My daughter and Husband don't get along
8 answers /
Last post: 11/02/2024 at 1:24 am
I just need to let it out, advices are welcomed, please.
I have a 12 year old daughter and have been married with her step dad for 4 years. But my daughter doesn't like my husband at all. I know the reasons because she has made them very clear. She doesn't like he is stubborn, has an answer for everything, that we argue (just normal married couple fights, about taking the trash out, me occasionally complaining about needing more help from them both around the house, stuff like that)
I have tried to make her understand that with him I feel loved, that we are both protected, that even though I work, he doesnt let me pay the bills so I can save money for her college, that even he is not super sweet to her he loves her and is taking the dad responsibility without trying to be her dad.
On the other hand, her dad lives in another state, and even though he loves her, it is a love without sacrifice. Never ever sends money, calls her when he is not to busy, takes her with him for a couple of days whenever she has school holidays. During those days he pampers her with all the affection he hasn't given her and she feels he is the cool dad, her step mom is the best friend and their house is a peaceful retreat where all she has to do is eat, watch movies, get ice cream and just enjoy. And I dont think that is necessarily a bad thing but it is certainly different form home.
On November me and my husband had a big fight, we said hurtful things that we did not mean to about our flaws and our private relationship. She was listening, not on purpose but she heard. She got angry because she thinks couples are not supposed to fight (her dad and his wife obviously dont fight when she is around, but that is only 4 weeks a year tops). She was upset that the next day we had forgiven each other and everything went back to normal
the cataclysm came on Christmas. She went to her dad's to spend the holidays. There she said she was being miserable, that she doesnt want to live with my husband, that he yells and I do nothing, that she is afraid he is going to get violent one day (that man has never ever done or said anything that would make me be afraid of him, he does have a bad temper but not violent)
Her dad "almighty" called me, angry and worried about her. Told me he had warned her to call 911 next time she felt "unsafe" and threatened us to go to the Child Protection Services if something abusive happened.
We got angry, scared and honestly did not know what to do because he is a vicious little man who made my life miserable the years we were married.
20 days later, she is back home. She and my husband apparently get along but I know is not real. He is scared she would tell another lie and that he would be involved in something legal. Our relationship is crumbling, I talked to her yesterday once more and she says she honestly can't stand him 'cause he is not her dad. (I think she still is grieving our divorce).
my husband asked for a time, he doesnt even want to spend time in the house anymore, he wants to get indoor cameras to have evidence of everything is said and how, he is talking about moving out for a while until things cool off and I just dont know what to do. I love him so much, he is so good to me. I am upset at my daughter and at the same time I love her deeply, I dont know how to help her or make her feel happy. I just want to have a happy family
Hi Anet,
I'm Loraine, one of the Netmums' Parent Supporters.
I'm sorry you're having such a tough time right now - sending gentle hugs your way this morning.
Blended families can be so tricky to navigate cant they? I think most parents of step children would agree and would also confirm that it is even more difficult as our children approach their teenage years and all the challenges that come with that, so please be reassured, that you're not the only family in this situation.
However, that doesn't make it any easier to manage right now. It sounds like your daughter is grieving the 'loss' of her father and the divorce and still has lots of resentment inside - have you thought about counselling for her as a child and/or for all of you as a family? Sometimes an impartial professional can achieve so much more than a family at loggerheads.
It sounds like you're in the USA so I don't have access to the resources available to you, but you could have a look on the RELATE website as they support individuals and families to improve relationships. You can find out more at: https://www.relate.org.uk/get-help
Family lives are another charity here in the UK that offer advice and support in relation to all sorts of issues including step parenting challenges. You can access the relevant pages of their website at: https://www.familylives.org.uk/advice/your-family/stepfamilies/when-you-become-a-stepfamily
Most counsellors/psychologists will tell you that it's perfectly normal for children to see their parents arguing, (providing there is no domestic abuse), but what is really important for their development is that they can see that you also make up and that conflict can be resolved.
I hope some of this proves helpful Anet.
Best Wishes.
