Odd one out
10 answers /
Last post: 14/02/2024 at 10:06 pm
Help? Are there any people out there who feel like me? Please bare with me and I appreciate anyone who reads all of my whinging.
I have a very up and down relationship with my mum, she was very cold with me as a child and the way she spoke to me I often look back and think that wasn’t ok.
I now have my own child 1 yr old who I dote on, waited years and years to become a mother. And I have a nephew who I adore and the feelings are mutual. My mum and sister on the other hand leave quite a sour taste in my mouth to speak of them. It’s so complicated I don’t know where to start.
My mums always favoured my sister, I was a bit rebellious not badly behaved though and very independent as a young child. I was always wrong REGARDLESS. I remember my sister once pushing me off the top of a slide and I got blamed for it and told It was probably my fault and I deserved it. That seemed to be a running sentence all my life you probably deserved it. I got bullied in high school and her response was exactly that you probably opened your mouth so you deserved it. I was so quiet in middle school and high school. Never fought with anyone never dared to argue back.
Before me and my sister finally moved out my mum would often sit downstairs ***** with my sister; mocking me, talking about me in some really hurtful ways. My mum occasionally calls my sister spoiled to me and I usually sit scratching my head and tell her ‘well what do you expect? thats your fault she’s like that, you created that you have to deal with it instead of moaning to me’. Possibly why I’m as snappy, avoid social occasions and can be very unaffectionate towards my partner. I found relationships really difficult because of my lack of affection and self confidence. Family meet ups, weekends with my family? Forget about it. Never invited! My birthdays everyone is included, my mums or sisters not even a thanks for the present and card.
The last few years this favouritism seems to have gotten worse starting at my mum paying for my sister’s wedding then categorically telling me she wont do the same for me because my BIL only has his dad and I have my IL’s to pay for things so I shouldn’t ask her for anything. Not only hurtful but insulting. My nephew isn’t spending much time with his cousin now because the spoiled behaviour seeps into his, he now thinks whatever is at my parent’s house is his including my parents and he doesn’t have share. They are taking him to Disney soon, all paid for at their expense; my dad has promised me I’ll get the same. Yeah my mother’s told me otherwise; If I want to go in a few years time I have to pay for myself as she can’t afford to do it twice. My nephew now thinks Disneyland is only for him and that my son is not allowed to go.
The enablement and behaviour of not just my mum but my sister is seeping into every aspect of my life. The whole hurtfulness and being incredibly unfair on me has just broken me one step too much. My poor dad doesn't get to say anything or disagree as my mum grills him and it causes such awful arguments so I don’t put my dad under pressure as I love him too much.
I’m miserable. I’m resentful. I feel hateful. Iv told my mum she has no entitlement to see my son if she feels it’s ok to always exclude me. Me and my son are a team, not competitors.
Does anyone else feel this way? 😭
Hi Kirsty,
We've moved your thread into our drop-in clinic unhealthy relationships, so you can get the advice and support you need
Hi Kirsty,
We've moved your thread into our drop-in clinic unhealthy relationships, so you can get the advice and support you need
Thank you x
Hi Kirsty,
I'm Loraine, one of the Netmums' Parent Supporters.
I'm sorry you have such a difficult relationship with your mum and sister - sending gentle hugs your way this morning.
Kirsty, can I ask what you or your son actually gain from continuing with these relationships? There should be support and love and understanding on all sides and that is the value of any worthwhile relationship, but from what you've described here, you're not experiencing any of that - have I picked that up correctly?
You're also clearly affected by how you feel your mum treated you growing up and I'm wondering if you've ever sought or received any counselling to help you deal with these feelings? You said you feel 'miserable, resentful, hateful' - these are really negative emotions Kirsty and can be really detrimental to your own mental health and well being. Have you thought about having a chat with your GP so that they can make a proper assessment and perhaps discuss counselling/therapy options?
Unfortunately, you can't control how other people behave, only how you respond to it and your health and that of your son has to be paramount in any decision you make.
Another option could be family counselling and this is offered by RELATE. They help families to manage conflict and communicate better and they have lots of good information on their website which you might find helpful to read through. You can access the details at: https://www.relate.org.uk/family-counselling-and-therapy
Hopefully, some of our lovely netmums' community will drop by soon to share their experience with you, but in the meantime, keep chatting with us and we'll try to support you in any way we can.
Loraine x
Hi Kirsty,
I'm Loraine, one of the Netmums' Parent Supporters.
I'm sorry you have such a difficult relationship with your mum and sister - sending gentle hugs your way this morning.
Kirsty, can I ask what you or your son actually gain from continuing with these relationships? There should be support and love and understanding on all sides and that is the value of any worthwhile relationship, but from what you've described here, you're not experiencing any of that - have I picked that up correctly?
You're also clearly affected by how you feel your mum treated you growing up and I'm wondering if you've ever sought or received any counselling to help you deal with these feelings? You said you feel 'miserable, resentful, hateful' - these are really negative emotions Kirsty and can be really detrimental to your own mental health and well being. Have you thought about having a chat with your GP so that they can make a proper assessment and perhaps discuss counselling/therapy options?
Unfortunately, you can't control how other people behave, only how you respond to it and your health and that of your son has to be paramount in any decision you make.
Another option could be family counselling and this is offered by RELATE. They help families to manage conflict and communicate better and they have lots of good information on their website which you might find helpful to read through. You can access the details at: https://www.relate.org.uk/family-counselling-and-therapy
Hopefully, some of our lovely netmums' community will drop by soon to share their experience with you, but in the meantime, keep chatting with us and we'll try to support you in any way we can.
