Wife pregnant by someone else

So you have obviously forgiven her for the fling (and for the fact that she didn't use protection? That was stupid for so many reasons, one of which you're now having to deal with, but also because of what she might have caught and passed onto you).

So the next issue is how you feel about the child. If you're really happy to raise it as your own, that's fine. But you say at times you're not 100% happy, which is entirely understandable. I think the worst thing you can do is to keep those feelings hidden from your wife. She needs to know about these conflicting emotions now, as they might get worse later on. Think how you'll feel when the child is actually born. He/she won't look anything like you, but people will still say "Aw, he's got his dad's eyes" because that's what people do. And that will be very awkward, for both of you.

What about the child's right to know who the real father is? Or the father's right to know about their child? Or are you planning on keeping the secret forever? There are moral considerations here that go beyond your own personal choices.

Much talking needs to take place between you two, and I'm sure other people here will suggest couple counselling, which I suppose wouldn't hurt.

Wow,

My bf (now ex) cheated on me, got another women pregnant who already had a 11month and 5yr by 2 different men.

He got her pregnant and went through 2 rounds of IVF with me fertilising all my eggs!

Its a huge story and so many layers to this.

This women wasn’t a fling.

Now this woman and her family have put my sons dad behind bars (I stand by his innocents) he now says he’s “sorry” he couldn’t live without me blah blah blah.

I don’t understand how you are ok with this?

Im going through the worst pain ever from this.

My son 22months has a half sibling 3 months old…disgusting!

Its good to finally hear it from a males perspective, but find it hard how you want to give this women a chance.

This will not be the first time she has cheated on you, if she can so recklessly, go and get herself pregnant.

You are lucky you have older children.

I would get rid, face pain of the break up and then find someone you deserve, things will only get worst.

I dont know how your dealing with this so well but good on you supporting her if you love her and still want to be with her am assuming your going to raise the child as your own? Also what do your kids think about it?

This time this isn’t about you, this is his story and what he wants to do. His wife was open and honest, your partner clearly wasn’t. Surely if he wants to stay with her, that’s his decision.

Anyway Dave, sorry to hear you are having these feelings, you do obviously need to talk these through as you need to work on them together. I think it’s probably normal to feel this way, it’s easy to get swept up in the excitement and thought of having a baby, however it’s your wife’s biological child, but not yours, so it will worry for you. You’ll probably have a million thoughts you going through your head, will you love it like your own, will it even have the same colour hair as any of you, the eye colour.

And then there’s also the battle as the child gets older, will you even tell them, will they find that something is off, if they get sick, will you need blood tests for medical purposes.

You definitely have every right to feel sad, cry, be a bit angry, think what ifs.

Although there may be more happy times that not, I definitely think you should go and have a couple of counseling sessions to get it all out.

what have you told the teens? As there will be another load of questions there too.

I wish you all the best, you’re clearly a loyal and loving husband and father.

If she (or the child in the future) wants to contact the biological father there are ways of tracing him, and in 2023 it can often be at no cost. If she knows his full name and roughly where he lives the first thing she should do is a search on social media. He's bound to be on facebook or something.

I think you need some

couples therapy to work through this and forwards . Potentially som individual therapy too .

All the best x

I think it’s one of those situations that no one knows how they would deal with until they are in that situation

I have to agree with Kayleigh here. Each person deals differently. They have been together 20 years and no unfaithfulness before.

I'm sorry for what you're going through. Indeed it is hell for you and totally understandable. You're relationship is very different from there's. Please get some counselling. I get, your angry with anyone being put through this. Why wouldn't you be? It's natural.

To the OP! It is a difficult time for both of you. It is correct as others have said you must talk with her about your feelings with her. It maybe easier if you both engage in Relate counselling.

I know someone who was in a similar situation. As it turned out the baby was her husband's. He had, had a vastetomy too. They didnt know he still had a low sperm count. She had, had a one night stand.

If you stay together it is perfectly legal for you to put your name on the birth certificate as the father. When you are married you are legally allowed too. It is not breaking the law

PS: Further on to my last message above, there is also a charity called REFLECT who help people by counselling with crisis pregnancy which this is. You may find it use too for you both, or singularly

Hi, this is such a complex thing I want to try to simplify a bit. I also was cheated on by numerous exes and my husband so know the deal. Including someone who got someone pregnant while we were together.

