son is very badly behaved but only at school

Hi

Maybe the work is too easy and he's getting bored? It may be worth asking the school to refer him to the educational psycologist or see your own doctor or the school nurse - call everyone and anyone you can think of that have links to the school - behaviour support and parent partnership - most of these places dont want to know until the child is excluded or in secondary school but its not acceptable to wait until it gets that bad they need to do more now, be persistent - charts only work with some children they need to try different strategies.

If the behaviour is only at school, maybe its something at school that he isnt happy with?

For one reason or another, some children just really really dislike the whole atmosphere of school.

You've said your son is bright and behaves well everywhere else except school. His teacher feels he isn't going to learn anything at this rate. If he stays there, all he's likely to learn is that he is naughty and is a failure. He deserves a better start to his education. Clearly there's nothing wrong with him, this just isn't the right place for him to be right now.

At the moment, do you feel your son is getting anything at all out of going to school? If not, why not take him out for a while, and maybe try again in a few years? Five is very young - in many countries, children your son's age wouldn't even be at school yet - and some children just don't get on with school at five. If you are in a position to home educate, it sounds like that would suit your son. Schoolhouse Home Education Association - Home Education in Scotland - Information, support and resources is the main Scottish home education website. They can give you advice about requesting permission to deregister your son from school and how to go about home education. Parents have great flexibility in deciding how to educate their children, so you can choose whatever method suits your child, whether that's learning through play or a formal bought-in curriculum or project work, anything that makes sense to you really.

If he is well-behaved at home and at sports club and only mis-behaves at school......then I would say that it sounds like there is a problem at school. The school should be supporting you and your son - trying to get the root of the problem of why he is unsettled and misbehaving at school and then devising strategies to help him.  You need to have a meeting with the teacher and/or possibly the head and try and get their support.
If they can't meet his needs and give him and you their support then you may have to consider changing schools?

I agree ADHD AND AURTISM IS NOT SOMTHING YOU CAN TURN ON AND OFF he would be the same in all settings if he had either of these seems like the school is not meeting his needs schools are one size fits all and are ment for the majorty of children seems like your son may not fit the mould i have a similar issue with my son as well

It sounds like school is a major problem for him and perhaps he is stuck in a cycle of bad behaviour now. He behaves badly and loses friends and priveledges so in response he behaves badly again. I think as Sara says perhaps a break from school or even changin to a different school may be a good idea. If he is well behaved at home and elsewhere then the problems is obviously the school and I think the danger is that if it isnt dealt with it will start to spread to other areas of his life.

Hi

It sounds like you son is getting lots of attention for his negative behaviour.  Could you ask the teacher to start a home-school communication book rather than keep calling you in.  

I would also say that the reward chat doesn't work because the time limits are too long and it has not been personalised for your son.  What happens if he gets lots of green?  Maybe the traffic light system doesn't motivate him?  If he is into sports why doesn't the teacher focus on him earning sports stickers for positive behaviour?

Your son could well be bored with what is going on in class.  Is he being challenged enough?  Some children display negative behaviours when they are nervous and anxious - could this be a cause?  

Please let us know how things go.  

Emma

Hello there

I agree with what others have written about considering home education, but if you are unable to do that, or would like to give school a longer chance, my only thought is, is the work challenging him enough, If a child is very bright and they are not being challenged they often misbehave.

If my daughter comes home in s foul mood, it's often because they've done maths that day,and she found it too easy. She gets frustrated and therefore misbehaves. It doesn't happen that often now, but when she does come home like that, I have a workbook or printout for her that I put on the side. I tell her it's there if she would like to do it, and 9 times out of 10 she completes some and then she is less frustrated.

Just a thought.

Oh, another thought, lol, has he had his eyesight checked and hearing?? My son has eyesight problems, and my daughter has glue ear. Worth a check.

Hello everyone,

Thank you all for your replies and advice, im sorry it's taken me so long to get back to you all.

Over the weekend I've found out the reason why he's behaving like this, I think so anyway seeing as he'd lied to us before.

He told me that it's no fun at school because he gets told what to do and can't play! We had a long chat about it and he thought it would be like nursery only he'd be there all day and have his lunch there.  He can't seem to adjust and realise that he has to do his lessons too.  The only one he likes is gym.

