Controlling partner do I leave with kids

Hi Cara,

I'm Loraine, one of the Netmums' Parent Supporters.

Thank you for posting your circumstances so honestly on here and well done for reaching out for support.

I know some of our netmums' community will be able to relate and hopefully, some of them will drop by soon and share their experience with you.

Cara you sound like you're really unhappy in your relationship and sometimes it's worth thinking about what (if anything), you would miss if it ended tomorrow? Are you frustrated because you can't find a way to end things or because he won't leave or because he won't change?

When you said 'I really don't want to involve police' - what did you mean by that Cara? I'm sorry for all the questions, but I'm just trying to understand where you're at and what you want so that I can point you in the right direction.

Women's Aid are a wonderful charity who support women every day who are living in abusive relationships. Abuse can mean all sorts of things eg. verbal, emotional, financial etc, but it is still abuse. Women's Aid have a Live Chat service where you can speak with a trained support worker about what's happening at home and they will talk you through what options you have from staying in the family home, finances, to contact arrangements with the children etc. They won't ask you to do anything you don't want to, but they will give you all the information you need so that you can make an informed decision about what to do next - does that sound like something that might prove helpful right now Cara? You can access their Live Chat service here: Live Chat | Women's Aid Live Chat

We have a parent supporter here at netmums who also works for women's aid, so I'll ask her to drop by and review your post to see if she can offer any further advice.

I hope some of this proves helpful Cara, but come back and let us know how things are and we'll try to support you in any way we can.

Loraine x

I personally think the only thing I would miss is (as such) is the routine and knowing someone is there if that makes sense? I think I'm more frustrated that he will never change and my children are now suffering so I know he needs to go. He always knows how to act nice after and guilt trip me.

Whenever I have asked him to go he literally laughs and says no I'll go when you sleep with someone (I'm not that kind of person so I've told him if it comes to it I will ring the police but the truth i am petrified to do that)

We moved last year and agreed it would only be my name on the tenancy so I know he has no legal right to the home but when I went to my mum and dad's before trying to leave him he turned up smashed a window with my eldest at the time 6 in the house and dented my dad's car he just got a telling off and a fine so I feel trapped/stuck with no where to go.

Every time I get us financially stable and start having money he quites work so I'm left supporting the 5 of us. I realise after years he is very abusive (not physically to people but to things) emotional, verbally and now to the children to the point my youngest copied him swearing which mortified me.

If I phone the police would social services get involved? I'm scared to lose my children they're the only thing that's kept me going

Hello Cara,

I’m from Women’s Aid. It’s really brave of you to share your experience and I’m glad that you felt able to reach out for support. I’m sorry to hear about what you’re going through- it sounds difficult and distressing for you and your children and I can hear that the situation at home is escalating.

It sounds like your partner is emotionally and sexually abusing you. It is not uncommon for abusers to deny, minimise and blame their partners for their abusive behaviour and this may be what is happening here. I

want to reassure you that you are in no way to blame for his abusive behaviour and he has no right to constantly raise his voice to you. You are taking all the responsibility of the household tasks and childcare which must be exhausting and it’s unfair that you should be carrying all of this, especially as you also have physical and mental health issues to contend with.

If your partner is touching you sexually and you have not consented, then this is sexual abuse. It is also your right to not want to have a baby with him. You could get support from Rape Crisis who are a national organisation that operate local centres for women who have experienced rape or sexual abuse. They are now contactable via their 24 hr helpline on 0808 500 2222; they also have a live chat service (available Mon-Fri) through their website: https://rapecrisis.org.uk 

You do not have to contact the police to get support from services but do consider reporting the abuse to the police via their non-emergency contact of 101 online as this can be helpful for legal proceedings, if needed. You could also consider asking your GP to record the abuse and its impact on you.

Please feel free to contact our live chat where you can chat in confidence about your situation. Support workers won’t tell you what to do but they can give support, practical information, and discuss with you any options that are available based on your specific circumstances. For more information about the chat service please go to: https://chat.womensaid.org.uk/

You might also like to get some ongoing support from your local domestic abuse service which you can find by clicking on this link: https://www.womensaid.org.uk/womens-aid-directory/ 

You may also want to access the Women’s Aid Survivors Forum and chat to other survivors anonymously. This is an online community of women who have experienced domestic abuse or who are still in abusive situations. You can access the Forum here: http://www.womensaid.org.uk/survivors-forum  



Thanks again for reaching out for support- you have done the right thing. I wish you all and your children all the best. Take care.

Lisa.

I just want to say I’m so sorry. I’ve been where you are and it is hard.

The best thing for you and you know this is a life without him.

only you can decide if you can plan safely to do this x

take care and seek support and advice from the professional

Tell him to stop

Smoking

Swearing

Shouting

Consequence could be you leave the house and stay at hotel with children for one night, remember hotel have policies so don't tell him location to avoid drama

You could go over to your mum's or his mum's

You could invite his or your mum over to your House

You could tell him no sex, hugs, sleeping in different bedroom

You could not offer him food

Etc.... But there has to be a consequence you have to actually do something no matter how uncomfortable it is or however simple it is

Politely tell him to reduce his time on the phone as you would like him to spend more time with you and your children

Then both of you seek either counseling, watch YouTube video on counseling together or read a book together how to fix the relationship.

Then with your health, try and heal some things naturally or bring them to base line minimum - you feel happy, your relationship with everyone will be happier. So do things like eat healthy, yoga, meditate, go appointments regularly, ask doctor how to heal things rather than dealing with symptoms, sleep better.

Lastly spend time with your children go out somewhere regularly with them , spend minimum of 15 minutes with each child per day.