Bottom has fallen out of my world
11 answers /
Last post: 07/01/2024 at 11:01 pm
My 14 year old son and his girlfriend have been caught out blatantly lying to me, conniving and plotting to basically get their own way. She was supposed to be staying over but when they finally arrived home really late with the ingredients for dinner (I sent them as she is a picky eater and I hadn't shopped yet as it was New Year) I then had to start cooking after 9pm. They claimed they didn't know it was dinner, I later discovered his Dad had taken them to MacDonalds and then back to his house. Son knew we needed to eat and get an early night as DH had very early start the next morning. The backchat, insolence and blatant lies they poured out really upset me. I said she was not staying and that I'd drive her home. Then it really blew up beyond all proportion. He packed a bag, rang his father (who then called me to tear several strips off me as is his way, he always takes the side of DS and will do anything to be his "friend") and appeared with her when I said it was time to go. She claimed she couldn't get in the house because her Mum and Gran had gone to bed and were not answering the phone. When we got to her house the lights were on. They got out of the car and stood around in the dark, he'd claimed Dad was on his way. I called his father, not true. My DH then knocked on the door and her mother opened it. We then took DS to his fathers house. Dad does not set boundaries and my worry is that his school work will suffer (start of GCSE years) and he'll go off the rails. Dad has not supported me in parenting at any point, we separated when he was 4 and I've had to parent alone re discipline and boundaries etc). Should he decide to come home, I can see a my life being hell, he will forever put me over a barrel to get his own way, if I don't give in he'll go to live with his dad, who incidentally he has never respected because of the way he's treated me over the years. I love him beyond belief, this has destroyed me. His dad is ignoring my text asking if he's ok. Guess he's now got what he wants, they both have.
What do I do? DH is lovely, he's just not emotionally available when I'm so upset. Can anyone help me, please?
Hi Debbie,
I'm Catherine, one of the Parent Supporters here at Netmums. Sorry to hear how tough things have been in the last few days with your son. I've asked for your post to be moved in our drop in clinic where I think you will get more support. Debbie, it sounds like you and DH have tried to put in a boundary and consequence for your son and you are worried that he and his dad may try to use this against you. Does that sound right? Debbie, I can hear how worried you are for him but you sound like you are doing your best to raise your son and you have his best interests at heart. With teenagers, that often means holding a firm line but that can be really hard as parents. If things settle in a day or two, could you reach out again to your son and maybe try arranging to see him? Perhaps somewhere neutral?
In the meantime, do you have any friends or family to lean on? Could you do take some time out for yourself to relax and focus your own wellbeing? Hopefully some of our lovely community will be along soon to offer support but please come back to us if you would like to chat some more.
Catherine
Hi Debbie,
I'm Catherine, one of the Parent Supporters here at Netmums. Sorry to hear how tough things have been in the last few days with your son. I've asked for your post to be moved in our drop in clinic where I think you will get more support. Debbie, it sounds like you and DH have tried to put in a boundary and consequence for your son and you are worried that he and his dad may try to use this against you. Does that sound right? Debbie, I can hear how worried you are for him but you sound like you are doing your best to raise your son and you have his best interests at heart. With teenagers, that often means holding a firm line but that can be really hard as parents. If things settle in a day or two, could you reach out again to your son and maybe try arranging to see him? Perhaps somewhere neutral?
In the meantime, do you have any friends or family to lean on? Could you do take some time out for yourself to relax and focus your own wellbeing? Hopefully some of our lovely community will be along soon to offer support but please come back to us if you would like to chat some more.
Catherine
Thank you for your kindness.
you pretty much summed it up.
I’m hoping his father will meet with us to discuss things. DS does not have much of a relationship or bond with his dad, but dad will fuel the fire as he blames me for this. With limited parenting skills, it’s so hard getting him to agree that boundaries add consequences are truly important. He’s a growly and intimidating man who sees shouting as acceptable. He gets wound up when he hears something he doesn’t like, shuts it down with ‘all I care about is my son’ telling me it’s my fault and that I can’t get along with him because we’re so alike. DS has latched on to this, he messaged saying he’d like to meet sometime one to one to get a better mother son relationship before we can’t be friends anymore. These are not the words he would ever write, either those of his dad or his girlfriend who appears to be very much in control.
