BBC Bitesize and Netmums Child Mental Health drop in session

Hi everyone

Welcome to the BBC Bitesize and Netmums Child Mental Health drop in session.

Cathy Parsley will be here between 7pm and 9pm on both Friday 21st April and Monday 24th April to answer any questions or queries you may have.

If you'd like to ask something, you don't have to wait until then as this thread is now live.

Please feel free to post anytime and it will be picked up once the sessions open.

Best wishes

Tracey

Netmums Health Visitor

I think my biggest question actually has to do with older kids.

What do I do when my tween or teen is rebelling and/or doing things I don't like?

I can't punish them like when they were young and taking away their phone is tricky because I rely on it to track where they are and keep track of their journey to and from school.

My query would be how to you deal with older teen peer group conflicts that have a knock on effect on child mental health. My teen wants to be able to sort out his stuff with his friends, but its so hard to not interfere when I see it upsetting him as much as it does. Was so much easier when they were little

My teenager is just going into GCSE's and is so stressed already! Literally one exam today and she is a wreck. Any tips on how I can get her to calm down before her next exam?

What can I do about my daughter's anxiety at bedtime? She worries about nightmares to the point I'm sure she's bringing them on and wakes two or three times a night still. She's 6 years old.

My sister has been having problems with my nephew not going to school lately. He's been coming up with all sorts of excuses like feeling ill or missing the bus. He's adamant that there's no bullying from anyone and school work doesn't seem to be a factor. He's also tired a lot, I'm sure he's not sleeping well.

I want her to take him to the doctors but she keeps saying he'll be fine, I'm really not so sure. He's 13.

Hi Cathy

Thank you for helping me solve something in my house. I have a 11 year old and 13 year old and we keep having fall outs over how much screen time they have. Its driving me nuts and I find it upsetting having this constant bicker with the kids! Is there any advice you can share with me that will back me up as I am sure they are on their devices for far too long each day.

Thank you

I'm an 18yo student feeling guilty as I'm neglecting my priorities (family and studies).

My screen time used to be limited but now I'm 18 my parents trust me to make responsible decisions but I'm not. I'm choosing video games and ignoring my parents and siblings. I feel like I'm fine but I'm also wasting my time stuck online it's basically a bad habit I can't shake. I don't want to disappoint others by distancing myself to play games but my grades aren't looking too well either.

Other than that, I feel fine but I've tried everything to shake this habit of being online constantly. Not really sure what to do, anyone else feel like this??

Hi Jennifer,

Yes, this is a super tricky situation, I understand where you are coming from completely. It’s so easy to feel disconnected from our children as they get older and their communication with us can really change. If their behaviours are potentially risky ones or if they are rebelling in a way that causes difficulties for them or others, it can be helpful to take a step back and look at the bigger picture.

Young Minds have a fantastic website and parents advice line if you ever feel that things are becoming quite overwhelming and you could use that expert advice around managing risky behaviours.

YoungMinds | Mental Health Charity For Children And Young People | YoungMinds

Some things to look out for when considering if extra support might be needed could be;

ongoing issues with friendship groups, are they still socialising, eating well, sleeping well? Are they taking care of themselves and their appearance? Have they completely pulled away from you and only interact when arguing? Have you noticed that they are buying items that they couldn’t usually afford or being gifted items from friends? Some of these can raise alarm bells for us as parents and it is ok to reach out and talk to someone for advice.

If you don’t have any of those worries and you feel that they are perhaps just trying to adjust to growing up and finding their identity and this is leading to some arguments and rebellious behaviours, opening up communication can be really helpful. Doing this at a time when everyone is calm and in the best frame of mind to talk is important. Setting out boundaries and expectations in a way that involves the whole family can be helpful, as it then feels like the family are working together as a team to keep a calm and happy environment. 

Phones can be really useful for keeping in touch with our children, but limiting internet time by using distractions can be a healthy change to everyone’s routine. The 5 ways to wellbeing ‘connect’, ‘take notice’, ‘be active’, ‘learn new skills’, ‘give to others, are great ways to pull together as a family and re-connect.

You can find out more about living to the 5 ways of wellbeing here 5 Ways to Wellbeing | Mind - Mind

It can also be helpful to ask a trusted family member to chat with your child, sometimes they are more responsive to others because they aren’t immediately involved in whatever is going on. It can give your child a chance to talk their thoughts and feelings through in a safe environment. Hopefully this can then diffuse conflict and calm the situation.

I hope that gives you some useful tips and ideas.

Cathy

Hi Natalie,

I totally agree with you, it is so difficult when all of your child’s life you have been the one to step in and resolve issues, but now your child is wanting to do this for themselves. 

It shows strength and resilience in your child and by making it clear to them that you are there for them if a situation becomes too overwhelming and they need some advice or help, they will know that they aren’t alone if the situation grows.

