Ive been given community service for being on a low income!
11 answers /
Last post: 03/07/2023 at 2:41 pm
I’m looking for advice, after being given 50 hours community service because I can’t afford to pay for my ex's contact.
Me and my ex have been back and forth to court for several years. It started when I asked him to take on his own contact arrangements. The children are now 11 and 13.
I left him when the children were 1 and 3, because he was an alcoholic and abusive. His contact at that time was having them for tea once a week, he would constantly cancel visit, turn up still drunk or too hungover to care for them, so 3 years later, I moved to be nearer my family.
For 3 and a half years I then drove the children, the 4 hour journey to him and collected them, twice a year as I struggle with long distance driving I would drive down, stay overnight in a hotel and drive back the next day, then go back 1 week later and stay overnight again. At my own expense, I was a single mum on benefits and he paid no maintenance to me. It then became too much for me, as I would get too tired to drive that distance due to a medical condition and I also could no longer afford it.
I asked him to take on his own contact 4 years ago, he refused and took me to court. The order was made that I would do one of the journeys and he would do the other journey, 3 x a year, however I have told Court that I do not have the funds to pay for the train journey as it is too expensive during holidays, I cannot do the drives anymore due to medical conditions and have no one else to help. I originally agreed to the order based him paying maintenance, so I could use this for the journeys, however, He now only pays £29 a month, for 2 children, which is nowhere near enough to cover the journeys and it's not even guaranteed I get the payment every month. He is on Benefits and claims to be a carer for his wife and her children. Neither of them work, he and his wife smoke and he has just had a baby!
I have not been able to afford his contact, as I still only work part time. This last year I have been on maternity leave, so am even worse off and now I’ll have childcare to pay for out of my wage. With the cost of living crisis we are on a really tight budget as a family. I’ve continued to tell court I cannot afford to facilitate his contact when I am struggling to pay for food, petrol, heating and clothing. My partner has 4 children, plus our new baby to look after and has to cover the short fall for my 2 children as well because their own father won’t provide for them. Every month I am overdrawn, I have no spare money to pay for train journeys.
The Court and Cafcass has criticised me several times for starting a new family. He is never criticised in court for having a new family, for not working and for having a new baby, even though he cant provide for his own 2 children!
How can I get the court to understand that the children’s basic everyday needs have to come first. I have no-where to cut cost, as I already have more outgoings, then coming in. I’ve told court over and over that I cannot follow the order, it was put in place under condition that haven’t been met and it needs changing. I have told him he can have the children every holiday, if he just does both journeys, but he continues to refuse, preferring to see me in court.
I’m mortified that I have now been given community service and the order has been left in place, even though the children told Cafcass they don’t want to visit for a full week and I have proven I can’t afford it. I am not stopping him having the children and I have asked for the order to be changed. Is it possible to get a financial hearing? Why am I being punished when I have not stopped him having children?
The reason you’ve been given community service is because you moved the kids four hours away from their father.
as you made that decision the travel does come down to you. as you’re not travelling it can lead to community service as a failure on your end.
I moved countries with my children. And I have to pay travel 7 hours away for when they visit their father.
as it was my choice to move. It then falls down to me to provide travel.
I completely get that it is unaffordable. Especially with the cost of living. Would you consider to move closer? As it looks that maybe the only option other than travelling all the time.
The problem is that you made the move without considering the kids contact with their father. I understand it was to be closer to your support network so it's easier for you, but the court doesn't care about that. All they care about is the children and the removal of contact is harmful for them.
The solution is to move closer to lower the costs or to come to some arrangement with father. I'm not saying any of this to be mean or rude btw, but its just how it is. The kids deserve contact with their father no matter how inconvenient or expensive it is for you and its your job to do your part with facilitating it because its best for the kids.
I feel that some on here are actually being really unsympathetic to this situation here and acting as if life is black and white. I'm afraid the majority have not acknowledged the father was abusive and put children in danger in their younger years when he would of tried to look after them whilst drunk?? Probably also drunk drove if he was an alcoholic and drove to pick them up. I think this is something she should raise again should the father still be an alcoholic. For her own mental health and probably for other reasons such as being closer to family or supportive network or securing better finances the mother made the decision to move and over years everyone's circumstances change. Give her some support she's done the journeys, she has supported the children having contact ( I wouldn't personally based on alcoholism and not knowing if my children would be safe) but her finances have changed and people of here are quick to judge. Cost of living higher than ever, people struggling with debt and unable to escape debt and whilst the courts and cafcass makes suggestions they also should be acknowledging a person's financial circumstances, its alright putting things in place but they shouldn't be putting anyone in financial hardship, mothers or fathers. The whole system is messed up and unrealistic. Fair enough she has moved but if the father has income he should be expected and willing to pay more for his children. What system thinks it's acceptable for one parent to only contribute under 30 pounds per month for the upkeep of two children. She has a job she is on maternity leave father is clearly not working to pay that amount of money per month! Why isn't anyone mentioning the fact he should step up get a decent job and pay his way! Rant over..but people before you type don't be so quick to judge. This mother has reached out for help and support not to be bashed...if you can't say anything nice or supportive then don't say anything at all! Has anyone thought of the fact she has a young baby and is probably mentally and physically exhausted without dealing with years of court!! I dealt with my ex and court for 2 years and trust me it was a drawn out horrible process!
