Not really sure where to turn
4 answers /
Last post: 24/02/2024 at 2:52 pm
Hello.
This is probably a bit long.
I'm turning 40 soon, my DH is 42. Together, as a blended family we have several children and most of them are teens. Almost all of them have additional needs and some have mental ill health. Oldest is 18 this year and the youngest will be 10 this year.
We have alot on. That goes without saying before you add anything else in.
We live in a small, small house with 4 of the children (not all mine but most of mine) which he moved into with me in 2017, and we got married in 2021. His ex is often a pain. But isn't that often the case? She complains about money, complains about not getting a break, and complains about my children and me relentlessly.
Although I have to say she only has 2 of the children, and they all go on foreign holidays once a year and several UK campervan road trips, and the children she lives with have an abundance of clothing, shoes, more toys than they know what to do with, and she has enough money to drink out regularly. She uses my husbands mother for childcare when she chooses - and I mean childcare, because she coerces her to do school runs, cubs drop offs, private music lesson pick ups, and asks her for money for things like appliances! My husband has those children three times a week just no overnights as we dont physically have sleeping spaces for them, as his ex has always insisted they have their own bedroom or do not stay.
My ex is often a pain. He refuses to own a car (he can drive) so for a full year I was doing all the access arrangement related ferrying about, and he also doesn't pay much to support the kids.
One of my kids now lives with my ex - which happened 6 months ago, about a year after my husbands eldest also moved in with us. The stuff related to all of that has been incredibly stressful. The eldest of my husband kids was removed by SS due to emotional abuse so I've had no choice but to accept it. Because I have a good bond and understanding of DSS, I am mainly the go-to for MH support for him, which is hard. Yet I am continually pushed out by the ex which is hurtful. Especially now.
When my husbands kid moved in we had to give up our bedroom, so husband and I sleep in the living room. We get almost zero privacy. We basically sleep with all the pets so it's unsexy, unromantic, and usually interrupted by snack-seeking teenagers/teenagers arriving home etc etc etc. Since my teen moved out we technically have a bedroom space, but there's a massive issue with the wall that needs fixing, and our landlord can't get the work done until the end of March. But even then, it's my teens room and I sorta feel like I'm cementing the fact they won't be returning to live here which makes me feel sad.
If I'm honest with myself they are happier with their Dad as they get their needs better met being the sole focus but that also makes me feel like a lousy and incapable mother.
My Mother died recently and his Father died 2 years ago.
We don't have good finances due to the mix of responsibility and can't change that with any speed so are just struggling and so much more now since all the Cost of Living rubbish.
Everything just feels like a huge mess.
I am angry all the time. Inside. I barely enjoy anything. I'm definitely depressed. I feel this huge resentment towards my husband because of everything.
I've tried talking to him but we always end up arguing. He has huge anxiety and some health problems so I either feel guilty and just don't bring stuff up, or I end up yelling at him because he just justifies everything or makes excuses, or it's simply that neither of us can help whats happening, but we recently don't seem able to support each other either.
I can hear myself sometimes, just being totally unreasonable. It doesn't help me that he has friends and I don't. I used to have a close friend but she was super toxic and I had to cut her loose. And that's all I ever had. I have never made mum friends all that easily due to the additional needs factors of my kids and that, so I just don't have anyone. I'm also so out of practice that if people I know do try to extend friendship I rebuff it, afraid I'll overshare or be weird. Husband is constantly texting his best friend though, and laments the fact he doesn't have time to see everyone he would like to see. His job is around people though, whereas I'm currently not working due to what the kids need from me.
I don't really know what I'm looking for. A place to let it all out I think.
How do you guys get through difficult patches with your husbands? What helps?
Hi Margaret,
I'm Loraine, one of the Netmums' Parent Supporters.
I'm sorry things feel so tough right now - sending gentle hugs your way this morning.
So you've mentioned a multitude of issues in your post and it's no wonder you're feeling overpowered by it all - anyone would in your situation.
It sounds like there are a lot of things that are outside of your control, but your own mental health and well being can be supported with the the right treatment/counselling. Could you make an appointment with your GP to talk things through? If you get the right support in place, it could help you to think about things more clearly and hopefully feel less overwhelmed.
Another technique to try is to break things down into smaller chunks eg some people like to write everything down in a list of importance.eg. your mental health and well being, followed perhaps by your relationship with your DH, privacy, step children, ex partner etc and decide which 1or 2 issues you're going to focus on - does that make sense?