So you have forgiven the affair, I wonder on your reasons for that. People happy and in love do not cheat even if hundreds of miles away. Have you both had a good chat and counselling? What if this happens again or the dad wants to be involved, how will that be dealt with? Why did she do it?

You love seeing her pregnant maybe because of nostagia, but when the baby arrives reality may hit. This is a permanent reminder of her fling…that will be hard to manage. Again, I think therapy.

And lastly the child- my family has step siblings and sadly the romance doesnt always hold out. The first thing a child will do if they work it out is say “youre not my Dad” in arguments. How will you cope to hear that? How might this affect a child?

Also my kids are biologically mine but some days I even want to walk away…when the child isnt yours and times are rough how will you manage that emotion. This is not a child for a few years, its for the rest of your life. You didnt want more children and I assume you had that conversation? You will be given all this responsibility that you took actions to avoid and she has not.

lastly I feel sadness in your tone. You clearly love her but I feel like you feel she is too good for you. A pretty face with an unfaithful heart might not be too good for you? The fact you have accepted and forgiven shows you are a catch to someone who will not cheat, who will be honest, who doesn't expect you to take responsibility for her actions.

I think you sound like you have a good heart but please please think about the impact on yourself. You may still be want this to happen but please do it with your eyes open.

I think it’s ok to be ok with it, if that is what works for you.

I presume you are both going to raise the child as yours and say no more about it ?

Stranger things happen

Wrong!!! it's called paternity fraud if someone knowingly falsely puts their name down as the father on a birth certificate both the mother & husband will get done & it is punishable by imprisonment my son is currently going through this with his ex as they knowingly put her new husbands name on the birth certificate of my granddaughter as the father no one should ever condone paternity fraud it's immoral & that child has the right to know who his/her biological father is, there is also then medical complications history from the fathers side etc, in relation to anything that may be genetic that may happen to pass down through genetics etc, don't give bad advice. the couple could get into a hell of a lot of trouble & all the husband has to do if he genuinely wants to raise the child as his own if they don't have contact details or names whatever for the biological father then apply to adopt him/her through the courts, personally I don't condone cheating in any form it wrecks at least 3 peoples lives possibly 4 dependant on whether there are kids involved on both sides too & it also is genuinely up to the husband if he wishes to bring the child up as his own then good luck to him either way I'm happy for him that he has decided he is taking this on despite the deception. personally if the boot was on the other foot I've been cheated on by my ex husband & he's lucky I didn't really care because he was a complete ***** & a nasty piece of work when he had had a drink & I got past caring, however if that was my current fella his manhood wouldn't be intact! & That is a promise! Well done to that man (OP) for loving his wife enough to want to do this I absolutely applaud his loyalty. 😁 Good luck & have an amazing life!

Hi David,

This is a very personal story thank you for sharing yours. I can see others have posted what they would do. This is really about what you want to do. I think your wife and you need to talk about what led to her cheating? If this is an open marriage and your ok with this then that's ok to. If not, I agree that you should probably talk to someone about this. I also think you need to be realistic about what happens when the child is born. I certainly would think about adding your name to the birth certificate as that would be not only a lie and obviously have considerable implications for the child when their older but also, a financial implication for you for the next 20yrs. Your wife really has an obligation to find out who it was she slept with? Also the option of a paternity test when the child is born too?

The child will have questions of their own as well as their older siblings?

Please think carefully Op.

I disagree. It depends on where he lives. I’m married and just been a surrogate via IVF carried to carry my friends baby. I live in Scotland and after initial difficulties managed to attend with the biological dad and put his name on the birth certificate… however if I lived in England we would legally have to have put my husband on the birth certificate and then apply for a parental order to get it removed.

Thank you everyone for the thoughtful and kind comments.

Yes, very difficult, but to a certain extent we have got used to it and now view it as very much 'something that happened'.

Yes, we have told our daughters that mum is pregnant, but been a little vague about any more detail, they haven't asked though. The elder one has asked a couple of questions which suggest she has guessed about the fling. Not in any disapproving or worried way, if anything more in a salacious way, but my wife has been very nonchalant. I am not sure how she guessed.

Yes, we are to pretend ours, no vasectomy is 100 % for 100% of couples and I can't imagine any of our friends asking too closely. One of my wife's friends knows, from the holiday, but will be discrete.

In terms of later. We plan to cross that when we come to it, I am afraid. We've come to the conclusion that this probably happens to lots of couples, often with the husband being unaware, and we are going to adopt a similar approach.

Again, thank you very much for the responses, interesting reading.