Maybe it is because children start school early here compared to other countries, he is a very bright boy but still very young in a lot of ways and just wants to be silly and have fun.

I've tried to drum it into him the importance of learning and how at school he is there to do his lessons but also play at the appropriate times.  I've told him that if he sticks in at school and does his work without scribbling over it, distracting the class etc we will see about other sports clubs and activities he can do out of school.  He will only get to do this if he stops all the bad behaviour at school.

He has told me that when he does do his work it's boring because he's often finished first and has to sit till the others finish.  Im going to speak to his teacher about this because if this is the case then surely she could provide him with something extra so he's not sitting around distracting the other children.

I do agree that he's stuck in a cycle of bad behaviour now and perhaps can't see a way out of it.  He doesn't seem to mind our punishments now, it's like he doesn't care.  This weekend we were going to take him to a firework display but didn't, also he's had no treats like sweets and he hasn't been allowed to play his ds either.  He didn't make a fuss about any of this just accepted it.  He was a bit put out about not getting to the fireworks but nothing major.

Home schooling isn't an option im afraid as both myself and my dh work although im beginning to wish that maybe it was.  I just don't know what to do and I fear that im going about it all the wrong way with him.

He had his hearing and eyesight checked last year at nursery and there were no problems so it's not that.

He's away to school now and I just hope it's sunk in what I've said about the importance of doing his school work and that there is a time and place for fun.  I never imagined this would ever happen, I thought he would get on great at school.

Thank you everyone for your support and advice, am I doing the right thing with his punishments at home or do you think I should go about things a different way? also do you think it's a good idea to do what im doing with going on about the importance of education? I've been like a stuck record.  

Also could I point out that I know adhd etc can't be turned on and off.  I didn't explain myself in my original post but what I meant was that in the beginning I though maybe it was that.  This was before I read up about it and what the signs and symptoms are.  I know 100% it isn't that, sorry for any confusion.

I meant to say that we're going to see the headmaster tomorrow after school.  My dh had originally made the appt when we thought our ds was being bullied.
We're going to discuss all this with him and see if he can come up with anything to help.

Hi everyone

I got taken aside in the playground after school by ds's teacher to say he'd been absolutely impossible today. He'd been singing, talking and laughing and really cheeky to the teacher when she told him to be quiet.  
The other children in his class were telling to be quiet too apparently so my ds started slapping his face and giggling

I just don't know what to do, nothing I've said to him has sunk in.  He promised and promised he'd behave today and hasn't at all, didn't even try.

I sent him to his room when we got home, im so upset and disappointed with him.  Im also very confused and worried as to what on earth is making him like this, it's like a totally different child to what I know.

I brought him out of his room for his tea which he ate some of, left the veg as usual and now my dh is getting him to bed which is obviously early but we just don't know what to do.  
Im so upset by it all

Holly

Sounds like you are having a hard time of it just now

Is there anyone else in your family that he would listen to? Your Mum or Dad maybe? When I was younger, although a lot older that he is, my Mum would always get my Grandad to talk things through with me because she knew that he would be the only one I'd even attempt to listen to.

Also I agree with you, if he is finding his work too easy and is finishing quickly then the teacher should be doing something about it.

Would be upset if he couldn't go to his sport activities? I know it's a bit drastic and maybe wouldn't work if you have already paid for it but thats what I would think taking away next, even if it's just one session he misses.

Hope things improve for you

xx

Has the teacher commented on his work? Is he completing it easily? Does he need stretching or is he using his behaviour to mask the fact he isnt doing the work? You need to clarify this with the teacher. Is he not understanding something and masking it with his behaviour?? What work is he doing at home? Will he do any work that you give him at home? is he any better on a 1 to 1 basis? Is it the attention he is craving?

Can he recognise colours? Does he recognise his letters? Does he respond better to being given instructions verbally or does he need them written down?
Would he rather be told off for being silly than be considered stupid by the other children for not be able to do the work?
Sit down with him and go through the class and ask him to say something  good about each child and also himself and see where he thinks he fits in? Ask him what the other children would say about him? Ask him what the best thing they could say about him is and the worse? Try to see what attributes he would hate and work out why

Although he is being silly and distracting the other children he does not seem to be violent or nasty which is a positive attribute. You just need to isolate the problem he is distracting you away from. good luck

Hiya

Thanks for the suggestions, im just at a total loss to what's wrong dh is too.

