12 things you can't do when you're pregnant
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Pregnancy: it may not be an illness, but it certainly makes life flippin’ difficult at times. And even the everyday tasks that you never used to think twice about become an uphill struggle when you’re tackling them with a bump.
For all that being pregnant is a miracle, a privilege and the most important job in the world, it can be pretty limiting – whether you’re in the ‘could vomit at any moment’ early stages or the ‘size of a house’ third trimester.
All of these supposedly simple jobs are feats of endurance when you’ve got a baby on board; thank goodness there’s an end in sight!
1 Shave your lady bits
You had this plan about going into labour with your legs smooth and your bikini line neatly trimmed – but you didn’t think about the logistics of how you’d achieve that with something the size of a space hopper between you and your nethers.
FREE NEWBORN NAPPIES
After several hair-raising attempts at pruning your lady garden involving mirrors, contortions and a fair few shaving cuts, you finally admit defeat and ask your partner to do the honours.
Who said romance was dead?
2 Put your socks and shoes on
By the time you hit the third trimester, it’s hard enough to even *see* your feet, let alone bend over far enough to reach them.
Putting on socks solo feels like mission impossible, and your heart sinks on rainy days because you know you’re going to have to wear proper shoes, not flip flops.
3 Use public transport
Getting the bus or tube is never particularly enjoyable, but when you’re pregnant and feeling as sick as a dog, it’s nothing short of torture.
The combination of morning (or all-day) sickness, other people’s perfume (or BO, more likely) and the smell of their takeaway coffees makes you want to heave, and you’ve come far too close to puking into your handbag on way too many occasions.
4 Wait in the toilet queue
When a pregnant woman needs to go, she needs to go NOW! Any delay, no matter how small, can put you in grave danger of serious mortification.
You’ve taken to dashing into the disabled loos to avoid having to wait for an empty cubicle and risk peeing your pants. This baby is a champion bouncer - if only they weren't using your bladder as a trampoline you'd feel smug as anything about your little gymnast.
5 Roll over in bed
You have a lot of sympathy for the beached whales that have recently been washed up on the English coastline, as you’re feeling much the same.
Every time you want to turn over in bed, you have to psyche yourself up for it thanks to your enormo-bump – and get a helpful shove in the back from your partner to help you complete the task.
Doesn’t the NHS hire out hoists for this sort of thing?
6 Watch TV
As unlikely as it sounds, even watching telly can be a challenge when you’re pregnant. Every episode of One Born Every Minute triggers a full-on emotional breakdown (not that you ever learn) – and don’t even *think* about watching anything involving cute or fluffy animals (especially baby elephants).
7 Get out of the bath
When every bone in your body aches and you’re desperate for some time to unwind, you can’t beat the sheer pleasure of sinking into a deep, warm bath.
Except that ...getting in is one thing, but getting out is another. One of these days, you swear you’re going to have to call the fire brigade ...
8 Sleep through the night
It’s the ultimate irony that at a time in your life when you’re more tired than you’ve ever been before, getting a good night’s sleep is abso-bloody-lutely impossible.
If it’s not heartburn, restless legs or Braxton Hicks keeping you awake, it’s your bladder, which demands emptying every 90 minutes on the dot. And you can’t even put yourself into a self-inflicted wine coma: waaaah!
9 Climb the stairs
It may only be 13 steps high, but when you’re carrying 7lb or more of baby (plus placenta, plus amniotic fluid, plus all that extra chocolate biscuit weight), scaling the staircase feels more like negotiating Everest.
You have to cling onto the bannisters and steel yourself mentally for every step you take, hauling yourself up to a soundtrack of grunts and groans worthy of the Wimbledon final.
If it weren’t for the fact that your due date was fast approaching, you’d be seriously considering phoning Stannah.
10 Stay up past 9pm
No one knows the meaning of exhaustion like a pregnant woman, and whether you’re six weeks or 36 weeks, making it through the day without a nap is no mean feat.
You haven’t seen the end of an episode of Eastenders for weeks, as you’re always flaked out on the sofa within the first 10 minutes, and as for going out for the evening, forget it – you’d have to change out of your PJs and slippers, after all.
11 Walk
It’s all very well your midwife telling you that lots of walking could help to bring on labour, but has she any idea how blinkin’ difficult it is? Your pelvis feels like it’s splitting in two, your baby has pushed your diaphragm up so high you can barely breathe, and it feels like there’s a bowling ball hanging out of your privates – hardly the ingredients for a relaxing stroll.
If someone offered you a wheelchair about now, you’d bite their hand off. If you had the energy.
12 Drive your car
Walking may be agony, but at least you can still drive your car, right?
Err – maybe not. Once your bump reaches a certain size, fitting behind the steering wheel becomes an impossible challenge, so you move your seat back, only to realise that now you can’t reach the pedals.
Fine, then; you’ll just stay at home until your baby deigns to make their entrance. There’s always daytime TV (even if watching Deal or No Deal does reduce you to a tearful mess. Every. Single. Day).
