My toddler is making me depressed

Hi kelly:hiya:

Sorry i dont have any advice for you but would just like to say im in the same situation with my DS who was 3 in january. I could have wrote that post myself. He has just started his preschool for 3 afternoons which is a bit of a relief lol although there is still DD 17 months.

 Is there any classes or such that your interested you could to for an hour once a week? zumba, swimming etc. or even just pop out for a coffee yourself with a book? Obviously i dont know if this is do-able for you but it might help you feel like yourself for a bit.

In regards to discipline ive tried everything but am now sticking to time out. Its hard as he fights constantly but we are getting there. Do you see you're health visitor? she may be able to help.

sorry for rambling but your not alone and im here to chat if you want

Thats ok, i understand im not alone and that most children go through this at this age but my god its hard work. he goes to nursery 3 days a week and i go to work, and im actually looking forward to going to work tomorrow. its horrible because i feel so guilty for feeling like this at the same time. i love him to bits and  love being a mummy but it gets you so down sometimes

Hi Kelly I'm not surprised you're struggling a bit after all you do have a 2 year old and a baby - thats hard work. You say you've tried lots of discipline methods but how long did you give each one? and what methods did you try? Consistency is always the key in my opinion, and I know thats not easy when you're busy with a baby.
I started "time out" for my ds when he was your toddlers age. One warning and then he would get 2 minutes in his room. I know a lot of people might think putting him in his room is mean but it saved me all that messing around taking him back to a naughty step. As he got older I decided that for any aggression such as hitting there would be no warning just straight into time out. Now for this method to work the explanations to the little one are crucial. he needs to know what you expect of him and if he's been naughty why you are unhappy about it.
Now my ds is 3 I find the warning is usually sufficient.

I have used the naughty step but he is quite happy to sit there for 2 minutes and then come off it and do the same thing hes been put on for. also because we are toilet training he will do the toilet on time out and im sure its on purpose, so with a crying baby a pooey toddler i end up just ignoring the behaviour to make life simpler. its things like when i tell him off he he will smash a toy off the floor, do you think he should be placed on time out every time he does this or is this something worth overlooking? x

I remember being at this stage with dd1 and then i read a book can't remember what one and it changed things, basically the things i took from it were:

1. i had got into the habbit of saying no constantly when really i didn't need too, if she was touching something she shouldn't have been i then started to think, can she hurt herself/break it if no then leave her be.

2. Praise the good, even though it may not feel like they are doing that much good at times they are you just need to see it, when he gives the baby something, when he passes you something, when he uses please and thank you anything you can praise do.

3. The more i told her off and said no, the naughtier she got cause all she was getting was negative comments from me.

Once i started with these little changes it was so much easier i wasn't as stressed out and she started to be better behaved as i was more encouraging and calmer.

Trust me it is just a phase that you will work through, every so often they go through other phases but when there asleep and you look at them you realise it is all worth it.

Once the summer is here i think it gets easier as they are out and about more rather than stuck indoors.

Time-out is great i use it for my dd1, can't remember whether i did when she was 3 though??

i was just writing something similar when my wonderful toddler deleted it! I was also going to add that in situations where he hits, have a think about the why and other methods he could use to deal with things instead of hitting and teach him how to implement it. Lots of praise when he does

I have the exact same problems you described, this has made a huge difference!  Surviving the Toddler Years - The Natural Child Project this website is helpfull. I dont  use everything but it does give a good outline of how to implement things.

hope this helps you! x

oh i forgot! offer choices for things that would result in tantrums so he feels his in controll. eg. instead of telling him to put his coat on you could say 'which arm do you want to put in first?'

Hello Kelly
I am sorry to hear that you are having hard time with your little boy at the moment, being a mummy to a toddler and a baby is hard work, so it is no wonder you are feeling tired and fed up

Many mums (and dads) say it is helpful for them, to have a routine or a plan of activities of what they are going to do during the course of the week. Perhaps on your days off, you could investigate some places to go Kelly, where your little one can burn off some energy  -do you think that would help at all?

Do you have a Sure start children's centre in your area at all? They can be a great source of support to parents, and often offer a programme of weekly activities for children and babies.

Sure Start Children's Centres search - Family Information Directory (FID) : Directgov

You may like to consider starting one of the parenting courses  - they are often run at family or children's centres or there is an online net mums parenting course which you might like to sign up for  -see below for details.
The courses can offer support and advice for parents on a whole range of parenting challenges, and can offer you strategies to enable you to feel more in control of everyday situations.
Login - Netmums

How about if you started a reward chart with your little one Kelly?
Reward Charts - to print and colour in - Netmums
You could perhaps reward your little one a sticker for each time he does as he is told, or does not have a tantrum? Positive praise can work well also, as well as ignoring the bad or unwanted behaviour.

