Marriage

Hi Charlie,

I'm Loraine, one of the Netmums' Parent Supporters.

I'm sorry you're having such a tough time right now - sending gentle hugs your way this morning.

So it sounds like you've tried to have a conversation with your husband about how you're feeling, but it invariably results in a row - I can understand how frustrating that must be.

Is there anyone else in the family or perhaps a close friend who could have a chat with him? Sometimes, it's easier to have a third party discussion than the 2 people directly involved.

If that's too close for comfort, have you thought about individual or couples counselling? Relate have lots of good information on their website about how to improve relationships and they also offer counselling sessions. You can find out more at: https://www.relate.org.uk/relationship-and-couples-counselling

You've taken the first step by writing to us here Charlie and you deserve to be happy. If you wanted to keep chatting with the parent supporter team, we work in the drop in clinic every morning and evening and you would need to start a thread in one of the boards in there. Here is the link: Drop-In Clinic - Netmums Forum

Best Wishes

Loraine x

Sp sorry your going through this if you had mentioned your concerns and he isn't changing I'd sit and talk again and if still same ask him for a break in the hope it will make him step up it's not one sided parenting and marriage and you can only do what you are already or you will be really unhappy . There no excuse not to help out etc it's not one sided. Sometimes having a break can make you realise your best of with them or without xc

Thank you for taking the time to reply.

I feel like it's dragged on so long now that I've got to the stage where I can't fight for it to work anymore.

I bumped into an old flame a few weeks back and had a conversation and the emotions I'd been building up came flooding to the surface after I'd spoken to him. I can't stop thinking about how my life should be happier than this. I shouldn't have to constantly keep fighting to keep the marriage together as well as raising 3 kids, working full-time, keeping up with the day to day chores off the house (he thinks just emptying the dishwasher is enough). I'm going to bed exhausted and waking exhausted.

When I had asked for a break last summer, it was a threat of "I'll just go and jump in the sea" - I've been told to just ignore that but how can I? He's the father to my children!

Thank you for your reply.

I genuinely feel like I've fallen out off love with him now - but feel like I should keep things going for my kids 😕

This is emotional blackmaile . He knows u care still even as the father of ur children and is usin this. Please do not let him stand in the way of happiness u only get one life and u can't sacrifice it for someone who doesn't care or deserve it. Its not ir job to fix him he has to help him self for a start and quite frankly he is being lazy and selfish. The fact he starts a a row wen ever u bring it up says to me he's trying to bark u down, " she'll give up in the end" type thing. U are not emotionally responsible for him u are responsible for ur children and u. Think of the example u want to have for ur children in terms of a happy relationship or even in terms of being happy. I wouldn't want my kids to thnk I have to stay for someone and sacrifice their own happiness- it has to be for ur self.

could his lack of interest be related to his mental health?

Some men are like that there just LAZY n do nothing or just sit down n say Got a Sore back as they carnt be bothered.Why don’t you do the same n just pretend see how it feels n put the pressure on him, or say you fell over whilst he was a work n it really hurts? Men cannot be bothered sometimes, expect people to do things fo them.

Hi

This is controlling behaviour. If it were me I would be telling him to get back to the doctors now, he is not sitting on his bum all day. 7 months is long enough. If he trys the well ill jump off a cliff, then tell him it's not going to work anymore and u need him to be a man and not a child, grow up get to the doctors and get help, or get back to work, cause if u working full time he should he doing the housework. Stop cleaning his clothes, just do what u need to for u and the kids, get them to help u too with cooking and tidying etc. Give him an ultimatum 1 month or he is out u ain't putting up with it any more, u need to be really firm, not back down. Its going to be hard but u can do it. Sending big hugs.

Oh I’m so sorry :(

I also feel like you do, I have a lot of resentment towards my husband because I’ve grown up while we’ve been married and he’s just grown old. I realised how much sh*t he’s put me through and how much of a struggle our lives together are. I’m in no position to leave (long story..) so I stay, and try to find things that bring me joy. I love being with my children and I try to do as much as possible with them when he’s not around. Sending love