New boyfriend looked angry when I asked him for help
11 answers /
Last post: 20/02/2024 at 8:04 am
Am I being unreasonable to expect my new boyfriend to want to help me with things. He always says he is happy to help but when I asked yesterday he looked angry. Then he changed the subject and suggested we do something else.
We've been together for three months and he is great in every way but a few times I've had to pull him up on me feeling like I do everything. His dad is elderly so lives with him so therefore he always has to come to my house. Which means I'm doing and paying for everything... Cooking, cleaning etc. I have already spoke to him about this so he did then offer to cook at mine which was lovely. Yesterday though I asked him to help me sweep up my leaves and he looked angry. I felt uncomfortable asking him so offered some other options of plans too so he said he looked that way because sweeping up leaves isn't his idea of fun.
Thing is I have an awful lot on my plate because nearly a year ago now my daughter suddenly got ill and became disabled. I'm a single parent with a house to look after that I struggle to afford. I had to take time off work to care for my daughter and to deal with the shock and upset of everything so I have lots to do and I get stressed about it. My daughter is recovering but things are very tough still so I'm trying my best to get back on track. This means I struggle to see him too. He also struggles to see me because he works away and also has children. I thought if he helped me it would at least mean we were spending time together and I could feel better about being so stressed. I've waited on him hand and foot all weekend and I've just been cleaning up everything after him staying over so why is me asking him to do something that would only take an hour or so something that he would avoid or be made angry by? He thinks I'm overeacting by being upset about this. And he's said he can't remember me actually staying I wanted him to help me. He's also said a few other things which just sounds like he's making excuses.
Sounds to me he is just looking to be mothered. He's happy to have everything you give but he doesn't want to reciprocate. You can't pour from an empty cup. You are a mum first and you need to be in a good place mentally to care for your daughter. The last thing you need is a man child. You may not see this now but this will really get to you in the coming weeks and months. And during that time he'd have bonded with your child more than now which won't make ending things any easier. I suggest you to end it now when it's still early. He really doesn't deserve you.
Hi Joanne
I'm Catherine, one of the Parent Supporters here at Netmums. Sorry to hear how tough things feel at the moment. It sounds like you have a lot of responsibilities and it was not an unreasonable request to ask for for you boyfriend to help you. You've mentioned that you 'waited on him hand and foot all weekend'. I wonder Joanne does he do the same for you? Do you feel like you can communicate openly with him and feel respected and hear? If a friend was in this situation, what would you say to them?
Hopefully some of our community will be along soon to offer support but if you would like to chat some more, please start a new post in our drop in clinic
Catherine
Sorry i'll be brutal. He's a red flag.
If you're happy having a man-child who expects to come over a few days a week for some fun, and then breeze off on his merry way with no commitment, then by all means carry on with this relationship, but only if you understand that this will never go anywhere serious.
I've been there a few times, and now i've learned to recognise the signs early on.
Sorry if that's not what you want to hear, but in your heart of hearts, i think you already know. He's not long term.
He's happy to treat your house as a hotel, and it never crosses his mind that he could actually help out once in a while. Trust your gut.
Get rid while it’s still new, the signs are there. He’s making any excuse not to help you, this is going to sound weird, but you’re so lucky he’s showing you his true colours now, rather than a year or two down the line where you’re in deep.
By all means, if you want to cook, clean, wash, and look after another child then keep him, if you don’t, then end this relationship now.
Let someone else baby him as he isn’t going to change.
hi, you've only been together 3 months. I personally think it a bit early to be asking for, or expecting help with something like sweeping leaves.
Buying and cooking you a meal and clearing up, yes, absolutely. You shouldn't have to do this for the two of you every time. He should take an equal share.
Sweeping leaves, taking out the bins, cleaning your car if it needs cleaning, other mundane tasks we all have to fit in during our spare time? Sorry. No.
Maybe see him less and make that time together fun and enjoyable.
Definitely insist on the 50 50 on the meal preparation and clearing up. You did say he agreed to this? You also said he was 'great in every way' so my advice would be to take a step back and give him a chance to prove this.
I hope it works out x
3 months? Seriously just say bye. He sounds like an idiot.
3 months? Seriously just say bye. He sounds like an idiot.
I agree!
sounds like he’s using your home as a hotel and he should be offering to do anything he can to help a mother to help her out!
I have this tshirt and found out he was banned from driving, no address as the home he owned was a mortgage to rent out early.
i also found out he was in many thousands of pounds in debt!
I packed his things and gave him the 🥾!
red flag, red flag, red flags all over!
Also worth considering... what is so bad about you spending time at his? So what if his Dad is there? Are you sure he's not making this up because he has a wife and kids at home? This and the fact he 'works away' would ring alarm bells for me. What's he like with his phone? Are you able to call him in the evenings/weekends or does he give you a reason to not call at certain times? Does he call during the day and message more in the evenings? Just something to think about.
Just by the way... this guy isn't it. He sounds like a lazy man child. You can do better.
Is your new boyfriend staying at yours at weekends only? (maybe only every other weekend if your daughter lives with you most of the time?)
Or has he practically moved in with you? In which case helping with the leaves might be a fair enough request.
If it's the former and he only stays occasionally, is this really so much work for you? He's said he'll cook for you, which should include buying the food too.
When you say you have 'waited on him hand and foot' what do you mean exactly? And why would you do this? Most couples would be clearing up meals together.
There is always going to be more effort involved for the person whose house it is. But who knows, maybe he is incurring costs (and time) in travelling to yours all the time? Maybe his own life is as busy as yours and he has his own troubles. Maybe he has to do the lion share of jobs at his own house if his dad is elderly. If so, it may explain his reaction?
Depends on his situation at home does he clean and maintain where he lives with his dad does he care for his dad maybe he has a lot on at home and then feels you want him to be doing chores at yours as well. Helping with meals and washing up is standard as he's having them but chores in someone else's house after only 3 months together u don't know. Maybe you need yo go round to his house a bit and suss out the situation
