Family fallout
7 answers /
Last post: 21/02/2024 at 9:35 am
Hoping for a bit of advice please.
I've been with my partner for 6 years and we both have children from previous relationships so things are not always easy for us. We've had a lot of disagreements and fallouts over the years as we both often have different opinions on parenting but we always work things out and everything is fine. Unfortunately over the years my mum has always been the one I rant to about everything as I always thought I could but about 8 months ago I was on the phone to her and all of a sudden out of nowhere she started saying the most awful things about our relationship, and that he is not welcome at her house anymore. We hadn't fallen out or had an argument or anything there was absolutely no reason for it. So she has basically given me 2 choices, I end the relationship and be unhappy or I live 2 separate lives. We haven't spoke since then and now it's affecting my whole life, I'm dreading Christmas as we always spend Christmas with my family but my kids are wanting to go round, I can't tell them no but I can't go and now I feel like I will have to spend Christmas without them. And just to make matters harder my brother and his family are coming home from abroad to spend Christmas here. Everyone thinks my mum is wonderful but there's only me and my dad who see a different side so life goes on for her nothing changes yet I feel like I've lost everything.
Hi Michelle,
What an awful position this is for you, I am so sorry to read that you are having to navigate this.
I can hear how upset and conflicted you are feeling, but you aren't the one that has caused this situation.
Your mum has specified that she does not want your partner there, so she is going to miss out on spending time with you and the grandchildren, which is such a shame but it isn't your choice.
Michelle, are the reasons that your mum has for feeling this way justified?
Has something happened that has made her feel uncomfortable having your partner in the house?
What are your dad's thoughts around it all?
Katie x
Hi Michelle,
What an awful position this is for you, I am so sorry to read that you are having to navigate this.
I can hear how upset and conflicted you are feeling, but you aren't the one that has caused this situation.
Your mum has specified that she does not want your partner there, so she is going to miss out on spending time with you and the grandchildren, which is such a shame but it isn't your choice.
Michelle, are the reasons that your mum has for feeling this way justified?
Has something happened that has made her feel uncomfortable having your partner in the house?
What are your dad's thoughts around it all?
Katie x
Thanks for your reply. No there was no reason apart from the fallouts over the years but nothing had happened when she made that call. My dad has been good he knows who's in the wrong but he wouldn't dare say that to her so he's also caught in the middle and I feel bad for him 😔
Thanks for your reply. No there was no reason apart from the fallouts over the years but nothing had happened when she made that call. My dad has been good he knows who's in the wrong but he wouldn't dare say that to her so he's also caught in the middle and I feel bad for him 😔
Honestly feel for you but your mum will just have to miss out. Meet dad for coffee and do things if he wants to but it's you and your partner. It's you pair against everything else and not each other. Some people just think they can dictate others lives. If you're happy and your relationship is solid I don't see why your mum or anyone else should penalise your partner. They don't have to like it but they have to respect it. She wants to see your kids, she can come visit. Explain to your kids that gran knows where they are and you're sure they'll visit soon. Start new traditions and have Xmas with you and yours. Invite your brother round for a visit even if it's not Xmas day.
My partner always went to his mums but we know have 6 kids between us. 2 together and 2 each to previous marriages. It's a military mission to go anywhere so this year is our First year at home ourselves. We also take up so much room as a family and have 2 under 2 so it's so stressful going other people's homes.
You've got this and she will hopefully see she's only spiting herself. I will not tolerate people picking and choosing nor will I tolerate people picking up and dropping off people as they like. It's narcissistic.
I wish you all the best but as you said - you know her true colours ❤️
Honestly feel for you but your mum will just have to miss out. Meet dad for coffee and do things if he wants to but it's you and your partner. It's you pair against everything else and not each other. Some people just think they can dictate others lives. If you're happy and your relationship is solid I don't see why your mum or anyone else should penalise your partner. They don't have to like it but they have to respect it. She wants to see your kids, she can come visit. Explain to your kids that gran knows where they are and you're sure they'll visit soon. Start new traditions and have Xmas with you and yours. Invite your brother round for a visit even if it's not Xmas day.
My partner always went to his mums but we know have 6 kids between us. 2 together and 2 each to previous marriages. It's a military mission to go anywhere so this year is our First year at home ourselves. We also take up so much room as a family and have 2 under 2 so it's so stressful going other people's homes.
You've got this and she will hopefully see she's only spiting herself. I will not tolerate people picking and choosing nor will I tolerate people picking up and dropping off people as they like. It's narcissistic.
I wish you all the best but as you said - you know her true colours ❤️
This 👆It’s great advice, Michelle
I really hope you manage to work things out.
you've said, your mum is always the one you’ve ranted to about your relationship….
Can I ask… have you ever gone round and said good things to her when it’s going well? Have you ever said stuff about all the nice things that are happening when they happen???
I’m wondering.. because… maybe your mum has had enough with listening to it and out of nowhere - she’s given you a choice - if you keep moaning about your partner, then why don’t you leave him…
(maybe she’s had to rant to one of her friends too who's said to her “if that were my daughter, I’d be suggesting xyz….)
I'm not wanting to be disrespectful…. I’m just thinking about your mum being the only person listening to it all on her own - it’s a lot for one person.
It's good to get things off your chest, but do you have other friends you could talk to instead of your mum?
I mean,
If he’s meant to be a part of your family, but he’s being ranted about behind his back a lot and now not being welcomed… that’s not helpful…
Sometimes, ranting is best kept away from the family…
I really hope you manage to work things out.
you've said, your mum is always the one you’ve ranted to about your relationship….
Can I ask… have you ever gone round and said good things to her when it’s going well? Have you ever said stuff about all the nice things that are happening when they happen???
I’m wondering.. because… maybe your mum has had enough with listening to it and out of nowhere - she’s given you a choice - if you keep moaning about your partner, then why don’t you leave him…
(maybe she’s had to rant to one of her friends too who's said to her “if that were my daughter, I’d be suggesting xyz….)
I'm not wanting to be disrespectful…. I’m just thinking about your mum being the only person listening to it all on her own - it’s a lot for one person.
It's good to get things off your chest, but do you have other friends you could talk to instead of your mum?
I mean,
If he’s meant to be a part of your family, but he’s being ranted about behind his back a lot and now not being welcomed… that’s not helpful…
Sometimes, ranting is best kept away from the family…
Your response is appreciated. Nothing had transpired when she made that call, so there was no rationale beyond the lingering effects of past conflicts. I feel horrible for my dad because he's been a decent guy and knows who's wrong, but he won't tell her. Now he's caught between them both. basketball stars