I hope this helps a little Kelly - perhaps you could let us know how you get on when you can?
Best wishes
Nasreen

Hi Kelly,

You deserve a star for all the hard work you are doing with your kiddies... I know how hard it is because it's almost like you have written this post about me and my boys!  My boys are 21 months apart (3 1/2 and 22 months) and life is hard work.  I have tried some of the other suggestions - praising the good, trying to say yes more often, making time for activities/playgroups and they all work...most of the time.  Regarding feeling depressed because of the situation... you are sooo not alone!  I know it is very hard and something that I struggle to do myself but it is so important to also make time for yourself - when the kids are napping or after they go to bed at night.  Try not to expect too much out of your days - if your kids are happy (when they're not crying for something lol), smiling, fed and watered then you are doing a good job.  PLEASE message me to my inbox anytime you need.  What helps me sometimes is just to know that there is someone else I can vent to that I know is experiencing the same thing.

hugs to you
dasha

Hi Kelly,

I just wanted to send you a hug and to wish you well... I was in a similar situation last year. It really wore me down too, to the point when my friend took me along to the docs and I was put on antidepressants (I don't think they worked though..!). There was nothing I could do about my son's tantrums, in the end the best thing I found I could do was put him upstairs in his room or remove myself from the situation in another way.  I also wanted to say it gets better with time... there is light at the end of the tunnel

With best wishes

Debi

Hi Kelly

I have 3 children who have and still are trying to drive me to an early grave.;) My DD is 9 but my twins boys are 3 and it can be so hard sometimes :hug::hug::hug:

Anyway here's how I deal with my Children of Chucky and try to keep myself from loosing the plot.

1 Remember, however angry you are you are the grown up so try not to loose it, no matter how much they push you. If needed go into a different room and have 5 minutes out to calm down
 
2. Pick your battles - otherwise you're shouting all the time and it's  exhausting! If you keep on at everything you will loose your impact and you're stuffed. It is easy to just shout at everything but not the best approach with this age group in my experience. Ignore the not so bad stuff and concentrate on the things that really need dealing with

3 PRAISE all the good stuff LOTS and ignore the minor bad bits. All children want attention, good or bad. If you ignore the bad bits and praise the good you'll find he is happier to comply and get the praise.

4 If they don't do as they are told, tell them simply what you want them to do and a consequence if they don't (eg toy taken away) If they hit etc get down to their level and firmly but calmly say no and the consequence if they do it again

5 Follow it through. I really do get that with everything going on it's hard to do but you have to do it (I have to keep telling myself this one too)

6 I use time out so 3 minutes in the hall or 'Hall of Shame' as it's known in our house
 
7 After, I get down to eye level and tell them firmly why Mummy is cross ' eg hitting is unkind, it hurts etc' etc and he has to say sorry to his victim (gives them a hug)

8 Keep consistant and make sure you and your OH are doing the same thing (something me and DH can be rubbish at)

10 Once they are in bed drink wine and lots of it!!  

Lastly remember you are not alone, that somewhere out in the world (probably in the area of West Sussex) is a woman going through the same as you and this is normal toddler test the boundary behaviour.

xx

.. ... ...

I have no advice for you just wanted to say i know how you feel. My toddler is 27 months and I used to have a brilliant relationship with him until the new baby came along. The baby is now 3 months and is a very good baby. The toddler is wearing me down. I love him so much and give him nearly all my attention and it never seems to be enough. He seems to be bored of all his toys, some days I take him out to nice places just to try and cheer him up and he often comes home even more grumpy than before, if the baby cries he cries, if the baby has milk he wants it and moans and whinges for hours if he doesnt get it, he very rarely eats his breakfast or dinner and pesters me for snacks and milk all day.  I feel sorry for my baby because the toddler gets nearly all my time and to top it all off I have a step-son who is entering his teens who is also getting fed-up of all the tantrums and of me getting stressed out and it's putting a real strain on our relationship which is a shame because i've been a stepmum to him since he was 18 months old. I feel like a crap mum and the thought of mothers day just makes me want to cry.

There is some very good advice on this thread, I feel so stupid because it's all common sense but sometimes I just can't see the wood for the trees. Can anyone recommend a good book on dealing with toddlers and sibling rivalry??

Hi

Just to add, DH has been away and I have been using a marble jar for encouraging helpfu,l good behaviour

Every time they are well behaved, kind, helpful they get to pop a marble in their named jam jar. However if they are naughty a marble gets taken out

Once the jar is full they get a treat

I like this as they can see the jar getting fuller and love popping the marbles in. It's very simple and seems to work better for my 3 year old than a reward chart