, then kids. We see renting as throwing money down the drain, and I for one always encouraged my children to buy, rather than rent, when they were able to. Please tell her your concerns and ask her not to comment on your fertility issues as it upsets you. I'm sure she doesn't want to do that really deep down. Good luck going forward.
To be honest she isnāt wrong. Especially going down the route of a fertility specialist. Iām under one also, so no judgement. Iām nearly 32. Been under them since I was 28. However I think itās just a generation thing. Even my mum always went on about setting a good foundation before having a family, as life is just harder when a baby comes along. Just tell her less, donāt engage in conversation about it, and if she asks just say you have no appointments. Conversation over. Mums just want the best for us, and have our best interests are heart. Like you Iāve had a few MC and chemical pregnancies, and also felt my mum didnāt support me. She would say the same things, it wasnāt the right time, etc etc which hurt badly. That being said, I lost my mum last year very suddenly, and trust me life is too short to sweat the small stuff. As when the times comes for us Iāll no longer get to share that blessing with my mum. Limit the info you tell her, until you have some good news to share. Fertility treatment is exhausting and draining. It comes with severe worry, things not going to plan, so if your MIL is irritating you now and your only at the beginning save yourself the hassle, and keep your treatments private. As I truly believe it isnāt something anybody can understand fully, or empathise with unless they have gone through it themselves. Things will get harder before they get easier so brace yourself. Going through something like this isnāt for the faint hearted. It comes with many trials and tribulations. Good luck.
Hi Julie, so sorry to hear about your miscarriage and fertility difficulties. I think your MIL has been rather insensitive. I also think she's wrong on this occasion to discourage you to wait. I mean, does she think having a mortgage will somehow improve your chances!? No. Your options with regards to fertility will only reduce the longer you wait. And whilst I don't think there's any cause for alarm at age 30, you are right to address this now. Just because your MIL had children well into her 30s (I did too btw), doesn't mean others can so easily.
I have had close relationships with both my mother and MIL over the years. My MIL is actually the more thoughtful and tactful one. But even the most tactful people can slip up and sometimes say the wrong thing. Although it can hurt, overall I know that her heart is in the right place. My mother has always had old fashioned views and I've had to learn to keep certain things to myself or politely shut the conversation down if I feel we are veering towards dangerous ground.
It would be a shame to lose the close relationship with your MIL. But I think now may be the time to start setting some boundaries to help you deal with what could be a long and stressful road ahead. Maybe see her slightly less and make it clear that certain topics e.g. your house buying plans and fertility treatment are off limits.
The other option is to maybe develop a slightly thicker skin? Listening to the opinions of others or occasionally having your views challenged by others is no bad thing. Particularly from people, who at the end of the day, love you and want the best for you. You are always free to disagree and voice that.
Hope that helps and wishing you all the best x
Hi Julie
Iām Lauren one of the parent supporters here on Netmums. Iām sorry to read about your fertility difficulties, it can be a very difficult place to be in.
You have confided in your mother in law and it seems she is over stepping the boundary around both your decisions about housing and about fertility. It is a challenging boundary to hold especially once it has been passed as such.
What does your husband think about it? Would he be helpful in having a word with her about appropriate boundaries in this?
I wonder if sheās not sure how to deal with it all herself and sometimes that comes out in this way. Often people can accept the negative of a situation and over focus on the positives - like you donāt need to be having children yet comments rather than accepting the journey you are on.
Do you feel you could have an open conversation with her to put down some boundaries?
Hopefully some others will come along and share their experiences and suggestions with you
Thank you for your comment. My husband is pretty awkward about these things and tends to avoid difficult conversations which leaves it entirely on me. I'm hoping it just goes away you know xx
To be honest it doesn't sound like she's said anything that generation wouldn't. Traditionally they got married, bought a house then raised kids. I always had it drilled in that renting was money down the drain etc etc. I'm not saying she's right but I think she means well but has values from her era.
Yes completely agree what she is saying about renting but we can't just buy a house we don't want and we've explained it before. We are saving up to buy our dream home. Tbh I'm not as bothered about this mortgage talk. It bothers me when she tells me to quit trying to conceive knowing I have underlying issues which are preventing me from conceiving. It could take years for all we know and she is aware too yet she's telling me to quit as if it'll just happen immediately when I try later xx
The best way to preserve your sanity is to limit contact and ignore what she says. When I had a beautiful little baby girl the first time my MIL said to me was ānever mindā She wanted a grandson.
Good luck having a beautiful baby yourself xxxx
I'm so sorry you had to go through that. People like that don't deserve kids or grandkids xx
Having been someone who suffered infertility for over a decade and I wanted children at 30 and got them through ivf at 40 and 42.5 and I am now 52 with a 10 year old and 12 year old, I'd say do what you need to do to secure your children as soon as you can. You only have 1 time on this planet and you want to enjoy your children asap. And she surely wants to enjoy her grandchildren asap? You don't know how long your fertility journey will take. Mine was complicated with reluctant husband and his parents opinions, donor conception, a miscarriage at 16 weeks a failed frozen embryo attempt and depression setting in.
But my kids are my life. I love them more than anything and I still pinch myself everyday as to how lucky I am. It is my cure for years of longing and infertility. They could not be more cherished.