Hi Debbie,
We've moved your thread into our drop-in clinic child mental health, so you can get the advice and support you need
oh mama i could of written this myself i've been through this. my ex is also the same hos house is a arty house and wants to be the kids friend not their parent. my first two kids aren't his but we're raised by him as dad on the weekends and my third child is his. on the only one who put boundaries in place ect so he is of course the favoured parent. my daughter just before turned 17 we had a argument over the state of her room she left to live with him we didn't talk for around a year as she hated me i grieved a lot it's been two years now and we have better relationship and now she hates it at her dads and just moans about being there all the time moans it's dirty ect i've offered her to come home but tbh there's not a lot of room so she doesn't want to (i have 5 kids) now my third child is all his dad i've had a nightmare year with him, always wants to be at his dads and do you know what i've just let him im not fighting anymore. he's started to calm down tbh and as much as there's no boundaries at his dads he will just have to learn for himself the hard way i've tried and sometimes you have to prioritise your own mental health.
oh mama i could of written this myself i've been through this. my ex is also the same hos house is a arty house and wants to be the kids friend not their parent. my first two kids aren't his but we're raised by him as dad on the weekends and my third child is his. on the only one who put boundaries in place ect so he is of course the favoured parent. my daughter just before turned 17 we had a argument over the state of her room she left to live with him we didn't talk for around a year as she hated me i grieved a lot it's been two years now and we have better relationship and now she hates it at her dads and just moans about being there all the time moans it's dirty ect i've offered her to come home but tbh there's not a lot of room so she doesn't want to (i have 5 kids) now my third child is all his dad i've had a nightmare year with him, always wants to be at his dads and do you know what i've just let him im not fighting anymore. he's started to calm down tbh and as much as there's no boundaries at his dads he will just have to learn for himself the hard way i've tried and sometimes you have to prioritise your own mental health.
also i've cut contect with their dad blocked him and have zero contact he can't do parent with me anyways so what's the point of us even talking and i've gotta say my mental health has improved dramatically
also i've cut contect with their dad blocked him and have zero contact he can't do parent with me anyways so what's the point of us even talking and i've gotta say my mental health has improved dramatically
Thank you so much for your reply, I’ve been wallowing in misery for a nearly week now. Still not a word from his father, I feel that says it all really. All future communication with him will be only on an absolutely necessary basis and by text or email. My understanding DH has opened our home to him for all the celebrations, we’ve had him sit at our table every birthday and Christmas for the last 10 years. Even our wedding - he invited himself! We were too polite to say no. We must be total idiots. His actions have sadly lost that privilege. We did it for the sake of DS, we wanted him to grow up knowing that even when grown ups fall out, they can be adults about it when it’s the right thing to do. Clearly that isn’t seen, oddly the loss of it will be. I’m trying to not be so upset, I have a career and a life too, again that isn’t seen. I’m going to sit back and watch and wait, I’m pretty confident that his dear dad will mess up, relationships are not his strong point, he’s never lasted in any for any significant period of time so feel it’s inevitable. They can’t get through a week without an argument. When we finally sit down, I’m going to explain his actions caused a problem, what that was, how it’s hurt us. Ask him to think about how he’s gone agains our family values and what he thinks of that, how to make better choices and become a better person. If he wishes to be an adult he has to accept that this is the adult resolution to moving forwards. Should he want to come home there will be a loss of a privilege for a definite period of time. At the end of that period, we will sit and discuss how he plans to do things differently. We will then explain that any future threats of leaving when he can’t get his own way will not be acceptable on any level. Thought is to throw it all back on his side of the fence, there is a way back but he needs to take responsibility for his actions first.