I'm sorry that people are being so rude and unsympathetic
I feel that some on here are actually being really unsympathetic to this situation here and acting as if life is black and white. I'm afraid the majority have not acknowledged the father was abusive and put children in danger in their younger years when he would of tried to look after them whilst drunk?? Probably also drunk drove if he was an alcoholic and drove to pick them up. I think this is something she should raise again should the father still be an alcoholic. For her own mental health and probably for other reasons such as being closer to family or supportive network or securing better finances the mother made the decision to move and over years everyone's circumstances change. Give her some support she's done the journeys, she has supported the children having contact ( I wouldn't personally based on alcoholism and not knowing if my children would be safe) but her finances have changed and people of here are quick to judge. Cost of living higher than ever, people struggling with debt and unable to escape debt and whilst the courts and cafcass makes suggestions they also should be acknowledging a person's financial circumstances, its alright putting things in place but they shouldn't be putting anyone in financial hardship, mothers or fathers. The whole system is messed up and unrealistic. Fair enough she has moved but if the father has income he should be expected and willing to pay more for his children. What system thinks it's acceptable for one parent to only contribute under 30 pounds per month for the upkeep of two children. She has a job she is on maternity leave father is clearly not working to pay that amount of money per month! Why isn't anyone mentioning the fact he should step up get a decent job and pay his way! Rant over..but people before you type don't be so quick to judge. This mother has reached out for help and support not to be bashed...if you can't say anything nice or supportive then don't say anything at all! Has anyone thought of the fact she has a young baby and is probably mentally and physically exhausted without dealing with years of court!! I dealt with my ex and court for 2 years and trust me it was a drawn out horrible process!
I'm sorry that people are being so rude and unsympathetic
Thank you for your support. You don't know how much this means to me.
Xx
The problem is that you made the move without considering the kids contact with their father. I understand it was to be closer to your support network so it's easier for you, but the court doesn't care about that. All they care about is the children and the removal of contact is harmful for them.
The solution is to move closer to lower the costs or to come to some arrangement with father. I'm not saying any of this to be mean or rude btw, but its just how it is. The kids deserve contact with their father no matter how inconvenient or expensive it is for you and its your job to do your part with facilitating it because its best for the kids.
The problem was there was no significant contact with the children when I lived in the same town. In the 3 years He only had them overnight for 1 night a week for 6 months, he wouldn’t do anymore in the holidays and brought them back to me at 9am cause he was tired! His 'days' with them started when he rolled out of bed in the afternoon and ended at 6pm. He would constantly cancel or turn up drunk. He didn’t once see them on Christmas day, as he would be still drunk in the morning from the night before and then carried on drinking in the afternoon.
When I moved I did both journeys twice a year for 3 and a half years all at my own expense.
My issue with the court is that I am not preventing him seeing them, I have simply asked that he arrange contact for himself, I'm not even asking for more maintenance! I just want him to take on that one responsibility. But I'm banging my head against a brick wall and no one is listening to me. I don't think I'm being unreasonable as one parent asking the other parent to help with one aspect of their lives when he contributesnothing else! He could be seeing them, as much as he wants, but instead has just continues to take me to court, when I cannot increase my part time wage at the moment and all my finances go on raising my children.
Hugs to you. You sound really stressed, I'm sorry you're going through this.
What did cafcass say about his drinking etc and his behaviour around the kids? For them to never criticise him I assumed that meant they have no safeguarding concerns?
Hugs to you. You sound really stressed, I'm sorry you're going through this.
What did cafcass say about his drinking etc and his behaviour around the kids? For them to never criticise him I assumed that meant they have no safeguarding concerns?
Cafcass have no problems with him, he claims he doesn't drink now ( 4 years passed and he has a new wife now and baby) even if he has changed now, at the time i moved,I was on my own with no family around me and he was showing no interest in the boys
When I told them he is aggressive towards me, their response was 'well he wasn't aggressive to me!' Which he is not going to be.
Cafcass and the court seem to have no issues with him not providing for his children and leaving me to cover all cost of 2 growing boys and expect me to fund his contact too.
You have two children, struggling financially due to your decision to move, and are now pregnant again?
Periodically in life we have to feed from the banquet of the consequences of our decisions.
The court and cafcass aren't interested in the money side, only in the kids. Money is an adult issue. Csa is there for you to sort that side out, it shouldn't come in to kids contact
I'm so sorry I know its not what you want to hear and I know you didn't ask to be in this situation.
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