My son wants to meet his Nana, but I'm not sure

Hi Sam,

We've moved your thread into our drop-in clinic unhealthy relationships, so you can get the advice and support you need

Hi Sam,

I'm Loraine, one of the Netmums' Parent Supporters.

Thank you for posting your circumstances so honestly on here and well done for reaching out for support.

I'm sorry things are so tough with your mum and family members - sending gentle hugs your way this afternoon.

It sounds like you've had a lot of childhood trauma and I'm wondering if you ever received any counselling to help you deal with the feelings you clearly still have? You said your mum and your family are seriously toxic, so perhaps if you chatted with your GP about how you're feeling, they could make a proper assessment and discuss counselling or therapy options with you - how does that sound?

You're also wondering whether you should contact your mum and you're also worried about her reaction - is that right? I understand why it's a tricky situation,given what you've described, but your son's safety and well being are paramount in any meetings you do or don't decide to have. eg. you will have to set some clear boundaries about smoking around him. Also, given your previous concerns, maybe meeting in a public place with you present, would be a better idea to see how things go? Maybe you could take a close friend along with you for moral support?

The NSPCC offer a service where you can speak with a trained counsellor if you're worried about a child. You could contact them via their helpline/email etc and just explain what your concerns are for your child if he does/doesn't get to meet your mum? They also offer support for adults who were traumatised in childhood, so you could also talk to them about your own personal situation - is that something that might help Sam? Here is the link: https://learning.nspcc.org.uk/services/nspcc-helpline

In any decision you make, your own well being and the safety of your son should be paramount, so please consider this carefully. Your GP and the NSPCC should be able to help you think through the implications.

Hopefully, some of our lovely netmums' community will drop by soon and share their experience and advice with you, but come back and let us know how things are and we'll try to support you in any way we can.

Loraine x

It's your job to keep him safe secure and happy if your family offer none of these traits then it's best not to let him see them. He will only get hurt in the end and its not fair.

Just explain in easy terms why it's not possible to see them.

We all have this image of big happy families and think our kids are missing out if they don't have that but why give him upset and trauma by trying to give him a loving extended family that isn't there

I personally wouldn't do it. He's still at a young impressionable age. I went through a lot at that age. And it affected my whole life. I wish I was kept away from the toxic people.

You know your family better than anyone. Do you want him to have a relationship and a potential toxic one at that.

He will understand when he's much older why you kept him away. Your job is to keep him safe and if that is going against what he wants then so be it. His safety is your priority.

Good luck

X

Absolutely no way would I allow this. Whether you believe you’re doing right by your son, you won’t be and you know that.

my reply would be “sorry son but this lady isn’t someone I want you to be around, there are adult reasons for this and I’ll explain a bit more when you’re older but I’m zero contact with her and I don’t intend on that changing as I need to protect you and your feelings”.

I was non contact with my GP, my son of course asked a few questions but they were squashed with a similar quote to above.

keep her out your life and his is my only advice 🙂

Do not do this . I'm talking from experience here , your mother hasn't changed or she would have reached out to you . I removed myself from similar situation 8 year ago now . The person causing all the arguments and tension then is still doing the same now . There has been no growth on their part . I hear this thru the grapevine . Protect your child , do not let her have this narrative that you came back to her . Just tell your boy the truth , that they aren't very nice people and you don't want him to be sad about things they might say or do to him . You would be inviting them all back into your life and expecting them to have changed , unless you know for sure that they have changed. Don't make contact with them

As others have advised - don’t allow it. The ONLY way to escape the hell and chaos the narcissist thrives on is to have ZERO contact. You know she will use this against you in the end and your son will be poisoned by her. Maybe you have some older female friends who would act like a surrogate granny to your son. He has no idea how bad it could get , you have to protect him, sounds dramatic but I speak through experience. He probably has an idealised idea of what a grandma should be - your mother isn’t it. You’ll have to fob him off and explain when he’s older sorry if I sound brutal.

Thank you. xx