Heartbroken is an understatement

Hi Mel

I'm Catherine, one of the Parent Supporters here at Netmums. How are you this evening? I can hear how hurt and upset you are by what your husband has said to you. Mel, it's completely understandable, particularly because it feels like it has come out of the blue. It sounds like you aren't sure where you stand at the moment with him. What do you want Mel? Have you been able to chat to any family or friends about what is going on?

Mel, would it be helpful to have a chat to someone neutral, such as a counsellor? Relate offer individual and couples therapy and it might be a useful space to explore what you both want. Here is the link: Counselling services | Relate

Hopefully some of our lovely community will be along soon to offer support but do come back to us if you would like to chat some more.

Catherine

Hi I totally understand how you feel! Mine has said the same thing and I’ve been with him since 2001 !! He want’s custody and the house !! I can’t to my mums other!

Hi Amy,

I'm Loraine, one of the Netmums' Parent Supporters.

Thank you for posting on Mel's thread. You haven't given us much information, but if you wanted to start your own thread on this board, we might be able to offer you some support.

Best Wishes.

Loraine x

I don't mean to be blunt, but Do you think while you were pregnant he took another lover / Mistress.

I'd definitely try and find this out.

Men really leave unless they have another lined up. And it seems odd to be so cold all of a sudden.

I feel so sorry for you with a new baby. Hope you can work it out, but if I was you Don't leave, tell him if the relationship is over he needs to go, not you.

You haven't mentioned how you feel about him? Obviously it would be a financial nightmare but is that your biggest worry or losing your marriage? If neither if you are invested in your marriage and then a child comes along it will crumble because you have a new focus outside of each other. I would suggest counselling so you can actually talk to each other and not just go through the motions of family life for the little one.x

Have you thought about shared ownership that mignt be a cost effective option. I agree it will be tough living with him

but it seems like your options are limited at the moment. Start looking in to what benefits you might be entitled to x

Hey,

you haven’t said too much about the details of finances or your husbands finances but I would urge you to get some legal advice. If husband is on a good income then spousal maintenance may be possible or the possibility of a mesher order.

don’t be bullied into anything !

If I were you I would look into getting some free legal advice as soon as possible. That might be able to shed some light on your situation and your options and give you some more knowledge to make the right decision for you. Definetely find out what you could be entitled to in different scenarios and if the savings are an issue, maybe wait to make any drastic decisions until after you've gone back to work and look at your savings situation. As you said that would be taken into account for any application for benefits that you make. But definitely get some legal advise that could look at different scenarios and what's going to be the best solution for you.

I'm sorry this is happening especially since he's said he felt this way prior to your marriage. Its not the logical thing to do to then marry someone, but a house and have a baby if you're not happy, but perhaps he thought those things might bring you closer together, only he knows the answer to that.

All I can say is I myself privately rent in Greater London as a lone parent to 3 children, one with ASD, working part time and getting topped up with Universal Credit. It is difficult financially and there are definitely things we have to go without, but we make it work as best we can. There's a lot of love in our house to make up for the luxuries etc that we can't afford.

I know it's obviously a shock to you to hear this, but you have no obligation to continue living with him if you find out there are other options for you. I was given a similar option to stay living with my ex for financial security, but all in all it would have killed me staying there knowing he was pursuing other women and no space to grieve or move on. Ultimately it would have been a big hit on my mental health and I wasn't prepared to do that to myself or the effect it would have on my children as a result. As I said that's meant that financially we are alot more stretched but overall our home is a happy place with a happy Mum despite the difficulties.

He has cheated and the guilt is making him say these things so you now are the one to start trying hard “to save the relationship and stay with him” he doesn’t want to have the responsibility of coming up to you that he had something whilst you were pregnant and. Ow wants to gaslight you. I will say tell him to leave and see how the tables turn. Tell him that you deserve better than roommates and all this is weird. He wants to eat his cake and have it. Get him out. Help will come for you somehow but you will only be denying yourself of a healthy relationship and a honest man. I am sorry this has happened but men start acting this way when there a misdemeanour has occurred.

I love him and would want nothing more than to go back to the way we were before. It just felt so sudden, we have so many plans as a couple and a family coming up this year. We even briefly discussed baby #2 when our little one was born as all the midwives and nurses would joke about it and he was all for another. He’s just being so confusing. He’s enquired about counselling and says we should go. But then I asked him to go to a baby market with me to pick up some bits for our son and he’s being weird about going. He’s just giving me lots of mixed signals I don’t know where I stand.

You seem to be pretty good as gaslighting yourself!

If he's agreed to the counselling get it booked in ASAP. Don't try to make plans for other trips out etc as there is clearly a problem and you will both be on edge and play acting until its discussed. Dont focus on what it could be because there's a huge list. Before counselling focus on yourself, hurt and nit picking at what he does or doesn't do won't be too helpful. Your relationship with have changed after a little one. This will have affected him as well as you. It's not uncommon for men to feel pushed out or overwhelmed. Try to view the relationship from both sides prior to counselling and it will make it easier to communicate. Ignore the muppets saying he's bad or cheated. They don't know either of you and it will cloud your judgement. X

This is exactly what happened with my ex husband. Shortly after birth of my second he was having an affair, went on months, I found out not through him telling me but me having to be detective just before my daughters first birthday.

I think its one of the most disgusting ways to behave to lead a double life when you know someone loves and cares for you. They should be honest about things, because the MH impacts are huge. They always get found out because the pressure and stress of lying is too much to bear.

It happened to me, this is what I did.

First I found out about the other woman, which may or may not be the case here and then asked him to move in with a friend to think things over

He decided he wasnt coming back and I stayed in the house with my older child and baby

I applied for benefits immediately and told him he needed to cover us financially until I had those

i spoke to a lawyer who told me to go to CMS straight away as all these things take time to set up and also you dont want the worry of not knowing what you will be given monthly

I had counselling with Relate to get past it, Ive also had MH help in the form of therapy as this is a really hard vulnerable time for you and any woman.

I started divorce proceedings as he wasnt going to call all the shots.

My kids got older, I got a job, I met someone else and now I am glad he left as he was holding me back from being the woman I am today.

I am proud of myself and my kids, and you will be too!

Hold on.

Things change.

You can do this. X