Loraine x
Hi Lorraine,
yea i had counselling not too long ago, it was really helpful in all honesty. My sessions all came too end, I’ve felt a lot better about myself.
Generally speaking I don’t have many nice feelings for her anymore as they continuously got ruined by her. Iv offered olive branches and apologised for things I probably shouldn’t have done. Im just thankful my dad supports me and my mums family all support me. A lot of them have all observed that she never seemed to understand me I you get what I mean?
She seemed to really struggle to connect with me like she did my sister. Iv always been a small friendship group kind of person who prefers playing video games to going out having brunch or afternoon teas. Im quite girly but I’m also quite tomboyish in some ways so I often wonder if my style and independence made her unhappy. I got a lot of tattoos at 18 which she highly disapproved of but its one thing she accepted she couldn’t stop me doing.
I don’t know either way and probably never will. But she has been told her Grandson deserves to see his mother happy, not miserable and hurt because his grandmother has zero listening and speaking skills! Its sad but she’s making it difficult for me to want her around him :/
You're not whinging at all, it sounds completely toxic and I'd probably do my best to have nothing to do with her, would that be easy to do given you seem to have good relationship with your dad? How is she with your own child? I struggle to see how any parent can treat their own child like this honestly. No real answers I'm sorry just wanted to say I empathise and you may be better cutting ties X
One of the best ways to deal with this is to show them you're thriving without them.
I'm not saying don't deal with them at all but keep it casual and just get on with your life. Focus on the positives in your life.
Stop with birthday and Christmas presents your time effort and money doesn't seem to be appreciated so you might as well spend that time and money on your family.
Just say I'm stopping birthday and Christmas presents cost of living is hard now and there's other things I need to spend it on I'm saving for a wedding/holiday to disney
You could always meet your dad independently once in a while for a meal or a walk in the park.
If your mum shows an interest in seeing you bat her off for a while with the I'm really at busy at the minute.
Try to be as independent as possible with the you'll need me before I need you attitude.
Then you can graciously decline to help and let your sister step up to repay them back for all the help she's had.
One of the best ways to deal with this is to show them you're thriving without them.
I'm not saying don't deal with them at all but keep it casual and just get on with your life. Focus on the positives in your life.
Stop with birthday and Christmas presents your time effort and money doesn't seem to be appreciated so you might as well spend that time and money on your family.
Just say I'm stopping birthday and Christmas presents cost of living is hard now and there's other things I need to spend it on I'm saving for a wedding/holiday to disney
You could always meet your dad independently once in a while for a meal or a walk in the park.
If your mum shows an interest in seeing you bat her off for a while with the I'm really at busy at the minute.
Try to be as independent as possible with the you'll need me before I need you attitude.
Then you can graciously decline to help and let your sister step up to repay them back for all the help she's had.
hi!
its very sore at the moment. Iv tried to meet everyone in the middle and tried to make every aspect of seeing family with my son fair. Dont get me wrong my IL’s are very overbearing but I see as they care and we aren’t with them every day, and I stopped seeing them every weekend as it was too intense and it meant I could spend some time with my family which seems almost impossible to do :/.
I probably don't deal with some situations well, BUT would anyone who’s been upset? Most people’s feelings often speak before their rational thoughts do. Its so so frustrating as I do feel like mine and my boyfriends noses are forever pushed out and like were not involved or apart of the family?? I dunnoo.. iv kinda given up a little bit and stopped making an effort :/ its difficult and some stuff I don't want to do but I know I have to in order for me to be happy. My son deserves to see his mother happy and not to see her weeping and hurt. My dad’s a wonderful person. He does so much for everyone and asks for very little in return. Such a kind heart and soul, I love that man. I love that he respects me, he speaks to me like Im an adult human. He respects me and I love him for that and he gets the same mutual respect back! My dad I will continue to see. My mums a sore subject.
You're not whinging at all, it sounds completely toxic and I'd probably do my best to have nothing to do with her, would that be easy to do given you seem to have good relationship with your dad? How is she with your own child? I struggle to see how any parent can treat their own child like this honestly. No real answers I'm sorry just wanted to say I empathise and you may be better cutting ties X
Says a lot when I say I'm whinging :/ i think thats because iv always been made to feel like thats all I’m doing :/ x
hi!
its very sore at the moment. Iv tried to meet everyone in the middle and tried to make every aspect of seeing family with my son fair. Dont get me wrong my IL’s are very overbearing but I see as they care and we aren’t with them every day, and I stopped seeing them every weekend as it was too intense and it meant I could spend some time with my family which seems almost impossible to do :/.
I probably don't deal with some situations well, BUT would anyone who’s been upset? Most people’s feelings often speak before their rational thoughts do. Its so so frustrating as I do feel like mine and my boyfriends noses are forever pushed out and like were not involved or apart of the family?? I dunnoo.. iv kinda given up a little bit and stopped making an effort :/ its difficult and some stuff I don't want to do but I know I have to in order for me to be happy. My son deserves to see his mother happy and not to see her weeping and hurt. My dad’s a wonderful person. He does so much for everyone and asks for very little in return. Such a kind heart and soul, I love that man. I love that he respects me, he speaks to me like Im an adult human. He respects me and I love him for that and he gets the same mutual respect back! My dad I will continue to see. My mums a sore subject.
You're going to drive yourself crazy though analysing everything.
Sometimes you have to let things go and accept that even though you're family you just don't get along with each other.
Focus on having a great relationship with your dad it must be hard for him being in the middle.
Let go of the drama and enjoy life cos its too short. x
