Looking for clarity
8 answers /
Last post: 21/02/2024 at 11:41 pm
so this is long winded (Sorry).
me and my partner have been together officially for 2.5 years. But we’re unfortunately FWB for 3 years prior due to him telling me he couldn’t be in a relationship as his ex would stop him seeing the kids.
after 6 months of being together officially he moved in to my house and rented his out. I have a bigger house. I gave his daughter her own room and the struggles with the ex were there constantly. She was always involved and it didn’t help the kids were with us every other day. It was unsettling for his kids and my kids.
after a year we had a huge row and he moved out. His ex played the biggest part in it by stopping me being in public with his children but was okay with them being in my house to sleep and me to feed them.
we split up briefly and I found out he slept with someone else 3 days before we officially got together the year before. I found it hard as I knew the person and he begged me to forgive him and try again as he had changed and he loved me. I had changed his life for the better. Them Christmas time he told me he was moving back into his house. For me it felt like we were going backwards in our relationship but thought I’d see how it went without an involvement with his children and his ex not in between us.
hes currently sleeping on his parents sofa bed, and his birthday was yesterday. He asked to take children for breakfast in the morning but his mother had arranged a family breakfast only thing was…. Me and my children hadn’t been invited. I was obviously upset as he is the father figure to my children as they have lost their dad. My youngest only knows him as dad. His son isn’t biologically his. His ex cheated on him and lied that the boy was his, so basically my son is the same as his son is to him. Yet they are treated very differently.
I raised the concern I was hurt his mum had arranged something and didn’t speak to me. He said he would sort it as he wanted to spend his birthday with me as a family. But maybe he just see me and my children after breakfast. I told him not to bother sorting it as my boys would feel like they missing out and I would do them something special and he wouldn’t need to upset his mum by raising my concern, he basically told me I didn’t respect his wishes by saying this and have ruined his birthday. Yet I was respecting his mum and his children and allowing him time with them. I didn’t want my children feeling left out,
it always feels like I raise an issue, I’m to blame.
he didn’t speak to me most the time we were out for food. It was awkward and then told me it was weird I didn’t look at him. I tried to explain his silent treatment wasn’t helping and again I’m ruining his birthday. All I do is bc sure arguements, he will make me out to say or do a lot worse than I have to my face and then say “oh sorry I mean not those exact words buttt”
I have been deeply hurting today now feeling like I have ruined his birthday.
all I want is a happy family. I communicated to his mum a while ago about getting presents and cards from all the kids, and said I would do it if she was okay with it, she told me my partner would love that as it’s a family thing. I asked his daughter Friday if she was happy with what I got him from them (she’s 9) and she said oh we doing our own surprise with grandma and got him aftershave anyway too. Again I feel shocked his mum would tell me to get gifts and spend my money when I’m a paying a mortgage and have 3 children to pay for.
all I’m doing is doubting myself and I have I actually ruined his birthday. He seems to think nobody would feel the way I did but would feel the same as him. Why do I feel like I need clarity
That honestly sounds like a mess!
Firstly it sounds like he's half in and half out..... and that's probably why his mum didn't invite you cause he's voiced those feelings, so she's probably not sure whether you guys are staying together or not.
Secondly, he raised his son (non biological) from birth as he was told it was, so he developed those bonds really early on, I'm guessing he hasn't with your son and hence why he treats them differently, not that he should but you can usually tell when a bond is natural and when it's not, if you guys continue I'm sure that bond would grow naturally though.
But from what you've said it sound like the relationship is breaking down, he would rather sofa surf on his parents sofa than move back in, I'm guessing there's a lot of arguments and he just can't be dealing with it, have you asked him if he's really interested in making this relationship work? Are you really interested in making it work or is mum guilt playing a part?
Just end it and move on its way to much hassle you'll never be a happy family while his ex and his mother are being so toxic I run a mile if I was you!! He's also not being very nice about it all and is keeping everything separate just cut contact
Jeez. This is too much drama and hard work. Ditch him, this is not going to get any better and you're just setting yourself (and your kids) up for more heartache.
From your post it doesn’t even read like your in a stable relationship, it still sounds more like FWB to be honest.
I’d be questioning where this situationship, is actually going.
You're worrying so much about his stupid birthday breakfast but hello!!! He's a serial cheat and the whole situation is a mess! But hey... worry about the "in-laws" not inviting you🤦♀️
Omg, why are you entertaining all this???! Just leave. The relationship is obviously toxic for all involved.
Wow time to ditch this guy hes basically just doin what he wants when he wants anyway so good riddance.
And the whole u now feelin u ruined his birthday, hes got u thinkin ur crazy classic gas lighthing behaviour RED FLAG walking time to go.