Kelli - that's a good idea about someone else talking to him, he would listen to my dad (I think anyway) I've told my dad about what's going on at school but haven't suggested him talking to him about it yet.  Will ask him to though.  He does love his sports club and it isn't all paid for, you pay for each session on the day.  He gets a lot out of it though and I've just been thinking he's the youngest one there, he seems to like being around older kids.  

He's the oldest child in his class at school. There are two primary 1 classes at his school.  The one he's not in is for the children who had already turned 5 before the school year started and he's in with the younger ones but he turned 5 about a week after starting school so the majority of the kids in his class are still 4.  Im wondering if that has something to do with it?  Think im clutching at straws though

Linda - The teacher says that when he does settle down and do his work he completes it easily.  A lot of the time she has had to separate him from the rest of the class because he was being so disruptive and when on a 1 to 1 basis he's great.  He will do any work given at home.  He struggles a bit with his writing but nothing major that makes me think that is the problem.
He knows all his colours, has done from a very young age.  I also have an almost 3 year old dd and she doesn't know her colours yet apart from pink and I remember my ds knowing them long before her age.  He also knows all his letters and can write them although prefers to write capital letters which isn't ideal. He's good with numbers too and can do simple mathematics.
Im not sure if he responds better to things being written down or given verbally, I think verbally but because he's not listening at school half the time he doesn't know what he's to do.

He has a work book that he completes some at school and some at home and I've noticed that with anything he's to colour in he does it really nicely and neatly at home but when he's coloured something in at school it's a complete scribble and all over the place which looks deliberate.

I do think that it's true what you're saying that he's using his behaviour to mask something though but im stumped as to what that something is.  He said again about school not being like nursery and he wishes he was back at nursery.  
 
It's a good idea about sitting him down and going through his class asking them to say something good about each child and what the will think of him and where he fits in.  He has mentioned that a couple of children are saying his name including surname then laughing! Don't know what that is all about.

It's true that he's not violent, he's never raised a finger to anyone ever. Quite the opposite, he's very caring and sensitive in that way.  For example he adores his little sister and she can be awful to him sometimes pulling his hair and hitting him (which she gets disciplined for obviously) and he never retaliates by doing the same.

They are doing a project at school on recycling and according to him it's boring.  We do recycling at home and he loves it he helps to wash everything out and separate them into different boxes then helping at the recycling point so I don't understand why he finds it so boring at school.

Like I said before we have a appt with his head teacher tomorrow to discuss it further. I won't even know where to begin! but hopefully that will give us some answers as to where we go from here.


Thank you both and everyone else for your support and suggestions

Sorry for the length of this post

Hi,

My son is a 'problem child' too. He has been a problem since he started school. His new ed psych (along with cahms, sendis and speech and language, behaviour support, all have been involved since he was 4 and he has never been excluded!) are pretty certain we are heading for an asd diagnosis. At school he is disruptive, devoid of any attention span, wont work, has no patience, the list goes on, but at home he is not really like that. Autism cant be turned on and off BUT children do react to their circumstances in different ways, and my son just doesnt cope with school. He isnt perfect at home, not by a long shot, but at home he isnt worried or anxious so he is more settled and reacts less.
With his behaviour in general though, diagnosis or not, I have always been in great contact with school. I speak to his teacher every day after school, have regular meetings with his head, and we work off of the same page-keep same rules at school and at home, try techniques together etc. It does help. And in return the school never embarass me in front of the other parents! It works well. His ed psych says his teacher reacts to his behaviour in exactly the right way to lessen the impact, and he has good friends at school becuse they know he is different to them and they have learnt how to ignore his bad behaviour and encourage his good (and this from 6 yr old kids, its pretty amazing!)
If school think there is a problem,I am sure they will bring in the right people to offer advice. But my advice is keep a close relationship with school. If he is just being a pain and he knows you will speak to his teacher and head every day, it might be all he needs to realise he cant get away with being naughty at school!