She broke my soul

Long story short, she was fifteen, met some chic in December and on Feb 24 she kissed me good bye for the night, and I haven't seen or spoken to her since. I got harrassed by the girlfriend a few nights later when she came and demanded my daughters stuff without my daughter. I let her in my home and she spent the next thirty min harassing me trying to get me to hit her so she could call the police. I didn't cave and she finally left. I told them the only place she could legally go is to her absent dead beats fathers house eight hours away. Later that evening the deadbeat showed up around midnight to my suprise and demanded my daughers "stuff" I laughed in his face and told him he had plenty of stores to buy his own life for her on the way back to his house. He then called the police on me and they showed up an hour later, asked what happend, I told them, and without making me give up anything told me they understood and to have a nice night. My grandmother who spent fifteen years crying in my daughers ear about how much she hated me, after she begged me not to put her up for adoption. I thought at the time it would make her love me and not hate me but the only thing she did was brain wash my daughter and provide her with all the things I couldnt phone included so I wasnt allowed to take it from her. My grandmother bought her a brandnew phone and changed her number. The girlfriend told me that my almost sixteen year old deserves a mommy and a daddy and her fathers aunt and uncle could give her the life I couldn't. I had court papers three months later stating a restraining order had been put in place and my daughter was requesting to stay there with them. The family that drove by her 15 years. And never came to a birthday party. Never seen a dime. Never stop by nothing. Never had anything to do with her. I didn't take them to court. I didn't have a custody order. So of course she was legally allowed to leave and go down there. And I got court papers that. They printed out my text messages because I Of course I freaked out because that was my little girl. We'd never been separated. I mean, we've never been separated in 15 years. We never were separated. I never went and partied. I divorced my husband for my kids because I didn't want the drama. I come from a very toxic, abused family. And so I didn't want that for my kids. So I walked away from both of my husbands because I didn't want my children to be screwed up like I was. So. When I got the court papers, I was advised not to go because she was 15. She could decide where she wanted to live and there was no sense to me driving 8 hours away just to be told that she wanted to, that just to be told that she was going to stay. I didn't want to chase her anyway because she had told me one other time previously that when I tried to take her phone that she was going to kill herself. So I had her in therapy and I didn't want to press her. That's why I just didn't. I didn't. I didn't chase her because I was scared of her. I didn't want her to hurt herself. I thought that chasing her and making her come back would do more damage than just letting her stay there. But. It's been almost a year and I haven't seen or spoken to her at all. I mean at all. Not one time I didn't get to talk to her on her Sweet 16. I haven't got to talk to her any holidays, Christmases. I deleted all my social media because all I saw was like her and her family talking about they love each other and how you know this that and so it hurt me so. And I just deleted my social media and I've been dying over it every since. I am a first generation college student who just graduated and with a first degree and I'm now working on a psychology degree. But. I don't know how to do this anymore because it has been a year and she's not a a prisoner and I never put my hands on her. I never, you know, cussed her or beat on her or, you know, I spoiled her and I made her stronger than me and I made her think that she was better than me. And my soul is bleeding because everybody just keeps telling me to forget about it, just get over it and she'll be back because she's just being a dumb kid. But what they don't understand is that she was my everything. Like she was the only thing I ever thought I did good in this world. She was the reason why I thought there was. A chance for me to be something successful. And you know, she was my world. And I don't understand how I'm just supposed to forget about a child that just disappeared into thin air. And it's not something that, you know, she she didn't like. It's something that she wanted. And yes, I know that she's being a dumb kid. And she doesn't know what she's doing, but the adults in her life do. You know, they now, my daughter's been gone for a year, OK? A whole year almost. And now all of a sudden she's got a boyfriend, the daughter that I raised as a gay female her entire life. It wasn't my idea. I, you know, I supported her. I encouraged it. I didn't want her to feel like she was something different. So now all of a sudden a year later. My daughter's got a boyfriend and she's not even She hasn't even seen a therapist yet, like. And as someone who's, you know, comes from poverty and abuse and all this, like, I see what's happening. Like it's a toxic family that's allowing her to throw her life away. Because after all, she's just going to be some dumb kid that did it. But