Urgent Help! Son 27
20 answers /
Last post: 23/02/2024 at 4:12 pm
Prepare for a long thread!
Hi, i'm new and in desperate help of advice.
Me and my husband are both retired and I have a daughter in a private school sixth form costing enough; we can afford. My son is 27 nearly 28 and earning more than we ever did and has a girlfriend. She enjoys travelling and of course in a relationship expects gifts for birthdays, christmas, valentines and extra just because!! She very rarely shows signs of actually growing up and thinking towards the future, moves from job to job, travels around a lot and rarely spends her money on my son.
My son however, still lives at home, i expect him to pay 300 a month and i know that's not enough to start with but i've payed for his bike which was 1800, i pay for his phone bill and he spends his days working from home and screaming at children on his ps5. He doesn't help around the house, he doesn't communicate with us and asks us for lifts to his friends house. He goes into work on thursdays and if he doesn't go in he's just gone off to his girlfriends for however long and we don't hear when he's back.
Until I get a message asking if he doesn't have to pay his rent this month as he was barely there!
As my 12 yo wiser daughter says "If he had his own flat and he went on holiday for 3 weeks you wouldn't ask the landlord to not pay because you weren't there"
He's 27 he should be moved out now. He has enough money he should be paying rent regardless plus food etc x
Hi Chelsea,
I'm Catherine, one of the Parent Supporters here at Netmums. It sounds like you want to support your 27 year old son but he doesn't appreciate what you are doing for him. Is that fair to say? What would you like to see change Chelsea? It sounds like there may be tough conversations ahead about what is expected of him. Are you and your husband on the same page about what you would like to see change? Sometimes, it can be helpful to have these discussions with someone neutral like a counsellor. Relate offer family sessions - I'll link the website here in case you're interested: Family Counselling | Relate
Best wishes
Catherine
My brother lives with our mum and step dad in his early 30s as the housing market here is just insane. It is impossible to save anything while private renting unless you are on way over average salary. So that in itself is fine, if not ideal.
but expecting lifts and taking your money for his bike and not pulling his weight all takes the piss. I'd probably have snapped at that message and told him to put it towards a deposit on a flat!
Hi Chelsea,
I'm Catherine, one of the Parent Supporters here at Netmums. It sounds like you want to support your 27 year old son but he doesn't appreciate what you are doing for him. Is that fair to say? What would you like to see change Chelsea? It sounds like there may be tough conversations ahead about what is expected of him. Are you and your husband on the same page about what you would like to see change? Sometimes, it can be helpful to have these discussions with someone neutral like a counsellor. Relate offer family sessions - I'll link the website here in case you're interested: Family Counselling | Relate
Best wishes
Catherine
My husband doesn't seem to care too much and doesn't confront him at all leaving it all to me
Sorry to be blunt but your son is freeloading off you …..
Working one day a week ?
It’s different if he’s working his back side off etc but clearly he isn’t !
Tough love !
I'm going to come at a different angle here as someone still living with her mum at 29. He certainly should be doing more if he isn't helping around the house but I completely disagree with people saying he should have moved out.
I (29) earn a good wage and my husband (36) has a standard wage and we are still living together with my mum. We pay about 650 rent to her and my mum covers the rest. We sometimes treat her to meals too. We see it as us all cohabiting together. We do pull our weight but my mum still does so much for us. The cost of living, cost of house prices, interest rates and ridiculous criteria to get a mortgage as well as insane rent prices, mean by living with her we can live happily, have a child here and keep saving for a bigger mortgage. Times have changed. Who is to say we can't live with our parents? Just tell him to pick up his weight and do more. If you want more rent ask him for it.
I don't know where you live, but if it is in London then renting a room in a shared flat would be at least £750 a month plus share of bills. You need to sit him down, with his dad, and lay down a few rules. It won't make you popular but in the long run you will be doing him a favour. Tell him you are upping his rent and it has to be paid whether he is there or not! If he doesn't want to pay then tell him to move in with his girlfriend's family, see how that goes down. Also tell him what you expect from him in terms of helping around the house. He is taking the p**s, and seeing how much he can get away with! Apart from anything else it's disrespectful. Good luck!
