Am I the AH here?
9 answers /
Last post: 03/02/2024 at 5:00 pm
AITAH???
So - il bullet point this for ease..
- fell over at work and damaged me knee. After a scan it’s shown my kneecap has moved due to arthritis and that I have ligament damage. I haven’t been sleeping or eating and I’m pretty done in.
- yesterday I was getting ready for work. Husband made a comment about going to a funeral and that I need to reasses. He was sarcastic and sniggered when he said it.
Me feeling sensitive dwelled on it on my way to work and send him this message ‘hey - just so you know that upset me a bit this morning. But I hope you have a good day’. (Probably an over reaction.
- doing kids lunchboxes this morning and notice there is one snack left (I thought there were three) so sighed because if I’d have known I’d have gone to the shop. (It’s hubby that’s eaten them but doesn’t tell me there’s x amount left etc) he wasn’t even in the room.
- cue me getting a telling off for sighing and creating an aura. Then a big argument this afternoon ranging from the following:
1. My text saying how I was feeling was a bomb that made him angry.
2. Sighing is petty.
3. I don’t have fun with him during the week. I asked for him to expand on this and he said because I don’t drink occasion with him. He then said it’s what adults do (I’m not a massive drinker since having the kids and I don’t like to drink when he does which is most evenings a week).
Loop back to 1 & 2 a few more times.
I then get told we are broken. He then cries about this and the continues the drinking conversation and we loop back around again.
I have an all out panic attack because I’m tired and the shouting has given me a headache.
He goes to the driving range happy as Larry and has clearly moved on. I’m sat at home feeling like an a hole because reading between the lines I’m clearly a s**t wife and I don’t know how to fix it! I can’t change who I am!!
Have I been a massive petty a hole here??
Yeah seems very petty and pointless
Hi Sarah
I’m Lauren one of the parent supporters here on Netmums. It sounds like things are quite strained between you and your partner at present.
I wonder do you both need a bit of space then some time to have a proper chat about things when the heat is taken out of the situation? Do you get much time to do things as a couple, it’s hard around kids but some time together, doing something nice and trying to work out ways to manage the frustrations could be helpful.
I hope others have some suggestions on what has helped them too
So every little thing you do irritates him and he is happier when he goes out?
Hmm I think you need to ask some questions here and get some marriage counselling.
Is it definite he is going to the driving range?
All the stuff you mention is really petty to bring up with you, they are minor things. Also why are you the only one packing kids lunches, keeping stock of food in the house and why do you get berated for not being given normal info? Sounds a little odd.
If I tell my partner we are low on snacks he gets some when hes out, or he tries to remember to tell me when we are low at least -he doesnt make a row? This is how a normal interaction between equal partners in a house should be?
No. You are not. Life can be a grind. Little inconsiderations can be wearing. Sighing is a way of releasing stress. You are allowed to be fed up and you should be able to express hurt feelings so they don’t get bigger - that’s when resentment seeps in. Sounds like he turns it all back on you to make himself feel better. We can all be a holes at times but, if this is your continuous cycle, then there is a problem. And, no, it’s not you - it’s your dynamic.
Hope you feel a little better. Xxx
So every little thing you do irritates him and he is happier when he goes out?
Hmm I think you need to ask some questions here and get some marriage counselling.
Is it definite he is going to the driving range?
All the stuff you mention is really petty to bring up with you, they are minor things. Also why are you the only one packing kids lunches, keeping stock of food in the house and why do you get berated for not being given normal info? Sounds a little odd.
If I tell my partner we are low on snacks he gets some when hes out, or he tries to remember to tell me when we are low at least -he doesnt make a row? This is how a normal interaction between equal partners in a house should be?
Well that was my first question....is he definitely going to the driving range and who else is at the golf club? Might just be space and alone time to unwind, but mine used to go off with his landrover every weekend and half the time it was an excuse to meet other women. He used to grind me down with criticism day in day out to make me unhappy so he could justify the reason why he would go out and leave me sad and lonely. This went in a cycle for years until he moved out. So much nicer here without that negativity!
I arranged for, paid for and organised marriage counselling over and over and I ended up going to it on my own as he was unwilling to learn and work at the relationship. The counsellor in the end gave me tuition on how to leave as she decided it was hopeless!
You might have more luck than me if both sides are willing to come together to work at being happier together. But it does mean both have to agree it is what you want. It takes 2 to tango as they say. You cant make someone want to be in a sucessful relationship. They have to desire it themselves.
So every little thing you do irritates him and he is happier when he goes out?
Hmm I think you need to ask some questions here and get some marriage counselling.
Is it definite he is going to the driving range?
All the stuff you mention is really petty to bring up with you, they are minor things. Also why are you the only one packing kids lunches, keeping stock of food in the house and why do you get berated for not being given normal info? Sounds a little odd.
If I tell my partner we are low on snacks he gets some when hes out, or he tries to remember to tell me when we are low at least -he doesnt make a row? This is how a normal interaction between equal partners in a house should be?
Absolutely agree, Mimi.
Well that was my first question....is he definitely going to the driving range and who else is at the golf club? Might just be space and alone time to unwind, but mine used to go off with his landrover every weekend and half the time it was an excuse to meet other women. He used to grind me down with criticism day in day out to make me unhappy so he could justify the reason why he would go out and leave me sad and lonely. This went in a cycle for years until he moved out. So much nicer here without that negativity!
I arranged for, paid for and organised marriage counselling over and over and I ended up going to it on my own as he was unwilling to learn and work at the relationship. The counsellor in the end gave me tuition on how to leave as she decided it was hopeless!
You might have more luck than me if both sides are willing to come together to work at being happier together. But it does mean both have to agree it is what you want. It takes 2 to tango as they say. You cant make someone want to be in a sucessful relationship. They have to desire it themselves.
Hazel this is an exact mirror of what happened to me.
Trigger warning for the below.
The narcissist cycle of dehumanise us, devalue, destabilise, destroy MH and reputation and discard us is what you describe here - it gives them an excellent narrative to take to the new one to say “my wife is horrible”. He even told family I had thrown him out when Id begged for answers, asked his family if he was ok, paid for marriage counselling (that he lied at) and then asked him to stay at a friends when I discovered her and asked him to take time at a friends to decide what he wanted more and he was the one who told me he wasnt coming back except to get his stuff.
This approach is well known and documented and it wrecks MH.
No, you are not the AH here. You are being emotionally abused. Are you being financially abused still? You've said before that you'd had enough and wanted to leave him. Correct me if I'm wrong, but it sounds like nothing has changed and you are still in the same rut.
The longer you stay, the more damage you risk doing to your children, who will think this is all normal in relationships.
The more damage you do to yourself and your general health and wellbeing. More sadness and self doubt. More panic attacks.
Did you contact Women's Aid or a solicitor?
My advice? Do not waste any more time or energy on any of this petty stuff. The writing is on the wall. Life is too short to waste it on living a life of misery with someone (who I think you must know now), will never change.
