My son

Sometimes we have to safeguard ourselves and look to when we are not able to do what you are presently doing.

We do not help our children by not making them self sufficient and allowing them space to fail and learn to try again and do better.

You do him no favours by enabling him to be a lazy good for nothing. He needs to pull his weight and you need to ensure you stop being a soft touch.

Hi Sandra,

We've moved your thread into our drop-in clinic maternal mental health, so you can get the advice and support you need

Hi Sandra,

I'm Loraine, one of the Netmums' Parent Supporters.

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this situation at home - sending gentle hugs your way this morning.

Sadly, as difficult as it can be to leave our children (even adult children) to fend for themselves, I do agree with Linda, that if things continue in the way you've described, then nothing is ever going to change. What do you think would happen if you stop giving your son financial support Sandra? Is there anything in particular you're worried about?

You said 'I have no savings now...I feel alone.' - have you tried to have a proper conversation with your son to explain that the current situation cannot continue?

What about chatting to your GP about the impact this situation is having on your own health and wellbeing?

You've taken the first step by writing to us here and I think that's because you know that something does have to change, but only you can make that happen Sandra.

Hopefully, more of our netmums' community will drop by soon and share their advice and experience with you, but come back and let us know how things are and we'll try to support you in any way we can.

Loraine x

Thank you for your reply..my son left home 5 years ago..just after my dad passed away..he had gotten into another argument with his dad...this was a massive argument. Before that our son had been in prison twice....that is one of the reasons I'm afraid of not helping him...in case he gets desperate and ends up back inside...I know your probably thinking, it would be his doing..but I'm trying to avoid that.

In the meantime...I am praying, and I have fasted..to help the situation. Years have come and gone by....but no change in our son at all. I'm getting desperate now. As I mentioned previously...I now have no savings..as I'm constantly giving him

.I work full time...but I may aswel not bother...month in. Month out...the same cycle....

I worked in the prison service . Whilst in prison , he would have undertaken some

programmes of study to change his attitudes and behaviours .

Adults have to accept consequences to their actions .

Praying and fasting will not change him I’m afraid !

Tough love will

Hi, sorry to hear that you are struggling, it must be so hard because all we want as parents is to look after our children and see them happy.

What are his financial needs? How much money are you giving him and for what? Is he asking you for the money and what is his reaction if you don't give it?

It can be so hard to recognise but financial abuse is a thing, and sadly it can be difficult to see it especially when it is a child to a parent because you always want to see them right no matter what. But he is a grown man now who is capable of getting a job of his own and providing for himself. This is clearly having a negative impact on your life and it really ought to stop. The best thing you can do for yourself and son is stop enabling him to be a layabout and stop providing for him and he will be forced to sort his act out.

Praying and fasting will not help here I'm afraid. Hope you have the strength to be firm x

Just to start I have nothing against any particular religion at all so this isn’t specific to your religion but all…it’s nice to have a faith I do think it’s helps with community and comfort….but, why are you fasting and praying more, do you feel if you go hungry and suffer your god might help? I don’t think it works like that and it hasn’t helped previously ie prison so I really do think you need to be more practical of course while still honouring your beliefs as you been hungry and stressed isn’t helping.

i know you won’t want your son in prison and you will keep a roof over his head as would I if it was my child….but any extras, takeaway, evenings out, new clothes…when he can buy his own! He’s a grown man who must see what he is doing to you.

If securing employment is difficult due to a criminal record he could volunteer somewhere to show he’s keen, a reference ready for a paying job. I do hope he’s doing any house repairs or keeping the house clean at very least while your at work.

As for been lonely that’s not fair either. Could you go out with friends or join a club to meet new ppl, maybe your place of worship has groups?

I don’t mean to be harsh, I just think this is extremely unfair to you.

Spare money hide…it’s yours incase you need it, say unfortunately I don’t have anything left this month now as all my savings have gone! Please do not get into any debt to fund your son. If he’s been sanctioned he’s not gone to a meeting or interview and that’s his doing.

I do hope your son finds employment soon and things are happier for you. It sounds like you work hard and deserve to treat yourself sometimes and build some savings up. Take care x