You said: 'Since my teen moved out we technically have a bedroom space, but there's a massive issue with the wall that needs fixing, and our landlord can't get the work done until the end of March. But even then, it's my teens room and I sorta feel like I'm cementing the fact they won't be returning to live here which makes me feel sad' - March isn't that far away Margaret and from what you've described here in terms of space, I'm afraid, keeping the room for your teen sounds like a highly emotional reaction even if it is an understandable one. It sounds like it might be a luxury you don't necessarily have at the moment.
In terms of your relationship, RELATE offer all sorts of advice on their website about how to improve things and they also offer individual and couples counselling - is that something you've considered? Here is the link: https://www.relate.org.uk/counselling
It's really important that you don't try to be everything to everyone Margaret, or inevitably you will burn out. All any of us can do as parents or partners is to be 'good enough', taking account of the circumstances we're in, so try not to be too hard on yourself.
The Parent Supporter team work in the Drop In Clinic every morning and evening, so if you wanted to continue to chat with us, you might want to start a new thread in there. Here is a link to the boards we respond to every day. Drop-In Clinic - Netmums Forum
I hope things start to improve soon.
Loraine x
Hi Margaret,
I'm Loraine, one of the Netmums' Parent Supporters.
I'm sorry things feel so tough right now - sending gentle hugs your way this morning.
So you've mentioned a multitude of issues in your post and it's no wonder you're feeling overpowered by it all - anyone would in your situation.
It sounds like there are a lot of things that are outside of your control, but your own mental health and well being can be supported with the the right treatment/counselling. Could you make an appointment with your GP to talk things through? If you get the right support in place, it could help you to think about things more clearly and hopefully feel less overwhelmed.
Another technique to try is to break things down into smaller chunks eg some people like to write everything down in a list of importance.eg. your mental health and well being, followed perhaps by your relationship with your DH, privacy, step children, ex partner etc and decide which 1or 2 issues you're going to focus on - does that make sense?
You said: 'Since my teen moved out we technically have a bedroom space, but there's a massive issue with the wall that needs fixing, and our landlord can't get the work done until the end of March. But even then, it's my teens room and I sorta feel like I'm cementing the fact they won't be returning to live here which makes me feel sad' - March isn't that far away Margaret and from what you've described here in terms of space, I'm afraid, keeping the room for your teen sounds like a highly emotional reaction even if it is an understandable one. It sounds like it might be a luxury you don't necessarily have at the moment.
In terms of your relationship, RELATE offer all sorts of advice on their website about how to improve things and they also offer individual and couples counselling - is that something you've considered? Here is the link: https://www.relate.org.uk/counselling
It's really important that you don't try to be everything to everyone Margaret, or inevitably you will burn out. All any of us can do as parents or partners is to be 'good enough', taking account of the circumstances we're in, so try not to be too hard on yourself.
The Parent Supporter team work in the Drop In Clinic every morning and evening, so if you wanted to continue to chat with us, you might want to start a new thread in there. Here is a link to the boards we respond to every day. Drop-In Clinic - Netmums Forum
I hope things start to improve soon.
Loraine x
Sending you hugs too! One step at a time, times can be really difficult but you will eventually be able to look back and say I made it through. Difficult to believe at the moment but it will come. X
To be honest it sounds like you’re stuck in a rut that you need out of.
Everyone’s relying on you for help or talking things through, probably constantly cleaning and tidying as well as cooking and any house work. You do sound like you need a break from it all, but finances doesn’t allow it. You sound like you’re drowning under everything and don’t see a way out.
I don’t really have any advice to be honest, other than to talk to your husband and tell him you need some help.
can you ask any of the older children to help around the house so it’s not all on you?
Will it be any better when the wall is fixed come March? Which will soon come around.
Can you get yourself some part time work? Or volunteer 2 days a week just to get you out?
Id also get your name down for some counseling, even if its months waiting, at least it will eventually come.
Do not feel bad because any of your children have had to go and live with their dad, at least you know you’ve done the best thing. If you’re feeling low, at least you’ve set them free to have some space, and if they’re happy, you’re happy, right?
Is there any way you can move to somewhere bigger? Or are the bedrooms big enough that you can put a temporary partition so the children can share a room?
