Part time husband
10 answers /
Last post: 26/02/2024 at 10:00 am
As the group name suggests I want to know genuinely, if I am being unreasonable.
I work 4 days a week as does my husband however he works away so leaves on a Monday morning and comes back on a Thursday around 7pm. We have a 6 year old and 2.5 year old and I am really struggling with feeling overwhelmed. Recently his son who is in his early 20s and who has mental health and addiction issues has moved in too so we have had to squeeze the little ones in to one room we just don’t have much space and it just feel like too.
my husband recently found out his mate comes to a scout hut near us on a Friday and happened so say he would meet him for the couple hours he would normally be sat in a car.l in the local pub. Anyway it seems to have turned into a weekly boys night out and he cannot see why I feel him going every Friday is not fair. I said if he has to go can he not go on our schedule not his mates otherwise it’s another evening he can’t help with or put the children to bed. When I got emotional about it last week he said he will put them to bed when he is back each week and then today islets like he totally forgot about it and couldnt believe I was saying he couldn’t go. I never actually said he couldn’t but I wished he would see that going every week is not great for me.
He also said something to me this morning which quite frankly I was ready to file the papers. He bought the business he has worked for for many years last August. It was a stressful purchase but at no point did I not support him and even told if it was too much he should walk away. But today he had to balls to say that now he is MD he needs his pub visits to relax after a busy week. I literally carry the mental load of 2 MDs with my job, family demands and the house work how dare he say he deserves that and that I should understand. Am I really being a cow about this?
im so upset and feel belittled and like what I do doesn’t count. I work hard he even told me I work too hard for them and my wage isn’t negligible so I simply don’t understand why his needs tower above mine.
my friends say they would go crazy but they are my friends. I need opinions of others!
Your friends are right. Everything seems to be your responsibility. Everything about this is unfair. If it was me I'd have lost it by now. As if you managing 2 little kids and a home and a job wasn't enough he's added his older child to the equation too. I sympathise with the stepson situation but honestly he's so absent in this relationship so he has no right to add more to your plate. You have coped very well and I'm sure you can keep doing this but ask yourself. Is it really worth it? Your kids need a happy mum. You deserve better than this. You should leave. I wish you all the best xx
You ANBU, he is.
Hes selfish, and not a good husband/dad.
Ask him if he still wants to be a family, or would he prefer his nights out over family time. I’d be fuming about it too, he’s picking his friend over his family. I’d be giving him an ultimatum, especially as this is a weekly occurrence, rather than a one off.
Maybe he should try inviting his friend over for a drink, rather than sitting in the pub.
Hi Caroline,
I gotta sock it to you sister.
You BOTH deserve and NEED down time with friends and without the kids hanging off you.
aside from the need for him to appreciate you - which is a whole different and very common situation - you need to give him time and take your own time out.
i know it’s relentless and exhausting. Your kids are still young, but they’ll both be at school soon enough and things will ease up more and more. It’s not worth a divorce, but defo you need to find a way to show him that you ALSO need time out.
many mums, don’t get help with child responsibilities ever, it’s not right, but incredibly common.
count your blessings, get your girls out on a Saturday, put on some heels and lippy, and go and have a giggle 🤭 x
File the papers. What a pig. I cannot articulate my disgust.
You are amazing. I don’t know how you do it. And for every other woman carrying all the mental load without thanks, recognition or appreciation, my respect and admiration.
This is unacceptable and you should not have to ask if you are being unreasonable. The answer is blindingly obvious. A family is about partnership, about supporting each other and working together for a happy unit - each bearing the load when needed.
Sadly, he has the audacity because society props this bull**** up so we doubt ourselves and think this is our lot. You know you deserve better and so do your children. You are the MD of that house including his adult son, as well as your other job. Where’s your respite?
Your friends are right, lovely. You will burn out in this unsustainable situation. Please get some support - from family, from friends. Leave him with the kids one weekend while you go away. Maybe he would feel differently when he realises he might have the kids all on his own every weekend, if you file the papers….??? Xxx
I cant really comment on your husband as I don't know how stressful his job is for him to feel he needs free time to himself when he isn't working but if his adult son has addiction issues then be cautious who knows he is living with you. One phone call to social services and you could have months of meetings to prove your home is safe for the children.
You need to find something to do on a Saturday night . He has his Friday night af
You need to find something to do on a Saturday night. He can have his Friday night after a long week , you have the following night . Don't prepare anything for him for the kids , let him sort dinner and bath & bedtime . Don't change your plans on Saturday nights , even if it's a class or going to a friends house . You need your time to unwind. Show him what it's like to carry the load of the house even if it's for 1 night .
No you are not being unreasonable.
He is away Mon-Thurs and most of us know that working is a break from the kids, so when he is back he needs to start pulling his weight. For example, if he has an hour whilst waiting for the kids, why isn't he doing the food shop instead of going to the pub (and why is he drinking when he has to drive his kids home?)
If he is an "MD" then he must be earning an "MD salary" (note that this is sarcasm). Therefore, he can afford to rent a place for his adult son until he sorts out his issues and can pay his own rent. It's not fair for this boy and his issues to be put upon you when he is not there half the time.
If your wage really is negligible, then why hasn't he suggested you be a SAHM? All he needs to do is pay all the bills, pay for your car (after all you'll be taking the kids to great places all week and school), money for groceries, money for clothes for yourself and the kids, money for all the activities that they are doing, money for school trips, school Dinners etc. And you'll need a weekly allowance as well as you won't have any disposable income say if you wanted to get your hair done and stuff. Has he ever considered that?
I think you should sit down and have a frank discussion with him. You are already a single parent most of the time, so if you were to separate, you aren't going to see any difference in the way things are working now. I would put it to him that way. Then I'd go out for the whole day with a friend to a spa, leaving him with the kids and time to think it over.
I can only add to what others have already said. This is extemely unfair on you, he should be supporting you much more with the children. I'm not sure why his 20 year old has to live with you, that is a huge burden that I'm sure you could do without? Where is his mother in this scenario? I would sit him down and calmly tell him that if he doesn't do more to help you will leave him with all the children to look after on his own! You won't of course, but maybe just the threat will bring him to his senses. If that doesn't work then you have to be seriously considering your options.