I hope with all my heart that you get your happy ending sooner rather than later, and I send my gratitude to you for your help xxx
Thank you so much for your reply, I’ve been wallowing in misery for a nearly week now. Still not a word from his father, I feel that says it all really. All future communication with him will be only on an absolutely necessary basis and by text or email. My understanding DH has opened our home to him for all the celebrations, we’ve had him sit at our table every birthday and Christmas for the last 10 years. Even our wedding - he invited himself! We were too polite to say no. We must be total idiots. His actions have sadly lost that privilege. We did it for the sake of DS, we wanted him to grow up knowing that even when grown ups fall out, they can be adults about it when it’s the right thing to do. Clearly that isn’t seen, oddly the loss of it will be. I’m trying to not be so upset, I have a career and a life too, again that isn’t seen. I’m going to sit back and watch and wait, I’m pretty confident that his dear dad will mess up, relationships are not his strong point, he’s never lasted in any for any significant period of time so feel it’s inevitable. They can’t get through a week without an argument. When we finally sit down, I’m going to explain his actions caused a problem, what that was, how it’s hurt us. Ask him to think about how he’s gone agains our family values and what he thinks of that, how to make better choices and become a better person. If he wishes to be an adult he has to accept that this is the adult resolution to moving forwards. Should he want to come home there will be a loss of a privilege for a definite period of time. At the end of that period, we will sit and discuss how he plans to do things differently. We will then explain that any future threats of leaving when he can’t get his own way will not be acceptable on any level. Thought is to throw it all back on his side of the fence, there is a way back but he needs to take responsibility for his actions first.
I hope with all my heart that you get your happy ending sooner rather than later, and I send my gratitude to you for your help xxx
We have been the same my ex and his family have joined us for meals out on kids birthdays always been invited to parties ect done everything to try and be the grown up even though my ex has abused me for the last 17 years luckily my third child is now 15 and 2023 i stopped with him coming for meals for bdays ect as i'm sick to death of him. i'm married been with husband for 11 years and 6 years married with another 2 kids and still had to put up with him. life is more peaceful now i have him blocked. i'm lucky to be really close with his mom so if i need to pass a message on i do through her which helps. could that be a option for you? wishing you all the luck on the world moving forward, having teens is really tough i had three kids three and under and i didn't think these teen years through but hopefully nearly out of it haha good luck lovely xx
We have been the same my ex and his family have joined us for meals out on kids birthdays always been invited to parties ect done everything to try and be the grown up even though my ex has abused me for the last 17 years luckily my third child is now 15 and 2023 i stopped with him coming for meals for bdays ect as i'm sick to death of him. i'm married been with husband for 11 years and 6 years married with another 2 kids and still had to put up with him. life is more peaceful now i have him blocked. i'm lucky to be really close with his mom so if i need to pass a message on i do through her which helps. could that be a option for you? wishing you all the luck on the world moving forward, having teens is really tough i had three kids three and under and i didn't think these teen years through but hopefully nearly out of it haha good luck lovely xx
Are we related? Sounds like we’re two of the same kind 😂😂
How about you keep all your fingers and toes crossed for me and I’ll do the same for you?
Take care lovely lady, I’ll pray the day will come for us both when the penny drops and they turn round and say “ I get it now and I’m so sorry. Thanks for all you did bringing me up”
Good luck xx
Are we related? Sounds like we’re two of the same kind 😂😂
How about you keep all your fingers and toes crossed for me and I’ll do the same for you?
Take care lovely lady, I’ll pray the day will come for us both when the penny drops and they turn round and say “ I get it now and I’m so sorry. Thanks for all you did bringing me up”
Good luck xx
seriously it's why i had to reply i even said to my husband this lady seems to be going through exactly the same. just know you're not alone and you're right one day the penny will drop and they will see that all we wanted is the absolute best for them. good luck xx
seriously it's why i had to reply i even said to my husband this lady seems to be going through exactly the same. just know you're not alone and you're right one day the penny will drop and they will see that all we wanted is the absolute best for them. good luck xx
I’ve got a shoulder or two should you ever need one…. Or two🙂 xxx
