Working myself to the bone while he does nothing
12 answers /
Last post: 22/02/2024 at 9:15 am
Am i being too emotional/sensitive/asking too much??
Me and my husband have been married for 12 years, we have 4 children, between 9 years old and newborn
I do absolutely everything for everyone and for the house, i ask him to take out the rubbish everyday, thats the only thing i ask him to do for me, and he can never do it, He works (40 hours p/w in an office) so i know hes tired but so am i. I do everything, im working myself to the bone, i never have a break, the only time i actually sit down to relax is for half an hour at night before bedtime. When i remind him about the rubbish. He just shrugs it off and says he'll do it, but never does, then i have to do it and im obviously not happy (i barely have 5 mins spare throughout the day) he gets angry and says thing like why am i angry, its my job, its what i signed up for when i married him etc. I never signed up to be a maid for him, but i do it anyway. i dont think its too much to ask for him to do 1 chore for me.
I feel like he enjoys seeing me struggling sometimes, when i think i immediately tell myself not to be stupid but the thought always creeps back in. When i try to talk to him about how im feeling he just isnt interested, he just looks at his phone or he tells me he understands and he will do better but he never does.
I know its only rubbish being taken out but i guess it feels like its my tipping point, if that makes any sense.
Should i just suck it up and do the rubbish myself rather than causing arguments. Am i just being silly with being upset about this? I
Hi Lisa,
I'm Catherine, one of the Parent Supporters here at Netmums. I'm sure lots of our community will resonate with what you have shared with us. Life sounds really busy for you and you are focused on meeting everyone else's needs. It also sounds like you feel that you are not appreciated or supported by your husband. Is that fair to say? It can be exhausting caring for others and putting their needs first, especially if you don't get a break. Your feelings are valid Lisa and it's important that you feel valued, heard and respected. What would you like to see change Lisa? What would you tell a friend if they were feeling this way?
Hopefully some of our community will be along to offer support soon. We are here to listen if you would like to chat some more.
Catherine
You say you have a baby - will you be going back to work yourself or are you a SAHM?
The problem is (apart from your husbands attitude) is that he doesn't need to take the bins out because you always do it for him. If you say to him, please can you take the bins out? And then just leave it until he does.
He also probably doesn't appreciate how much you do! Is there any way you can leave him with the kids at the weekend? Especially over lunch or dinner time so he has to sort all that too (take the newborn with you if you would be more comfortable)! He might just get a little insight to your day x
Hi Lisa,
This sounds like a frustrating situation. You said you had a newborn - do you usually work? Your husbands views sound very outdated and he's taking for granted that you will just resign yourself to putting up with it. From experience when I was on maternity leave I did the lions share of the housework but frustratingly my now ex husband didn't want me to take too long doing anything if it meant he was alone looking after our daughter - this was with everything!! When I then went back to work he found it difficult if I didn't cook him dinner for when he got home etc. He used to begrudge having to spend time in the evening settling our daughter when she wouldn't go to sleep and ask me to swap after 10 mins. This is a small snapshot of some things related to your issue but he was a narcissist and a chauvinist. There are lots of men out there who work and then do some bits at home to help out and this is becoming more and more usual.
If you try and have the conversation with him and he still isn't listening have you tried giving him the choice, for example, the rubbish needs taking out/ the pots need doing/lunches need making and baby needs a bath - which one do you want to do tonight? Failing that it might be time for a more serious relationship chat where you say you've spoken about it before and nothing is changing - you need to see changes or you won't be able to continue.
Just as a side note - do the children do little 'jobs' tidying up after themselves e.g. bringing their own washing down, putting their own plates in the sink and toys away etc? Myself and my current partner have 6 children between us and its a necessity that everyone chips in and it also teaches them that their dad's views and actions aren't what they should be following - everyone lives there so everyone chips in!
I hope you find a resolution!
You say you have a baby - will you be going back to work yourself or are you a SAHM?
She has 4 children the edest is 9 and the youngest is newborn
I'm 54 now and feel ancient and I totally get where your coming from but if I had a pound for everything I'd listened to mothers stories, (my own included) I would be a billionaire.
I got so stressed by my ex husband saying, your at home all day, I told him to swap me places I'd go out to work and let him stay at home and do what I did!!!
Of course that never happened, ha ha.
I used to break my day down into what I would get paid if this wasn't my family and I was doing all the jobs paid...Jesus wept ..I would be a multi billionaire.
I think it's just the same old and every women, Mother, will tell you the same.
It's just bred into men to be arrogant.
I completely understand your frustration and your doing an amazing job on your own.
Try to give yourself credit for that, because you really are amazing...4 kids and a hubby...well done you.
I hope you sort it out x
So why did you go on to have another 3 kids by this Knob?
You need to just see to you & the kids, feed them & yourself before he comes home from work & only do yours & kids washing & ironing. Don’t forget no Sex either neither!
I'm sorry but why on earth would you have so many kids with this man? Surely you must have known after the first two that you wouldn't be getting any help from him?
Two kids are manageable, you'd be able to put your feet up while they're at school.
I'm not sure what advice you're after, he's clearly not willing to help out, so the only thing you could do is stop doing so much for him. Let him cook his own dinner and wash his own clothes. Don't pick up after him, let him see how much work you're getting though daily.
My mate did something drastic, she took herself off to spain for 2 weeks with no warning, and left her useless husband to see for himself how much work kids are. I'd recommend you consider doing the same at some point, before you lose your sanity. He'll have no choice but to manage.
He's not losing any sleep at night worrying how you're managing, is he?
Well then.
This is not the example.of a man ir partner I'd want for my children
.behaviour breeds behaviour they see u putting up with it and will either treat their partner the same or put up with it - I know cos I was the same as u 2 kids in a d miserable I knew he was never gonna change and over my dead body was my son gonna think that's OK or my daughter think that's all she's worth.
This "man" is chauvinist a belittling waste man who has no problem treating u like a 2nd class citizen. I thnk u have 3 options:
1: carry on as you are
2: have serious talk about how things have to change or there's little future left
3: say uve had enough and leave.
All options are neither easy to do or think about I know and please believe me wen I say ur worth so so much more, u and ur children are. Nothing is ur fault BTW we all think it will lol be different this time and for me I thought I had to stay for the kids but they deserve a.good example of a relationship and a happy mummy. Ur not alone xxx
The first problem I see is that you are saying you ask him to do it for you. He should want to help not be badgered. Try paying someone for all the jobs you do and you might just see your worth. He is too comfortable taking you for granted to change. I’d be gone if I had a man with an attitude like yours.
You say you have a baby - will you be going back to work yourself or are you a SAHM?
Why does that matter ? Has she to be someone’s space all her days . ?
where is her time off. ?
How the hell can she work when she has no help at all ?
Hienstiy nothing like more pressure for OP