I don't want to be morbid but it is very important.....
None of us know how long we have on this Earth and the longer your kids have you the better. And you might want to enjoy grandchilden of your own in the future.
I worry about my health all the time now in my 50s. My kids' grandparents apart from one, all dead. I have other friends with kids similar ages from baby group who were also older parents. One battling incurable breast cancer for last 10 years, one dad died of diabetes/sepsis complications and another younger mum had breast cancer too...out of 8 of mums in a group.
Take no notice of her telling you to wait. you haven't got time to wait. Get on with it and chase every appointment. You will regret it if you don't. Do what YOU want to do and prioritise YOUR goals in life.
I did a mind body course during my fertility treatment and it was the best thing to eliminate negative narrative and bring in positive thinking. Look into it. It really makes a difference to happiness and focussing on achieving what you want.
Thank you for this. I feel like you actually heard me. This is exactly what I'm feeling. Nobody knows how long it's going to take for me to conceive and that's why it bothers me when she asks me to quit the treatment. We don't even know what the issue is and it's been 2 yrs. You are absolutely right. I should stop absorbing these negative thoughts and detach myself from opinions. Thank you again xx
I think your MIL is just voicing her concerns re you starting a family, but not having your own home yet. She feels able to do this because you have invited her into your confidence and she is using that to say the things she does. It is probably a generational thing as someone else has said, we did it differently. Married, house, then kids. We see renting as throwing money down the drain, and I for one always encouraged my children to buy, rather than rent, when they were able to. Please tell her your concerns and ask her not to comment on your fertility issues as it upsets you. I'm sure she doesn't want to do that really deep down. Good luck going forward.
I completely agree that rent is a waste of money but we aren't ready to buy a house of our choice yet so we are saving. We can't buy something we don't like. I can handle the mortgage talk but I feel hurt when she asks me to quit my treatment knowing I have underlying issues preventing from getting pregnant. We don't even know how long it'll take for me to actually be able to carry a baby to full term xx
To be honest she isnāt wrong. Especially going down the route of a fertility specialist. Iām under one also, so no judgement. Iām nearly 32. Been under them since I was 28. However I think itās just a generation thing. Even my mum always went on about setting a good foundation before having a family, as life is just harder when a baby comes along. Just tell her less, donāt engage in conversation about it, and if she asks just say you have no appointments. Conversation over. Mums just want the best for us, and have our best interests are heart. Like you Iāve had a few MC and chemical pregnancies, and also felt my mum didnāt support me. She would say the same things, it wasnāt the right time, etc etc which hurt badly. That being said, I lost my mum last year very suddenly, and trust me life is too short to sweat the small stuff. As when the times comes for us Iāll no longer get to share that blessing with my mum. Limit the info you tell her, until you have some good news to share. Fertility treatment is exhausting and draining. It comes with severe worry, things not going to plan, so if your MIL is irritating you now and your only at the beginning save yourself the hassle, and keep your treatments private. As I truly believe it isnāt something anybody can understand fully, or empathise with unless they have gone through it themselves. Things will get harder before they get easier so brace yourself. Going through something like this isnāt for the faint hearted. It comes with many trials and tribulations. Good luck.
Yes you are right I regret sharing anything at all now. It is a generational thing yes and believe me I get that. It just upsets me when she asks me to quit my treatment knowing I have underlying issues preventing me from getting pregnant. I will really work on keeping things private. Anything I shared before she uses to ask questions. Hopefully it gets better xx
Hi Julie, so sorry to hear about your miscarriage and fertility difficulties. I think your MIL has been rather insensitive. I also think she's wrong on this occasion to discourage you to wait. I mean, does she think having a mortgage will somehow improve your chances!? No. Your options with regards to fertility will only reduce the longer you wait. And whilst I don't think there's any cause for alarm at age 30, you are right to address this now. Just because your MIL had children well into her 30s (I did too btw), doesn't mean others can so easily.
I have had close relationships with both my mother and MIL over the years. My MIL is actually the more thoughtful and tactful one. But even the most tactful people can slip up and sometimes say the wrong thing. Although it can hurt, overall I know that her heart is in the right place. My mother has always had old fashioned views and I've had to learn to keep certain things to myself or politely shut the conversation down if I feel we are veering towards dangerous ground.
It would be a shame to lose the close relationship with your MIL. But I think now may be the time to start setting some boundaries to help you deal with what could be a long and stressful road ahead. Maybe see her slightly less and make it clear that certain topics e.g. your house buying plans and fertility treatment are off limits.
The other option is to maybe develop a slightly thicker skin? Listening to the opinions of others or occasionally having your views challenged by others is no bad thing. Particularly from people, who at the end of the day, love you and want the best for you. You are always free to disagree and voice that.
Hope that helps and wishing you all the best x
Thank you for your comment. I also feel I shouldn't delay fertility treatments because the longer I avoid it the longer it'll take to figure out the problem and treat it. I'm going to work on boundaries and detaching myself. This has been an opening experience and the sooner I do it the better I think. It's not occasionally slipping up that bothers me. It's repeatedly pushing it that gets on my nerves xx
