Help
5 answers /
Last post: 14/01/2024 at 1:20 am
Five years ago me and my son (then 10) moved 200 miles away from friends and family due to financial reasons, It’s all I could really do, also partly to have a fresh start after domestic issues.
Since then, pandemic of course and my son’s OCD and anxiety has spiralled, he hasn’t been able to attend school for the past two years. This Christmas we went back home and he could barely tolerate staying with his dad due to their lack of cleanliness and also their lack of accommodation for my son so we came home early. He won’t use his phone or Xbox at the moment due to the OCD so is now completely isolated and not even talking to his mates. He’s now sitting in his bed all day and night but tells me he is fine.
However, I’m currently going through a health scare myself now, could be nothing but it could also be something quite serious. Having tests soon to clarify, my mums coming down to help out.
Last night my son actually said (after saying a few months back the opposite) that perhaps we do need to think about moving back. He said at least he would see his family more and wouldn’t be in his room day after day.
Now, we could possibly afford a very small property (I can’t get a mortgage as I don’t earn enough) and we also need a place where we can have a dog (and not all leasehold places are amenable to dogs) but it might be in a rougher area than we lived in before and my son has anxiety about burglaries etc. I’ve explained we will need to make compromises. Currently we have a much bigger house than we need, in a generally rundown area but the part we live in is really quiet, garden for the dog and freehold, but main con is we have hardly anyone here to support us at all.
Moving back, family aren’t massively supportive anyway (part of the reason I left) but would feel obliged to help more if we were closer, also we can’t be sure if the education system back home will be stricter or not. Son is having online tutoring thru school at the moment. My son did mention a little while ago that he wanted to stay here ‘for now’ as he does have mates here who he might want to go to college with. If we go back, he’s got some mates who he still talks with online, but I don’t want him to have to start again.
I can’t make another mistake again. We’re both struggling. Even if I am unwell, I won’t be able to sell up and go back quickly anyway, so perhaps it’s best to keep my eyes peeled for suitable properties and just bide my time. My son can’t even live with his dad for six months or so because of the lack of hygiene there.
Sorry this became a very long post (rant!) but I’d appreciate any ideas. It’s so hard to know what to do.
Hi Emma,
We've moved your thread into our drop-in clinic child mental health board, so you can get the advice and support you need
Hi Emma
I’m Lauren one of the parent supporters here on Netmums. You have had a lot going on, it sounds incredibly difficult and stressful.
Do you have support in place for your son? Is he getting help from CAMHS?
What about support for you?
It is a big decision about moving again with significant impacts. In the middle of a crisis it is easy to look at things like moving location as a solution, and I wonder if your son has held on to that as a solution as such. I wonder if it is not time right now to make such a big decision? I wonder is it something both you and him could explore in counselling/ therapy?
What do you think?
Hi Emma
I’m Lauren one of the parent supporters here on Netmums. You have had a lot going on, it sounds incredibly difficult and stressful.
Do you have support in place for your son? Is he getting help from CAMHS?
What about support for you?
It is a big decision about moving again with significant impacts. In the middle of a crisis it is easy to look at things like moving location as a solution, and I wonder if your son has held on to that as a solution as such. I wonder if it is not time right now to make such a big decision? I wonder is it something both you and him could explore in counselling/ therapy?
What do you think?
Hi Lauren thanks so much for your reply!
The GP has sent my son off to CAHMS again. This will be the third time and he’s never engaged so far, but this time he does seem keen to seek help so 🙏
My son has since said he does want to move back in the next few years but perhaps wants to wait and see how things go here first. If I found some friends and a support network here I think things would be so much better. I’ll save up and plan for moving in the next couple of years though incase we do decide to go. It’s such a worry if I’ve got something to worry about health wise and being so far from everyone but I guess we’ll work it out somehow. I think I’m such a control freak and always feel so much responsibility as a single parent for my sons life, and well-being, and I put so much pressure on myself to get it all right. I always feel like I can’t make any more mistakes and I’m trying to make decisions that are as risk averse as possible but that’s not life is it lol.
I’m going to see the well-being practitioner at the GP next week to have a long chat about my anxiety, I just cried in the GP today and said ‘help me’ because it’s eating my alive. Hopefully that might help. I’m so lonely though, and miss being close with friends/family/a partner.
My devine lady, just keep cuddling him and tell him he is loved, words don't even matter just cuddles and understanding . Trust from what you have wrote you are being a amazing mother. You don't even need to tell him you love him because he already knows this as he want his beautiful mother in his life. He already sees this in his soul. Honestly I wish I had a mother like you growing up. You are not doing anything wrong at all. Please trust me he wants to live with you rather than his deman father.
P. S once you realise this you're health will get better. This is why you are are ill. Please stop stressing 😔. Also it doesn't matter where he goes to school just aslong as he has you loving him 😊😊😊😊 I wish I had someone like you growing up my lovely ❤️❤️❤️😉
