I think he's gambling again-help
5 answers /
Last post: 03/02/2023 at 3:45 pm
This is really embarrassing and I can't talk to any of my friends or family about this in real life so please be gentle with me.
We have had money issues in the past-we actually were bankrupt 12 years ago because of stupid spending on credit cards and stuff. It was mainly him that was spending and when I looked at the statements he had been taking cash out on the credit cards and going to the bookies with it. It nearly split us up but the bankruptcy was a new start and we agreed, no secrets, to stick to a budget etc etc.
Anyway here we are, we have been arguing a bit as he says he's always skint and we are struggling to find the rent this month. I thought he was acting funny, so I did a bit of digging in his stuff and have found out he's got a loan for £5,000 out last September. I have no idea what he's spent it on, no new car or done anything to the house. I think he has gambled it again. I am really worried that that is not the only debt he's got, last time he had 5 credit cards I didn't know about.
When I confront him, and I will have to admit I've been snooping and he will go mad, I want to have a way to help him and to move us back to a good position again. Am I too soft? My head is all over the place this morning.
You're entitled to snoop. He has proved untrustworthy and you can't just snap your fingers and suddenly be trustworthy again can you. 25yrs of good behaviour and still not trusting him would be different but this is recent.
His financial lies affect you and your credit rating forever. It's time to walk away.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me.
Hello there
first of all well done, it’s not easy to seek help and advice when everything feels so wrong.
I can tell you from my own experience that my husband took out a loan behind my back, I found out, he vowed to change his ways…fast forward a few years and this time debt collectors where at the door, I sat down calmly looked at the options and he went to see a local agency about debt, it did lead to his bankruptcy and we nearly lost the family home, I am/was quite a traditional person, and vowed to stand by him…
im afraid that was a massive massive massive mistake, he ran up credit cards in my name, had me take out a loan to buy him a car and because we had been together for around 15 years I trusted him, he walked out and left me with £30k of debt solely in my name and that’s when the realisation hit home… but it took losing absolutely everything I had ever had to realise it.. my children have also been to hell and back as it was an absolutely hellish time, I look back now and think I should have left when the second round of hidden debt appeared.
everybody is different, and if you wish to work things out then I do wish you the best of luck, but really he has to start with himself and actually want to save himself… you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t force it to drink.
stay strong and remember this is and never will be your fault xxx
Hi Stevie
I don't doubt that this has come as a shock to you. I expect that you thought that this kind of trouble and stress was all in the past...
The thing is, though, he is not in a position to object to being "snooped on", is he? You were aware that something was going on as money seems to have become short. Even if you don't actively think about the previous mess he created; the instinct that trouble is brewing is still there. What makes it worse that it seems that there is no obvious expenditure that would account for this loan; so what has he done with it?...
Unfortunately, and as my own family knows to its cost, there is no way for you to help him. He has to want to help himself. Very sadly, what you have discovered suggests that his attitude to money has not really changed.
I would suggest talking to him and saying that you are concerned about money seeming to be short and you think it is time to have a look through your finances and see where exactly your money is going because it is clear to you that something is not adding up. If he does not want to do this; then he has to tell you why he thinks it is unnecessary. You could then say that if there is anything he needs to tell you, he should do so now because if you were to find out that he has kept something from you at some point in future, that will only make things worse. Give him the opportunity to tell you the truth. If he can't or won't take that opportunity, then I think you are going to have to tell him that you know about this loan and he has no grounds to object because you trusted him to behave responsibly and he has not done so - the only person entitled to be upset in this situation is you.
Best wishes.
Thanks for getting in touch. I'm sorry to hear about your difficulties, and It sounds like you have valid concerns again. I can't give you relationship advice or comment on how best to approach him about the 'snooping', you might want to chat through that side of things with somebody from Relate who can offer relationship advice and support.
I would also recommend that if there are still gambling issues that he seeks some help, Gamcare offer support for people dealing with gambling addiction so I would encourage getting support as soon as possible if it does come to light that there is still problem gambling.
We can certainly give you some advice where the debt is concerned, I would recommend getting together as much financial information as you can, and either visit our website and use our online advice tool, or if you would rather chat things through our trained advisors are available on 0800 138 1111 from 8am until 8pm Monday to Friday and 8am until 4pm Saturdays.
The number is free to call from most UK landlines and mobiles, once we have a full understanding of your financial situation we will make a recommendation and provide you a tailored action plan to go with it. We are non-judgemental and impartial, the service is free to use, and there is no obligation to go ahead with what we recommend.
Best wishes - Kev at StepChange