Sometimes, our children want to vent and need a place to let out their emotions and frustrations, but don’t necessarily need us to fix things for them. As a parent, your gut will tell you if something isn’t quite right - and if that happens, it is important to also look out for yourself and seek some advice for yourself too.

Young Minds has some great advice around taking care of yourself too Parents' Guide to Looking After Your Mental Health | YoungMinds

It could be helpful to offer your child some places that they can reach out for some support for themselves. The Mix is a free service for under 25’s The Mix - Essential support for under 25s They have lots of advice and support on their website, but also ways for young people to get in touch. 

There is also a fantastic text service ‘SHOUT’ that enables young people to text for support Shout - UK's 24/7 Crisis Text Service for Mental Health Support | Shout 85258 (giveusashout.org)

It sounds like you are such a caring and supportive mum, you are doing a great job x 

Cathy

Hi Nancy,

This is definitely on a lot of young people and parents’ minds right now with GCSE’s and A levels right around the corner!

Some anxiety is expected and normal. It can be quite healthy as it motivates us to perform and feel ready, but it sounds like your daughter is feeling completely overwhelmed right now.

We have some tips here on our site with regards to preparing for exams Top Tips To Help Beat GCSE Exam Stress - Netmums 

In the run up Nancy, it could be helpful to plan some little breaks from study with her to allow her to distract herself from the stress of studies and relax and have some fun. Perhaps that could be by ring fencing a couple of hours each weekend where you can both arrange to do something that she enjoys. This gives her a focus on point to help her get through each week.

It can also be helpful to practice visualising her exam going well. Some young people really like using guided imagery exercises. We have one here particularly for preparing for exams Guided Meditation To Help With Exam Stress - Netmums

Breathing exercises are also fantastic for calming nerves. There are lots to choose from but the NHS have some examples here that you could try together. Breathing exercises for stress - NHS (www.nhs.uk)

I hope that you find some useful tips there and wish her well with her exams.

Hi Gemma,

This must be really difficult for you and for her. I can imagine that as it approaches bed time,  you are both starting to feel anxious and this anxiety is likely to affect her sleep - and potentially yours too!

It could be helpful to talk to her during the day when she is feeling calm. She has been able to tell you that she is worried about these nightmares which is really positive as you have a good understanding of what is on her mind and why she is waking. Has she been able to remember those dreams and tell you about them?  If so, It could possibly be helpful to create a new ending with her - asking her how the dream should end in a positive way. Help her to take control of those dreams in any way that she can. For example, if she is dreaming of a monster - could she give the monster a silly name? 

Does she have a cuddly toy or something that she can use for comfort at those times when she wakes?

It can often be helpful to make a ‘worry box’ or something similar Gemma, so that together you can write down anything that she is anxious about and pop it in the box. Alongside that you could think of something together that makes her feel happy and safe, write that down and pop that under her pillow or next to her bed.

The NHS has some advice and tips around managing nightmares and distinguishing between nightmares and night terrors, as well as information on when to seek professional help and support.

Night terrors and nightmares - NHS (www.nhs.uk)

Thank you for your post!

Cathy

Hi Stephanie,

It sounds like a tricky situation for you as you can see that your nephew appears to be really struggling, but your sister doesn’t feel that the G.P is necessary at this point.

You have noticed that he is tired a lot, I wonder what his sleep routine looks like?

It could be helpful to give your sister some information around healthy sleep habits. The Teen Sleep Hub is a fantastic resource. It has advice and guidance for teenagers, but also for parents and carers too. They also have a helpline if your sister would like to speak to an expert for some advice around sleep Home - Teen Sleep Hub

I can hear that you have tried to talk to him about missing school, but he isn’t opening up. Is there a family member that he might feel able to talk to?

Your sister can contact the school and ask to speak to someone from the wellbeing/pastoral team if her son does feel that he needs some support in school. They may also be able to offer some advice and reassurance to your sister. Schools are often great at suggesting things, such as allowing students to come in a little later to avoid morning crowds or access school through a different door. Small changes can make a big difference. It all depends on what is going on for him. Lots of opportunities to communicate and gentle offers of support will hopefully help him feel able to open up to you.

Thank you for posting with us here,

Cathy

Hi NancyDrew,

Good question! It is so exhausting when you are dealing with the squabbles over shared toys and then also as children get older, video games and electronics! Lots of us are worried about the amount of time our children spend on video games, online and on social media and there isn’t a hard and fast rule around what is acceptable and safe.

Screen time can be useful and valuable, it can be fun, but of course, it does have it’s down sides too.

We have an article here on Netmums that offers lots of advice around healthy screen time, including suggestions such as planning a family agreement and keeping some boundaries in place The Screen Time Rules Every Family Needs To Know - Netmums

I hope you find some useful tips there. 

Cathy