Loraine x
I’m going to be really honest with you, It really sounds like your fear of losing this man is overriding your need to protect your daughter. You are very lucky your child has the language and interest to let you know how she feels. She doesn’t trust your relationship, she doesn’t trust your husband and why should she? after how you’ve described things? You need to allow her own and trust her intuition even if it makes you uncomfortable. That’s how she feels. It sounds like your relationship with your husband is dysfunctional at best. He also sounds immature. What point is he trying to make by moving out now? If he moves out, I promise you it’s about you and your relationship, not your daughter. please do not blame her for his actions. Remember all feelings are ok but all behaviour is not. he can feel hurt, but for him to behave in such a hostile way over this, it sounds like he’s making you choose, and I really hope you choose your daughter. Your daughter’s reaction should cause you to reflect on the relationship and not dismiss it as her being jealous or emotional. Your husband needs to work on his temper full stop. You need to be seen to hold him accountable for his outbursts, especially when they happen infront of your daughter. He should be apologising to everyone and so should you.
Validate this reality of his temper to your daughter WITHOUT the buts. “Yes you are right, my husband has a terrible temper he needs to work on it and I’m sorry you ever feel unsafe.”Full stop. You can separately teach your daughter that love is the unconditional acceptance of an imperfect person. No one is perfect, it’s not ok he’s how he is, but ultimately you are prepared to support his growth. You are going to work on making sure you two come up with healthier ways of communicating with each other, especially in front of others (her included but don’t make this about her, it’s about you guys!). Learn to be ok with your daughter not liking your husband. You can still set boundaries to ensure she’s cordial and respectful at the very least. She has her cool dad and she doesn’t want another. You’ll never be able to convince her that your husband is better than her dad, no matter how badly he treated you. Stay out of their relationship. Also you should be happy and relieved she likes the step mother, why wouldn’t you want that? How would you feel if you heard the step mother made her feel unsafe? Her dad was right in his reaction.
I totally understand how you might be feeling defeated here, but I really feel the first step is acceptance. I think you both need to PROVE it is a healthy relationship to eachother first and use that as a test of the strength of your marriage. Stop telling your husband everything your daughter says, she won’t trust you! Let time heal things. Let go of the issue. If your husband was more emotionally mature , he would see the importance of trying to build a better relationship with your daughter. The same man prepared to foot your bills, should direct that energy towards learning what to do, im sure the internet has allowed for unlimited courses and books on the issue.
The cameras in the house sounds extra but it honestly might not be a bad idea for you both to watch yourselves over in these moments! You may be surprised how scary it actually comes across to a child.
I had the same problem with my daughter and my new husband. They got along fine until after we were married, and I Am sorry to tell you it was never worked out and she wasn't ever happy, until after I divorced
You need to take the issue seriously, and do the right thing by your kid, as hard as it is.
I’m going to be really honest with you, It really sounds like your fear of losing this man is overriding your need to protect your daughter. You are very lucky your child has the language and interest to let you know how she feels. She doesn’t trust your relationship, she doesn’t trust your husband and why should she? after how you’ve described things? You need to allow her own and trust her intuition even if it makes you uncomfortable. That’s how she feels. It sounds like your relationship with your husband is dysfunctional at best. He also sounds immature. What point is he trying to make by moving out now? If he moves out, I promise you it’s about you and your relationship, not your daughter. please do not blame her for his actions. Remember all feelings are ok but all behaviour is not. he can feel hurt, but for him to behave in such a hostile way over this, it sounds like he’s making you choose, and I really hope you choose your daughter. Your daughter’s reaction should cause you to reflect on the relationship and not dismiss it as her being jealous or emotional. Your husband needs to work on his temper full stop. You need to be seen to hold him accountable for his outbursts, especially when they happen infront of your daughter. He should be apologising to everyone and so should you.
Validate this reality of his temper to your daughter WITHOUT the buts. “Yes you are right, my husband has a terrible temper he needs to work on it and I’m sorry you ever feel unsafe.”Full stop. You can separately teach your daughter that love is the unconditional acceptance of an imperfect person. No one is perfect, it’s not ok he’s how he is, but ultimately you are prepared to support his growth. You are going to work on making sure you two come up with healthier ways of communicating with each other, especially in front of others (her included but don’t make this about her, it’s about you guys!). Learn to be ok with your daughter not liking your husband. You can still set boundaries to ensure she’s cordial and respectful at the very least. She has her cool dad and she doesn’t want another. You’ll never be able to convince her that your husband is better than her dad, no matter how badly he treated you. Stay out of their relationship. Also you should be happy and relieved she likes the step mother, why wouldn’t you want that? How would you feel if you heard the step mother made her feel unsafe? Her dad was right in his reaction.