they're keeping her happy. They're letting her do whatever she wants, because if they were doing what they were supposed to be doing, she would be seeing a therapist and she would be working on her mental health instead of setting her up for failure. She was a straight A student seeing a therapist three days a week. Whenever she left my care and she left passed off, and she just happened to find somebody that. Agrees with her tantrum because the happier they keep her, the longer they keep her around and. They get a tax write off and. And she gets to go wild. And now I'm, you know, worrying about getting pregnant because I'd rather get pregnant than take her to therapy and fix her future. Because they're uneducated and ignorant themselves. It's toxic. It's broken. It's deadbeat family doing it what they do best. But I miss my child and I'm starting to feel like a freak of nature because I cry all the time and it's now my health is going bad because all I do is cry and. How do I? I just don't know how to get past this because like she's not some little kid that got ripped away because I was acting ignorant. She got picked off one day and I told her that she was going to be separated from that girl and until she's ready to come back around, I have to just go without. Like, I don't even get to talk to her or see her or nothing. Like nothing. They took away my rises, her mother.Like I will never legally be her mom again and she was a 16 year old when this happened. You know what? And I've cried for a year like, and I don't see how she's ever gonna come to the realization that, Oh my God, I love my mom. If you don't love your mom when you're a kid, supposedly, and you know, seeing your mom cry and and knowing that you're breaking her heart, if that doesn't bother a child, then how the hell is it ever going to bother a grown *** woman? You know, I just. I go to these meetings and I see all these moms who are now raising their adult children because they feel so guilty about crap that happened 15 years ago and I'm being told to just deal with it. Nobody cares about my childhood, So what if I had a bad, ****** parents? They're dead and it's time to move on. But all these people are sitting around and they're still raising their adult children because they feel guilty, and I'm not going to be that. Person like I am not going to do that. They didn't just move out and go run off and do dumb kids. Like they took me to court and took away my rights and and made me out to be some crazy lunatic. And I've never even touched her and I'm trying to better my life and her dad doesn't even have a job and he's a drug addict and and now she's exposed to all this and it just I don't know what to do to move on with my life. Not hate this person because I'm sad and my soul is broken and. And how do you just walk away from the only person you've ever known? I mean, and I don't get it, because I never. I never heard her. Like I never. Tried to hurt her. I I mean, I worship the ground that she walked on because I she loved me and she was the first person to ever love me in my life and I I appreciated it. And I didn't want to lose her. I didn't want to lose her. I was scared of losing her. I was always threatened with Child Protective Services because I come from an abusive family and so I was afraid to even do anything. The one time I tried to get on to her, she wanted to fight me, so I backed down and let her go. You know she got her way. But I don't know like I. I'm angry right now. Like my pain is turning into anger. But now I know, because I'm in college, that it's. It's just the feeling. It's not, you know, it's not real or whatever, but I'm is anybody been through anything similar or? I mean, has anybody experienced where you've just raised a kid and then one day they just disappeared into thin air and never came back? And how did you survive? How did you cope? Like, how do you feel like a person whenever your own person doesn't see anything great about you? Like, she doesn't even love me enough to text me and say, hey mom, I know it's been hard, but I love you. You know, she's, she loves these new people. She loves this stranger and she's got all this time to be straight now. And the person that I know everything that I see in my apartment is, is she was gay. But now she's not gay and it's something I made-up and it's. Moms, I'm losing my mind. I need some help. I need some guidance. I need some advice. I need to know that I'm not some. Psychopath that just. Needs to get over her daughter. Like if I were to wake up one day and not want to be her mom anymore, it wouldn't be acceptable. So I don't understand how I'm just supposed to forget about my own kid when there's a whole world sitting around crying about people that you know about guys and women that broke their hearts. I'm not even allowed to cry about my own child ripping my soul out. She didn't just move out like her family called me after never coming to a birthday party. 15 years just to tell me how much she hates me and she'll never speak to me again. But whenever I saw her last, she was my best friend. We did everything together. She was my mini me and I'm dying inside like this is killing me. It really is like I would rather be dead than to wake up another day and be rejected by the only person I have in this world with no excuse other than, well, she just felt like it, you know? So what? Please help.