Sorry to be blunt but your son is freeloading off you …..
Working one day a week ?
It’s different if he’s working his back side off etc but clearly he isn’t !
Tough love !
I read it as he works from home most days and only goes to office on Thursdays
I'm going to come at a different angle here as someone still living with her mum at 29. He certainly should be doing more if he isn't helping around the house but I completely disagree with people saying he should have moved out.
I (29) earn a good wage and my husband (36) has a standard wage and we are still living together with my mum. We pay about 650 rent to her and my mum covers the rest. We sometimes treat her to meals too. We see it as us all cohabiting together. We do pull our weight but my mum still does so much for us. The cost of living, cost of house prices, interest rates and ridiculous criteria to get a mortgage as well as insane rent prices, mean by living with her we can live happily, have a child here and keep saving for a bigger mortgage. Times have changed. Who is to say we can't live with our parents? Just tell him to pick up his weight and do more. If you want more rent ask him for it.
Your situation and circumstances sound quite different to this lady and her son. You pay a very reasonable amount out which I’m sure your Mum is very grateful for. Plus, if she’s anything like me with my sons she probably loves having you there with her. You don’t take advantage,it just works well for you all. I quite agree about the hurdles with mortgages and house prices etc but this lady’s son is absolutely taking the p!ss!
OP, he’s 27, why on earth if he has spare money isn’t he driving yet? Why are you paying his phone bill? He’s not 15. I agree with a previous comment tough love is massively in order here. You won’t see any changes otherwise. I have a 27 year old son (and a 23 year old son) and I’ve not paid a phone bill other than my own for a long, long time. He needs to grow up. Your 12 year old sounds more mature than him.
Well, times have changed. The fact that your son earns more than you ever did might not mean anything as average wage has gone up a lot since. If he does earn at the higher bracket at such young age, then well done to him and I am sure you are pleased!
The fact that you pay for his phone is your fault. Why do you if you don't want to? Stop :)
I don't think it is unusual to still live with parents in his 20s. Here in London that is pretty common. A small 2 bedroom flat costs £500k around here and you would need a large deposit to get a mortgage that is only 4.5 times your salary. Such flat is highly likely to be only leasehold which comes with additional large financial commitments...better to live at home until one has a substantial deposit for a 'proper' house.
I don't think your son is displaying any unusual behavior that other 20something don't. If you want money from him, that is of course OK, you tell him his board is going up in line with inflation :)
x
I would give him a one month notice in writing.
He is using you. Also, I would cancel his phone and stop paying for anything for him.
Be firm.
Good luck.
He needs to start acting like an adult. you need have a conversation with him. Tell him you are happy for him to stay but there needs to be some changes.
- his rent increases in line with the increase in living costs.
- he pays for his own phone.
- he needs to pull his weight around the house. Clean up, help with shopping and house chores.
- if you give him lifts he will need to contribute to petrol costs.
good luck. He really is taking the P.
Sorry to be blunt but your son is freeloading off you …..
Working one day a week ?
It’s different if he’s working his back side off etc but clearly he isn’t !
Tough love !
I think she said he works full time and goes into work one day a week. He makes more than enough to be able to save up for a rent/mortgage deposit it seems.
Sorry to be blunt but your son is freeloading off you …..
Working one day a week ?
It’s different if he’s working his back side off etc but clearly he isn’t !
Tough love !
The OP said that her son was working from home (Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Friday) but goes into his workplace on a Thurday.
Not that that will likely change our opinion much but just wanted people to understand the facts of the OP's situation with her son.
As other people are saying, he needs to hear a few home truths, pay his way and stop taking his parents for granted or start preparing to move out. Difficult conversations but necessary if he is going to make a success of his life.
