Stepmum Problems Still

Hi Kay,

I'm Loraine, one of the Netmums' Parent Supporters.

Thank you for posting your circumstances so honestly on here and well done for reaching out for support.

I know that lots of our netmums' community are step parents and hopefully, some of them will drop by soon and share their experience and advice with you.

In the meantime, blended families can be so tricky to deal with can't they? I can hear how upsetting the situation is for you, to the point where you're considering splitting up with your partner - that is so sad to hear. I'm wondering if you've considered individual or couples counselling so that a neutral person could listen to both your points of view and perhaps help you to communicate more effectively - is that something you've considered? RELATE offer this service and they have lots of information on their website which you can access here: https://www.relate.org.uk/relationship-and-couples-counselling

There is also a charity called Family Lives and they specialise in all things family related including step parenting. They talk about different discipline methods, consistency, relationships with biological parents among other things. You can read more here: https://www.familylives.org.uk/advice/your-family/stepfamilies/when-you-become-a-stepfamily

I hope you can find a way through this Kay and if you wanted to continue to chat with a parent supporter, you could start a thread in the drop in clinic where we work every morning and evening. Here is the link to the boards we cover: https://www.netmums.com/coffeehouse/drop-clinic-984/

Best Wishes.

Loraine x

Hi Lorraine,

Thank you for this. Unfortunately, I just received a substantial bill for work required and haven't a penny to my name until it's paid off. It would be great otherwise. And we aren't classed as a 'low income' household, so we wouldn't quality for a reduced cost either.

I'd jump at this had we not received this crippling bill.

Kay x

I genuinely don’t know how you think you can marry someone which would make you stepmother to a child who you don’t love. I can’t even envisage not being able to love a child I’ve spent so much time with. If you’re worried about a 6 year old’s (a SIX YEAR OLD - still a little child) lack of consideration for others, then buckle up, because it can and does last well beyond early teens. Seriously cannot see a future in this relationship. Better to split now.

I hate to say, it sounds pretty normal behaviour for a 6 year old.

The looking for praise for a hug is probably because he wants the reassurance he’s doing good.

As a foster carer we have many children through our door. What ever anyone ever tells you, Some you gel with better than others.

If you want to chat feel free to PM me.

everyone has different opinions on here but I’m happy to offer a non judgmental ear for a chat.

best wishes x

This seems like it's not really the child here but perhaps a bit of depression/issues from you. Most children are selfish.... you have to teach them empathy and thinking of others, also he only sees his dad at weekends, so he's trying to get as much attention as possible meaning me, me, me....

My husband struggled with my sons behaviour off and on over the years, as he has ADHD and some of the behaviours that come with that, he's also really un-empathetic so we have to constantly remind him that it's not just him in the house, when my husband let's me know when something is bugging him, I let him get it off his chest, then we brainstorm about how we can work together to solve it.

I would suggest going to counselling if you want to fix this as I think this is a you issue, you could walk away but what if you get in another relationship and they also have a child, you would probably feel the same.... that bond does not come naturally to some, it takes work, doing fun stuff together, making memories and not constantly picking up on the negatives, tell your partner once a month to take him out for the day, so that you can just have a break but if you want this to work, you're going to have throw your commitment into it.

Sorry Kay G, I'm going to be really hard on you.

Firstly, I think you're expecting too much of a six year old. Many if them can be very selfish and self-centered.

But now to your post - I know a lot of that was you venting - but read it back when you've had time to take a breath and try to read it objectively. All the things you have accused your stepson of, you have been guilty of yourself. There was no compassion, understanding, empathy or love in your words about your stepson.

Children are very perceptive, they pick up on adult's feelings. I feel very sorry for your stepson if he has picked up on the negativity you have shown towards him in your post.

Why do you expect your stepson to automatically show you love and affection while you are clearly not showing any to him?

I think you need to look at your own behaviour first, if you want any hope of earning your stepson love and trust.

This answer is absolutely spot on!

It's a shame that people think the worst. If you asked my stepson about me, he would only have positive things to say. He would rather be with us than his own mother. I've been overcompensating for my feelings and trying to feel that connection I so badly want. He seems to feel it with me and I feel horrible for not being able to.

I'm not coming back onto this thread again. It's just women jumping at the chance to put someone down. Not all, some of you have been less judgemental. But this...you've just got me all wrong. Made a judgement on one post of mine. Respond with more negativity, if you like, but I won't be looking.

One last thing, try to think about why a person is posting. It's often desperation when they're incredibly unhappy. Your words could send someone over the edge. Please just use this post to be critical and don't send negative messages to others.

My reply to you was actually quite measured - your response to me confirms where the problem in your relationship with your stepson lies.

I'm sorry that you probably won't see this message but I'm going to write it anyway.

It seems like you are trying really hard to be a good step-mum and honestly, I think you are succeeding. Your stepson likes to be with you. He gives you hugs.

Where things may be falling down is that you and everyone elss is just expecting a bit too much of themselves and everyone else.

Firstly, you need to cut yourself some slack. You are working in the week, trying to work on your side hustle at weekends, be a good partner, be a good step-mum and feel a positive emotional connection to a child that isn't yours. It's too much.

You need to give yourself a break. Why should you connect with a child that isn't yours? Some parents don't even connect with their bio children. This child has a mum and a dad already; don't push yourself to be something more than you are or need to be. You are his dad's partner and you are kind to him. That is enough.

Your partner needs to give you a break sometimes too: take his son out by himself at least once each weekend so that you get a break. TBH you sound burned out with it all. I think you need to cut yourself some slack so you can recuperate. Maybe see your GP if you feel you might be depressed or just take time out to do something for yourself.

Finally, I think you need to cut your stepson a little slack and be more age-appropriate and realistic in your expectations. Children at his age are naturally selfish as they haven't yet learned to consider others. In addition, this little one comes from a broken home so is likely to feel insecure and look to his Daddy for approval as he tries to make sense of his new family. He'll probably become more emotionally secure and empathetic as he grows or maybe he won't.

For now, worry less, enjoy more. Treasure what you have with your partner. Share with him how you feel about your role in his son's life and ask him to take some more of the emotional strain. It's his son, afterall. I'm sure he'll understand. He sounds great.

You got this.

Don’t ask for opinions if you don’t want to hear them… from the sounds of your original post and this reply.. I’d struggle to differentiate the adult and child. Yes he wants praise from his dad when hugging you… I suspect however your a bit deluded thinking he would only have good things to say about you.. you aren’t even open to see that the qualities you dislike in him are the same qualities you demonstrated in your initial post. I bet if he was genuinely asked and felt like he didn’t have to have your approval (praise for hugging you) then he may have an alternative opinion. I think your right to end it… or rather your fiancé is.. if you can’t love a child you’ve know since a baby there’s no chance. They do both deserve someone who will.

I think you are being a bit harsh. I truly think this lady is trying her best but maybe burned out with her two jobs and weekend childcare responsibilities.

Depression can make it hard to feel any emotion and it would be a shame for her to trash an otherwise good relationship at this point in her life when she probably really needs her partner's support.

Her difficulties with her step-son are partly about not understanding his emotional immaturity; well, when she's feeling better, she can learn.

She posted on here because she needed advice and support, not a bashing. Let's demonstrate some of that empathy and be supportive of her efforts.