I totally understand how you might be feeling defeated here, but I really feel the first step is acceptance. I think you both need to PROVE it is a healthy relationship to eachother first and use that as a test of the strength of your marriage. Stop telling your husband everything your daughter says, she won’t trust you! Let time heal things. Let go of the issue. If your husband was more emotionally mature , he would see the importance of trying to build a better relationship with your daughter. The same man prepared to foot your bills, should direct that energy towards learning what to do, im sure the internet has allowed for unlimited courses and books on the issue.
The cameras in the house sounds extra but it honestly might not be a bad idea for you both to watch yourselves over in these moments! You may be surprised how scary it actually comes across to a child.
I couldn’t have said it any other way 🙌🏻
I’m going to be really honest with you, It really sounds like your fear of losing this man is overriding your need to protect your daughter. You are very lucky your child has the language and interest to let you know how she feels. She doesn’t trust your relationship, she doesn’t trust your husband and why should she? after how you’ve described things? You need to allow her own and trust her intuition even if it makes you uncomfortable. That’s how she feels. It sounds like your relationship with your husband is dysfunctional at best. He also sounds immature. What point is he trying to make by moving out now? If he moves out, I promise you it’s about you and your relationship, not your daughter. please do not blame her for his actions. Remember all feelings are ok but all behaviour is not. he can feel hurt, but for him to behave in such a hostile way over this, it sounds like he’s making you choose, and I really hope you choose your daughter. Your daughter’s reaction should cause you to reflect on the relationship and not dismiss it as her being jealous or emotional. Your husband needs to work on his temper full stop. You need to be seen to hold him accountable for his outbursts, especially when they happen infront of your daughter. He should be apologising to everyone and so should you.
Validate this reality of his temper to your daughter WITHOUT the buts. “Yes you are right, my husband has a terrible temper he needs to work on it and I’m sorry you ever feel unsafe.”Full stop. You can separately teach your daughter that love is the unconditional acceptance of an imperfect person. No one is perfect, it’s not ok he’s how he is, but ultimately you are prepared to support his growth. You are going to work on making sure you two come up with healthier ways of communicating with each other, especially in front of others (her included but don’t make this about her, it’s about you guys!). Learn to be ok with your daughter not liking your husband. You can still set boundaries to ensure she’s cordial and respectful at the very least. She has her cool dad and she doesn’t want another. You’ll never be able to convince her that your husband is better than her dad, no matter how badly he treated you. Stay out of their relationship. Also you should be happy and relieved she likes the step mother, why wouldn’t you want that? How would you feel if you heard the step mother made her feel unsafe? Her dad was right in his reaction.
I totally understand how you might be feeling defeated here, but I really feel the first step is acceptance. I think you both need to PROVE it is a healthy relationship to eachother first and use that as a test of the strength of your marriage. Stop telling your husband everything your daughter says, she won’t trust you! Let time heal things. Let go of the issue. If your husband was more emotionally mature , he would see the importance of trying to build a better relationship with your daughter. The same man prepared to foot your bills, should direct that energy towards learning what to do, im sure the internet has allowed for unlimited courses and books on the issue.
The cameras in the house sounds extra but it honestly might not be a bad idea for you both to watch yourselves over in these moments! You may be surprised how scary it actually comes across to a child.
This is the best response you will get.
The only thing I notice unusual here is that her father neglects to say he wants her to live with them. His worry seems to be rather limited!
I would point this out to your ex, saying that if he were truly worried he would be suggesting she move in with him, so your daughter can hate his wife instead of your husband. His love for his daughter is not all he suggests.
But much more importantly, your daughter is the one without power here. She has no choice where to live or who to live with. She sees his temper as problematic, you need to validate that, frankly your husband should do better. Do more to protect your daughter from witnessing your relationship arguments.
If it comes to choice between your husband and your daughter, choose your daughter. If she were 18 or even 16 I'd say differently, but she's too young to be forced to spend years with someone she doesn't trust or like.
Your daughter comes first you should be putting her first any man woukd be gone if my daughter wasn't happy or comfortable
