Is this control?

I wouldn't say control. Partners do smack the bums it's flirting. As for moaning about friends round he needs to shutup its not just his house just give him pre warning so and so is here tonight if you don't like it go somewhere else. Kids are kids and can eat and do what they want and eat sweets . They are kids sounds like he's miserable tell him go somewhere else if he had a problem

I disagree somewhat with the previous poster.

This is controlling behaviour. The fact that you walk on eggshells, even slightly, is a red flag.

This man is deliberately making you and your children unhappy. he's doing his best to discourage you from having friends and family over. He's emotionally abusing your children.

You'd be much better off without him in your life.

Hi Sissy113,

We've moved your thread into our drop-in clinic unhealthy relationships, so you can get the advice and support you need

Hi Sissy113,

I'm Loraine, one of the Netmums' Parent Supporters.

Thank you for posting your circumstances so honestly on here and well done for reaching out for support.

I'm sorry things are so tough at home right now and from what you've described, it's hardly surprising that you're feeling so 'drained and fed up'.

Sometimes when you're in the middle of something, it helps to have your words reflected back at you.

You said: 'he will like smack my bum constantly and I’ll say “stop it’s annoying” and he will say well your asking for it to be smacked with leggings on and a tshirt pulled up you clearly want your ***** on show!

'I can’t just let my kids bring friends home from school for tea as don’t know if he will secretly be annoyed cos he’s tired from work, if I invite my sister and her bf round at weekend for food he will have little digs and sulk because her child is a bit hyper and naughty so that annoys him so I constantly feel on edge'

' Tonight is the final straw he told my daughter off and made her really upset he does raise his voice and doesn’t like to think the kids are “taking the mick out of him”

Sissy113 you asked 'Is this control' and the simple answer is yes and it's completely unacceptable behaviour in a loving and respectful relationship. What would you say to a close friend that told you this was happening in their relationship. Have you considered what exactly you would miss if this relationship was to end?

You're at the very start of realising that this relationship isn't healthy Sissy113 and you and your children deserve so much better.

There is a wonderful organisation called Women's Aid who support women every day in similar situations to what you've described here. They have a Live Chat service where you can speak in confidence with a trained support worker who will listen, understand and talk you through all of the options open to you if you decide to end this relationship. Only you can make the decision Sissy113, but at least you will be informed with all of the information you need around finance, housing, contact arrangements etc. You can find out more here: Live Chat | Women's Aid Live Chat

We also have a parent supporter here at Netmums who works for Women's Aid, so I'll ask her to drop by and offer any advice she may have.

I hope some of this helps, but come back and let us know how things are and we'll try to support you in any way we can.

Loraine x

thank you x

I agree with Kirk it is absolutely controlling behaviour and he seems a bit insecure with his comments about what you’re wearing etc. You should not be walking on eggs shells at all ever in your relationship. You are suppressing so much of your emotions in order to keep the peace with him and it does become draining after a while.

I think you should arrange for someone to hv your kids and sit him down and tell him how you have been feeling and how what he does and says makes you feel. I know there’s a good chance he won’t listen or he may not even take on what you’re saying but at least you are trying. Maybe cook a candle light dinner or something and set the scene so that he doesn’t feel attacked. It’s just a nice vibe and you two talk. Give it a few weeks to see if he changes anything. If nothing changes than maybe you can consider couples therapy. Good luck 🤞🏽

Having been in a relationship similar, I would be holding back from telling him exactly what I thought of his behaviour! No candle lit meals, no gentle words. The smacking of your bum is totally not acceptable, especially as you have told him to stop it.

he sounds obsessive over the diet but isn’t even following the rules himself.

No aspect of being in a relationship is worth putting up the nonsense you are having to deal with from him.

Hi Sissy113,

first of I wanted to address the bum smacking. It’s not flirting at all. No means no. You’ve said no so he should back off. Secondly, telling you what to wear is controlling and don’t even get me started on the comment ‘come here I’ve not finished talking to you’, who does he think he is! There’s no way I’d let my partner talk to me like that. This needs addressing as a minimum however I’d seriously consider my relationship going forward.

Thank you all for replying to me makes me feel less alone in the situation I am in!

So just a run down of my weekend with him …

If my kids are hurt of anything I can’t comfort them he says go away stop marding them. So I have to leave while he “toughens them up” he makes comments about a football coach at my son’s football like “don’t pretend you haven’t noticed him” I find it degrading and belittling that he even makes comments when I’ve never ever gave him reason too. He’s been abusive in the past he kicked me once and I left… stupidly went back.. then he was so drunk

once he punched me in the head… left for a year stupidly got back together.. I feel like I’m just existing in this life. I’m a sahm and feel like he’s got me by the b**ls .. I feel so lost and low but I really really don’t know what to do . ive Told him I’m going on a girls night out in April with my best friends.. he’s called all my friends, told me I’m a chav for wanting to go out with them . Why can’t I have a partner who says “good for you go and enjoy yourself” :( xx

Yea I agree we’ve been together on an off 12 years. I literally have lost count the amount of times I’ve sat down and wasted my breath told him how I felt, left him, stupidly got back together as her promised me the world and told me he’d change. Never does.

i feel like I say he “does everything and supports me as a sahm” but I think it’s more control as when I mention getting a job he gets defensive and says I don’t need to and it will be more stressful if I work due to childcare ect. X

Thanks for your reply. I have tried the talking; he’s promised me he will change lasts a few months then goes back to his ways. I think he is very very insecure; very narcissistic. I’ve read up about gaslighting he shows these signs. I’ve forgiven him for abusive behaviour took him back he blamed it on alcohol. It’s my own fault for going back. Deep down he’s a good person just very jealous / insecure and I can’t take anymore. Xx

Here's the thing. What does he bring to your life?

He doesn't make you happy, he doesn't make you feel loved and valued. He doesn't make you feel successful or beautiful. He's not a man who priorities his children. He's selfish and hypocritical and hypercritical.

It doesn't sound like you have much love left for him. It doesn't sound like he has much love left for you.

Why are you with him?

I would tell him you want to split up, then follow it through.

Posts like these always make me think of the Miley Sirus song 'I can love me better'. Would your life without him contain more or less love? Can you love yourself better than he can?

Run!!! He has more red flags than a carnival.

He sounds very much like my narcissistic ex partner. He would never stop my family coming over, but made the atmosphere so heavy and unwelcoming that they didn't want to come over.

He always found fault with my kids and it was always as if I had to defend my kids from him. Life was miserable and as you've said, like walking on eggshells.

What are you actually getting from this Relationship? Doesn't sound like there's anything positive to hold onto.

He's emotionally degrading you, he's emotionally bullying your kids and he sounds like a sex pest. Please, do yourself a huge favour and run

You know what you need to do and you know you're not happy.

You've mentioned you've left him twice and gone back why!!

Read your post back and pretend you've not written it what would your advice be.

He's abusive controlling and manipulating he's insecure and jealous.

You've no future with this loser but at the minute you're not strong enough to do anything about it as you're mentally drained.

Be strong and make the changes needed not just for you but for your kids.

Sorry if I sound harsh but you need a good push in the right direction. xx