Help! Is my husband cheating or sex talking?
3 answers /
Last post: 18/02/2024 at 12:10 pm
I feel totally crushed tonight and just wanted some advice about whether it’s valid or I’m jumping to conclusions.
Tonight he was driving and we were going to find somewhere to eat. He gave me his phone to Google somewhere nearby. As I started to type in ‘food places near me’ his recent web browser history came up and I could see a number of visits to a site called FabSwinger. Knowing it sounded dodgy I asked him straight away and he grabbed his phone and went quiet. Then he said it was just a bit of porn.
I then googled it on my own phone and could see it was more than that - it looks like a site purely for swinging, hook ups and sexual messaging. I instantly got upset and asked him to pull over so I could get out and just go home.
When walking home I googled more to see if my understanding was correct and that it wasn’t just a porn site. When I got home I spoke to him and asked him to show me his account if he has nothing to hide. He had deleted his account. Alarm bells ringing right there for me.
He said he purely uses it to look at pictures of girls sometimes as he likes real girls as opposed to fake porn stars. This also upsets me as his history search showed profiles of girls aged 25/26 and he’s 51, I’m mid forties. Not exactly great for your confidence!
But it doesn’t add up to me and i feel like my trust has been shattered. We’ve been together for 10 years and have had total trust in him. It doesn’t add up because 1. There are plenty of websites out there to look at girls pictures, why create and account for one that seems so focussed on messaging, chats and meet ups? 2. If he knew the website may have looked dodgy when all he’d done on there was look at pictures, why would he delete it? Surely he’d want to give me reassurance to say yeah, I know it doesn’t look great but take a look - I haven’t used it in the way you think?
What are peoples opinions? Can this site be used purely for porn/pictures or would you think there’s been more to hide here? Sex chatting with ‘real’ girls online would be a dealbreaker for me and now I have no way of knowing as his account was deleted straight away.
Any advice would be amazing as I’m super upset x
My opinion:
Yes, there are a lot of picture collectors on swinging and hook up sites. More than there are genuine members.
And most men at most exchange a few words with members without meeting up. A lot of the genuine members can spot a time waster quite easily.
It's also likely that if a man does get into a long chat with a member, the member they're chatting too is quite probably another man pretending to be a woman.
However, all this is largely immaterial.
What really matters is that your husband has done something that makes you feel devalued and has damaged your trust, and that he has felt the need to lie to you about it and try to cover his tracks rather than actually do anything about allaying your fears and repairing the damage.
Going by the experiences of people I know who regularly use fabswingers, I'd say the likelihood is that your husband has been chatting about something he feels embarrassed about admitting to you or that he knows you will find distasteful rather than actually meeting anyone, but it's still possible that he has been meeting up.
It would be a good idea to make an appointment with your local sexual health clinic and get tested just in case he has seen someone else.
Then you need to ask yourself how much of a dealbreaker his behaviour is.
My opinion:
Yes, there are a lot of picture collectors on swinging and hook up sites. More than there are genuine members.
And most men at most exchange a few words with members without meeting up. A lot of the genuine members can spot a time waster quite easily.
It's also likely that if a man does get into a long chat with a member, the member they're chatting too is quite probably another man pretending to be a woman.
However, all this is largely immaterial.
What really matters is that your husband has done something that makes you feel devalued and has damaged your trust, and that he has felt the need to lie to you about it and try to cover his tracks rather than actually do anything about allaying your fears and repairing the damage.
Going by the experiences of people I know who regularly use fabswingers, I'd say the likelihood is that your husband has been chatting about something he feels embarrassed about admitting to you or that he knows you will find distasteful rather than actually meeting anyone, but it's still possible that he has been meeting up.
It would be a good idea to make an appointment with your local sexual health clinic and get tested just in case he has seen someone else.
Then you need to ask yourself how much of a dealbreaker his behaviour is.
Thanks for replying 😊
The part about covering his tracks was exactly what I can’t get my head around and is completely off.
Ive told him that knowing what site it is, he really should have wanted to not delete the account to show me his innocence.
I actually don’t think he’d meet anyone… but I do think he’s more than likely been engaging in messages and therefore deleted to hide this. But the thought of him messaging sexual stuff to girls who are very real and local is crossing a boundary.
Thats the part I’m struggling with as I’ll never know for sure now. But my head is telling me it’s highly likely.
