10 year old daughter out of control! Single mum

Sorry this is happening why the police? Have u sat down and had a chat found out what's going on are you spending enough time bonding etc if she's fine at school there must be an issue at home that needs addressing could you contact a counselor so she can go sit down and have a confidential chat if can't tell you? There must be a reason why are you rewarding her when she does do good behaviour. Find out what's making her unhappy at home. Take her gp. Ask school to ask her to draw pics of what makes her unhappy or sad at home and hopefully you get to the bottom of it x

Things sound really hard and Ive been exactly where you are and it's really hard work, both physically and emotionally draining.

It's good you are on the list for assessments x but heartbreaking how long the lists are.

Have a look at PDA which is linked to autism, children with PDA need to be in control and can be violent and verbally abusive

https://www.pdasociety.org.uk/

If she ticks the boxes, please research parenting a child with PDA because traditional parenting techniques don't work

. Look into low demand parenting.

Start to keep a log of meltdowns, why did they happen? What happened? This will help when you get your assessments but also help you to pinpoint any triggers and look at how things could have been dealt with differently. Meltdowns in a ND child are communication that they are dysregulated it really helps to take time to see what started the meltdown.

Have a look at some books

The explosive child by ross green is a good one and Naomi Fisher is also brilliant.

I hope that helps you Abit. My daughter is 15 and ticks all the PDA boxes little signs we're there her whole life but only now I look back.. It really started getting bad at around the age of 10/11 hormones kicking in and school struggles on top...both primary and secondary schools dismissed my concerns when I thought she was autistic (I hadn't heard of PDA until 2 years ago) and I only wish I'd pushed harder. Also research the coke bottle effect..

Mask at school then explode at home.

Thank you for your reply Markus. If only it was that simple. Unfortunately she will not talk about her feeling at all, with me or anyone. When she has a moment of calm I’ve tried talking/ when walking or tried getting her to complete some fun activities. I get nowhere x

Thanks for this Claire. I have heard of PDA before. I shall also look into the books you’ve suggested. I’m pretty sure she has ADHD but there is so much more going on. The explosive meltdowns happen so quickly. Lots around clothing / leaving house or just something completely random - like her brother or sister not responding in a correct way for her. It is extremely intense and she’s not able to sleep until gone 11pm. So a vicious circle.

thank you! X

It sounds like PDA to me it's possible she could have ADHD as well make sure she's been referred to be assessed for everything.

It's important to spend time understanding that her behaviour isn't a choice if it's PDA it's the way her body (nervous system reacts to demands) causing extreme anxiety, need for control stems from this and a demand can be something as tiny as putting on shoes

Hi Maggie,

I completely feel for you, having been through the same. I imagine you feel utterly drained, exhausted but also broken.

I tried to message you privately, but for some reason was unable - please message me, so I can message directly.

Hi Markus,

As someone who works with neurodiverse conditions, I wanted to respond to your post.

There is no suggestion from the OP of any difficulties with parenting or boundaries. It is also a misconception that if the YP is managing in school, then the issue has to be with parenting/home. Often, the child would mask the stresses in school, then 'unleash' once home within her safe zone. Some children respond well to the structure and routine of a school timetable, and knowing where they have to be, when. Other cannot tolerate these changes.

@Maggie, from your description, it sounds as though there are areas that your daughter is very rigid/cannot accept or tolerate unexpected changes.

It sounds from your post that an ASD referral has been done. Depending on how impairing the difficulties are, your daughter may respond to this in a different waybź? GÌE

Hi Markus, I hope you don’t mind me commenting on your message? I just wanted to say that if the original poster’s daughter behaves well at school, but doesn’t behave at home, it’s likely that she spends her time at school masking her symptoms - this is a common response for some children. My 11 yr old grandson, who is on the asd spectrum, is brilliant at school, but as soon as he gets home the stress of having been masking all day causes him to lash out or to have meltdowns. It isn’t that he and likely the op’s daughter are unhappy at home, but rather it’s because they feel safe there to be themselves. It’s really difficult for all concerned.

@Maggie F(45) I can’t second this enough… please have a look into this, I have a PDA child with ADHD (having 1 ND increases likelihood of having another, so very common for people to have multiple diagnoses). Many of the PDA social media support resources I use have parents describing exactly the behaviour you have. Explosive Child is great, and I can also recommend Declarative Language Handbook by Linda K Murphy, both have made a big difference for my family.

Hi I’m sorry to hear you’re going through this with your daughter, if it helps my 9 year old is exactly like this. As she has got older her behaviour towards me or her brother is awful. She can get very aggressive and has hurt her brother several times. It’s actually nice to hear my daughter isn’t the only one out there like this as i am starting to get really concerned for her and us. I have never heard of PDA so will look into this. My daughter is on the ASD/ADHD list to be seen. We see a mental health nurse (she doesn’t speak to him just sits there) but he tries. She does listen though as when we come out she will after around 10 minutes say something to me about it. My daughter is good at school very quiet but her learning isn’t so good. They have had SEN assess her for and speech and language as she is very quiet so the teachers find it difficult to communicate with her. We originally thought she was just very shy (from the age of 2/3 even in nursery would chat with other children but puts her head down and whispers really quietly to adults) she has got slightly better but not much. Very loud at home and some days she is lovely. Speech and language have found she has problem processing things. Has your daughter had any involvement with SEN at school or is she doing well in school not just behaviour work etc? We can’t get my daughter to do any homework. Any advice from anyone is big help as like your daughter she won’t speak to anyone even me about how she feels she just says don’t want to walk about it. Very sad to see would be nice to hear if they can lead a “normalish” life as an adult or if she will always struggle.